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General Discussion » in denial » April 20, 2019 3:43 am

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 45

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Whether he is in denial or not, you clearly are no longer in denial.  There is one of two things that can happen initially.  Either you pack you a d you kids up and go,or you decide I'm going to allow this into my marriage.  If you choose the later, the real work begins and questions have to be asked by you and answered by him before you can make any plans for your future relationship.  This conversation has to start by HIM ".honey, I believe I'm gay."  Anything short of that then this man really doesn't want a solid marriage and maybe its time to plan an exit stratedgy.

MOMs can work. Many times you'll find your MOM is much more solid than your friends marriages.  It just takes a lot of communication so that each partners needs.  Wishing you the very best ay getting to the bottom of everything.

Lisa Emelsee
Married 8/2011, disclosure 7/2018

Support » Wasting time trying to get husband to see the pain he has caused » April 20, 2019 3:03 am

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 11

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So true with this.  I dont think they dont know what they have caused, I think they refuse to deal with what they have done to others.  In all the freedom of disclosure and Pat's on the back for bring so brave, they just compartmentalize the trauma the inflicted and stick it in a locked box somewhere in their brain then lose the key.   So,if intimacy suffers it's just blown off, not up for discussion.   That's how it seems to be going over here anyway.

Lisa, married 8/19/2011  disclosure 7/21/2028.

Support » Telling a new straight spouse » September 12, 2018 12:32 am

Hi Sadie
I agree with Phoenix as well. The new woman is about to bring her two children into years of pain and frustration. The very thing she believes in is a facade, a fantasy. The sooner she can put the pieces together the better. She will not believe you. Your Ex will convince her you are crazy, but it wont matter, the seed will be planted. I dont know how old your kids are but if they are teens, dont worry too much, they will already have an idea that this marriage is not going to work.  If they are younger, do everything you can to keep them home. They dont need more abandonment.

Gosh, what a mess we all have been dragged into. The selfishness of our spouses is so unfair. I survived cancer twice, why I feel like I cant make it through this.  I'd take a broken body over a broken heart any day.

Support » I Don't Want to be A Straight Spouse » August 8, 2018 5:05 pm

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 13

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walkbymyself wrote:

I used to be bisexual -- now I'm asexual, which is what happens after two decades of being rejected sexually.

That's why I have so much contempt for those who use "bisexual" to excuse what they're doing.  I had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with women when I was young and single, and I also had a few monogamous, long-term relationships with men.  And, once I married, I kept my promise of fidelity.  I call BS on anyone who claims "I get a free pass to cheat because I'm bisexual" in much the same way I call BS on anyone who claims "I'm bi so that means I didn't actually deceive you when I married you -- I really am attracted to women, I'm just infinitely more attracted to men and I have a deeply selective form of ED that makes it impossible for me to perform with women but still leaves me able to perform with men."

That is NOT what bisexual means.  It doesn't mean "swinger"  or "likely candidate for a three-way."

I am married 7 years and only a month post disclosure and we are taking it real slow as well. I have handled this rather well and I'm not sure if it's just because of my past 3 years of fighting for my life physically and given me some sort of "take it as it comes" attitude. I realize that there is no way I can fight my DBH into being straight so I'm willing to work with it. However, the one thing that sits in the pit of my stomach is that it is clear to me and to him that he is more sexually excited by men. He will never look at me with that passion I finally got to see, that he has for men. It saddened me so much. I am missing something that I never thought I didnt have. That's what I need to move past.

Have ya'll had a similar experience?

Support » I just found out my husband is gay » August 4, 2018 3:52 am

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 23

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lisa,
  It's not clear to me what you mean by "too soon to try any other way."  Do you mean share him?  Because that's not what I was suggesting you accommodate to doing although being with other men will likely be the inevitable need that he will express. 
   I have a hard time with the idea that you have come onto the SSN based only on a "casual conversation" of "fantasies" (or to find a way to open up your marriage sexually, which is not really what the forum is designed to do, as I understand it).  Perhaps your partner is just talking about a whim; but many here will tell you that's how their own gay spouses opened the conversation--as "just fantasy," "just to explore," or other overtures for what turned out to be a full gay/trans symphony.  When you say "too soon to try any other way," what I read is that you are letting his "fantasies" define your boundaries and letting him set the parameters--and it's unlikely--and moreover you fear it's unlikely--that it'll stop with the fulfillment of a little fantasy.
 You are going toward something; it's just that it seems you fear it's not a place you want to go.
  
 

I am confused by your comment about my reasons for coming onto the SSN.  My husband has opened up to be and told me he is gay. He has had gay experiences prior to our marriage.  He is Christian and has struggled and suppressed it his whole life.  I am married to him.  Does that not make me a Straight Spouse? Do I not belong here because I am trying to work with him?  I've been pouring my soul out for 2 weeks on here and reading your comment to me felt like quite a blow.  If I need to go elsewhere please let me know.

Lisa
Waves and Riptides . And a few Tidalwaves

Support » I just found out my husband is gay » August 3, 2018 5:29 am

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 23

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lisa,
    I did the same thing.  Agreed to work with him and got a "box full of toys" and had sex on his terms for nine months before something in me asserted itself and rebelled and I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life satisfying his sexuality but not my very basic one of a heterosexual relationship--with my husband, in a monogamous marriage.  
  Based on my experience, in which the sex was fantastic and I believed everything was going to work out and I could adjust, I'm going to caution you about what you are planning.  Sex will draw you in and increase your bond to him; it is likely it will not do the same for him.  You will be drawn closer to him; it is likely he will not be drawn closer to you.  Down the road, this will make it harder for you if (from my perspective it's really a matter of "when" not "if") your efforts don't pay off.  I lost nine months to this part of the process of coming to terms with my husband's newly expressed sense of himself and his sexuality, and the effects on me of what we did during that time made the subsequent two years of trying to decide to leave and finally leaving much more fraught, painful, and difficult.  Every day you stay in a marriage in which you have erased all your boundaries, shifted them in ways to accommodate him and his desires, made his desires your own, is more pain for you later. 
   Ask yourself: if your DGH really wants to stay monogamous, then why has he even told you about his homosexuality?  People don't throw bombs into their marriages based on idle thoughts or minor urges.  Your husband is telling you about a fundamental aspect of who he is that cannot be satisfied with you.  Of course he wants to stay married!  He's been in this marriage for how many years?  He's squelched his sexuality for how many years?  Don't confuse wanting to stay in the relationship with commitment to the marriage or to you. 

Thank you, I know you are right but it'

Support » I just found out my husband is gay » August 2, 2018 10:37 pm

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 23

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Wondering89 wrote:

It just doesn’t work that way unfortunately.. once they try one they want more and bigger and thicker..
plus both married men could develope feeling together.
They go into gay adolescence.. my stbx showed me his Grindr and the messages and how it’s set up and so many men are happy to do blow and go.. 

Like if so many message a random person and just want to suck their dick without a profile photo or anything.. just image how many people they would do it with.
I dont know if they can be content with one dick. One gay guy my stbx talks to his in a relationship with another man and still is searching for more.

Well I'm just getting a box full of toys and we will play with that for a while. Right now my DGH wants to stay monogamous. I work in that with the knowledge that in all likelihood his side will be open at some point.  With all the shit I've been thru I am honestly not surprised m  I dont think anything can shock me anymore.
Lisa
Waves and Riptides

Support » I just found out my husband is gay » August 1, 2018 10:29 am

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 23

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Wifeofabiman wrote:

This message is for Lisa. My husband and I continue to have great sex and he goes out of his way to please me but he also wants a boyfriend, either one for himself or one for us to share. I too thought if our marriage is going to last (we both have agreed that is our aim) that it might be best if we had a couple—- a straight wife and a bi husband. That way I would have someone to talk to, my husband would have someone to have gay sex with, and I wouldn’t need to worry about my husband “falling in love” with this man because this man would also be in a committed relationship with his wife.....

I am thinking the same exact thing. How is it possible to meet someone. I have no clue how to do it

Strategies for MOM's » Anyone have experiences with staying together? » July 31, 2018 9:32 pm

Lisa Emelsee
Replies: 84

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Brassyhub wrote:

We cannot carry The Gay Thing alone. It is simply too traumatic, too earthquake-ish. So shaking of our identity. We have to seek out friends AND therapists to help us on our journey. We cannot make it alone. We have nothing to be ashamed of. We've done nothing wrong, other than fall in love and develop a relationship with someone who wasn't straight and perhaps didn't understand themselves and their gayness. Or did, and deliberately hid it. But again, that's their responsibility, not ours.

I am not in a good position to confide in anyone. I've had the same group of friends for 20 years with love/hate relationships in between. There isnt one person in that group I can count on to keep a secret, especially this!, and especially because there are some gays in group as well. More like acquaintances to us but still.  I cant tell my aging parents or my sister, I already had one failed marriage with a severe alcoholic. They will somehow blame me for this. My only friend I can tell is going thru so much with her aging father, I cant lay this on her.
The next issue I have is that my DGH wants to stay married. I opened his side, he said no. He is in love with me and I am his soul mate. He wants me. I love him more than life itself. He is an amazing man, he took care of me while i went thru 3 years of cancer.

So for now, we stay married. I play "gay sex" and have fun with it. He is starting a new job and once he get started our financial situation will improve. When that's all settled we can revisit. In the meantime I'm going to enjoy this new fun happy man who likes to go shopping and watch high Jackman on TV.

Lisa
Waves and Riptides

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