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Support » Low libido » December 6, 2021 10:30 am

I'm on antidepressants which apparently suppress libido -- after 22 years of being rejected, whatever it takes to re-awaken my libido, I just don't know ...

Straight1234, you'd posted something I just need to ask about -- you said that there's a side effect to the meds that includes heartburn.  Can I ask, which prescription would that be?


Support » Do you feel like a victim? » December 1, 2021 12:52 pm

Replies: 28

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I came back to this thread recently and re-read it to see whether my thinking on this topic has evolved with time.  I've always bristled at the oversimplistic framing of "victimhood" versus "heroic survivor".  Neither extreme really fits.

I continue to be affected by the things my husband did to me, and the lack of support (outside of this forum and of course Chump Lady).  I feel like the language is too laden with insinuations; if I say I've been victimized people get resentful, like I'm an attention whore or something.  But reading Dr. Minwallahs' paper made it clear: this is actual trauma, not just like your high school boyfriend got caught making out with the head cheerleader behind the bleachers that one time.

I had physical things happen that can clearly be traced to what he was doing to me.

When I get that speech about how wonderfully resiliant I am ... it just pisses me off.  It's what people say when they want to make themselves feel better.  If I'd had an arm amputated, I might listen to an inspiring lecture from a fellow amputee, but I doubt I'd be receptive to a scolding coming from someone with two functioning arms.

I plan to live a fulfilling and rewarding life, if for no other reason than to spite my abuser.  But, I'm not going to sit around pretending I was never victimized, or that the damage he did isn't still live and real for me.

Edited to add: I didn't mean this to sound like a reaction to the immediately preceding post -- hope it didn't read that way.  I'm only describing my own experience.  I'm not going to pretend it doesn't continue to damage me, I still have flashbacks and nightmares.

General Discussion » Probably sounds familiar » December 1, 2021 10:54 am

Replies: 204

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No advice, Jamie, but I'm so sorry you're faced with such difficult choices.  

In the earlier process of divorce, we'd more or less concluded the the house was too large a share of our marital assets for one of us to be able to afford alone -- we're both in our 60's -- and our original plan was to put it on the market and split the proceeds.  After a few months, my husband came to me with the Sad Sausage story: he didn't feel he "had a lot going on for him" and it would mean a lot to him if we could find a way for him to keep the house.  So in theory, I was willing to let him make whatever sacrifices it took to keep the house; I had no need for four bedrooms.  I downsized to a more manageable one-bedroom apartment.

Of course, he and his lawyer later tried to use the expense of his house to argue that my support needed to be as low as possible!  As if I'd forced this big expensive house on him or something.  

In retrospect, it was always unrealistic for one of us to keep the house.  So Jamie, remember the long game here.  

Support » I want to tell my older daughters.. » November 29, 2021 2:43 pm

Replies: 10

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Agree with the above.  If you tell them yourself, you get to choose the time and place, and present the information in a way that softens the shock.  If you and your ex both leave it up to chance, you're running a risk that they could stumble across it accidentally in the worst way and at the worst time.  You'd be left trying to explain why you kept the secret, why you weren't honest.  

I told my daughter because I didn't know whether or not she'd found out on her own, and I didn't want her to feel she had to lie to me about it.  It turns out she didn't know -- but she had seen things that she didn't understand and that she'd kept quiet about.  It's a very unhealthy dynamic in a family.  It was better when we could address it directly.

Support » He is bi and polyamorous » November 29, 2021 10:08 am

"Poly" is not an orientation, and his use of that term is manipulative.  

It suggests that his desire to step out is a biological imperative.  He's just trying to have it both ways: marriage to you and a little side action.  What he's saying is that he doesn't want to lose you, he wants to keep you but cheat on you.

Our Stories » My story » November 28, 2021 4:38 pm

I've tried so hard to write this out.  I'm here.  You know how this story ends, but here's how I got here.

I first met K working at a law firm -- I was a paralegal, he was a midlevel associate.  I was the edgy, artsy one; he was the strait-laced Catholic Ivy Leaguer.  We dated for something like six years before moving in together, married two years after that, and had our daughter a little over one year later.  During this time, I'd completed law school myself, and started what I hoped would have been a career.

It's hard to describe this to "normal" people.  He could be stuffy but also had a libertarian streak.  He had a killer sense of humor, but could wield it as a weapon too, and use it to keep people at a distance.  He'd flaunt his heterosexuality in front of me and his friends ... but he actually hated sex.  I don't know what a "normal" rate would be, but we had sex no more than once every few weeks.  I assumed he had a weak libido.  The topic was not discussed and clearly was making him uncomfortable.

He stopped having sex with me entirely after our daughter was born.  We also started having problems in other areas.  He was adamant about not sacrificing his "fun" life once parenthood set in, and while that sounded reasonable, in practice what he wanted was to be out carousing till all hours, just like in his single days.  I'd give up after a few drinks and go home, he'd roll in at maybe 5 a.m., and later maintain that he wasn't drinking, that he just enjoyed nightlife.  This wasn't limited to weekends -- he routinely did this during the week as well.

He was distant and exhausted at home.  I now understand that he was probably equally dazed at work.  There could also be sudden explosions of anger, particularly when I needed help with the baby and he wanted to go out.  There was a pattern, which I only recognized much later: He'd have some reason he had to go out, I needed his help, and he'd lose it and launch an absolute shotgun blast of

Support » Thanksgiving » November 25, 2021 4:13 pm

Happy Thanksgiving, all.  Quiet here; my daughter is with my XH but texting me nonstop for turkey roasting instructions.  I'm doing Friendsgiving with some neighbors!  Then I'll have my daughter for Christmas, which will be a treat.

General Discussion » Thanksgiving » November 24, 2021 11:03 am

Happy Thanksgiving, and thanks for starting this thread!  What happens to me during the holidays is that my emotional state can go either way -- because holidays are linked in my mind to certain milestones.  These are mine:

D-day for me was between Thanksgiving and Christmas, 2017.  I had many shocking discoveries ahead of me at the time, but I was cleaning up in anticipation of my daughter coming home for Christmas when I found the first proof: my husband's viagra, fallen out of his pocket while he was getting ready to go out with "friends".  There was a lot worse to come, but I knew this viagra wasn't for my benefit -- my husband had cut me off for over two decades by then.

By the time the next Thanksgiving had come around in 2018, I'd learned how to see his texts, which had led me to file for divorce ... although I hadn't moved out of the house yet.  I'd learned, for example, that he had an "open relationship" with a guy, Mark, who was twenty years younger (my husband was then in his 60's).  This guy had a not-particularly-open relationship with a live-in boyfriend, Cesar, who was ... get this ... over twenty years younger than him!  This poor kid wasn't even old enough to drink -- in fact, I'd met him and can attest he wasn't even old enough to shave. 

I'd intercepted enough texts to see that STBX and his fuckbuddy had agreed, between them, that their primary relationships took precedence ... they were apparently very proud of this: that they'd drawn boundaries to prove that there was some chivalry in what they were doing.  It reminded me of the movie "Pretty Woman" where two prostitutes agreed never to kiss their clients on the mouth.  THAT would be dirty and shameful!  It reminded me of an alcoholic boss I had who disciplined himself never to drink before 6 p.m.  THAT would be alcoholism!  And another boss who wouldn't do cocaine before 4:00 pm every afternoon.  THAT would be addiction!  Random boundaries people set, to prove only to themselv

Support » My husband turned my life upside down » November 23, 2021 12:35 pm

Replies: 19

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I think there's a dynamic that seems to raise a red flag for me: when the decisionmaking is ALL on one side of the relationship, and the other person is only offered the option to take it or leave it, that's a real imbalance in the power within that relationship.  It's not healthy.

So you married a heterosexual man, and now you're being told your spouse needs you to "become" lesbian while "she" becomes female.  If it's unfair for gay men to be pressured into "becoming" straight men, why would it ever be less cruel to demand that straight women "become" lesbians?  

That's kind of the question that ended up sending a lot of women here, to this group.

Support » My husband turned my life upside down » November 22, 2021 11:42 am

Replies: 19

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Marianne, I'm so sorry you find yourself here ... but welcome.  

I want to echo what MUM017 says above: keeping a secret this devastating is deeply isolating.  Isolation breeds loneliness, but also depression, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of helplessness.  

When I first came here, people suggested divorce to me, and I totally shut down.  I did come around to understand the marriage was already over -- divorce was just what made it official.  What you need right now is a little breathing room, and time to absorb what's been dropped on you.  Your husband had plenty of time to rehearse and prepare himself, emotionally -- I think it's fair of you to point that out to him: you need a lot more time to adjust to this new reality and you need to decide whether this is a marriage you're prepared to re-commit to.

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