I wanted to write a follow up to my post. 

My husband and I have filed for divorce and everything will be final before the end of the year.  To be honest, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I no longer have to carry that feeling that something is off, or that something is wrong.

To be honest, my soon to be ex agreed to the divorce quickly and painlessly. I almost feel like he realized the illusion was broken and now that I know/knew what was going on, he just wanted me out of the picture.

I’m feeling better, still a long way to go but I haven’t felt this light in a long time. There is hope, for all of us going through this

longwayhome wrote:

Is there any willingness on your husband’s part to be accountable for any of his own actions/decisions to lie and deceive? Based on your post, it doesn’t appear so.

Look after yourself well because I truly believe, to the level you can put yourself first in your life, at this very moment, and until you can stabilize yourself and your situation, it will ensure you also greatly protect yourself from any further possible longer lasting harm while on this life altering journey.

I really hate mentioning this, but if you haven’t been tested for STDs, it’s always in your best interest to do so. Be safe.

Also, I don’t like that you state your husband remains angry. Watch that. It can often be a way to deflect you, stop you from pursuing the truth. Always remain standing in your truth. Your truth, gives you your strength- don’t loose sight of it.

There is no willingness to acknowledge the pain he has caused me.  He has never apologized for it, though he insists that he has.  I plan to get tested soon, its obvious that he's sought out some risky sexual encounters.
 

Daryl wrote:

Trust is a critical component of any relationship. What is he "working" on, besides asking you to forget everything you discovered, that he was hiding from you?

He says he takes care of the house while I am away at work (sometimes its months) and I realize that there is some basic maintenance required there.  I don't mean for this to sound cold, but "taking care of the house" is something I could do remotely.   We had recently purchased a property and he was working on that - again, I could have hired it out.

So its hard for me to see what exactly his is working on.  I pay all of the bills with the exception of our health insurance.  

 

I've lurked here for some time, but this is my first post.  I needed to write it all down as if to make some sense of it.

I've with my husband (53 yrs old) for nine years and we've been married four out of those nine years.  I'm 43...through out relationship there has been many red flags but he always gave me what I considered plausible answers.  The explanations were just enough to satisfy me.  Those red flags included an obsession/porn addiction that focused on the male body, a large number of gay friends or male friends who didn't come around much unless I was out of town (I travel for work frequently) and just an overall lifestyle that seemed to focus on gay culture.  He was obsessed with gay underwear, etc.  He always told me that he looked at these things because he wanted his body to look like the models...

Every time I asked or confronted him about it, there was denial.  To complicate things, my husband was raped as a child by an older man.  Any time I discussed or questioned his sexuality, he said that it was "too much to discuss" due to the trauma, or "he couldn't be gay" and that he's tried to put that trauma behind him.  When I brought up these questions, I was reminding him of what happened.

But then, I found his Reddit account.  There I could see his comments/likes and responses to men seeking men, mostly married men seeking other married men.  It was in black and white, plain as day.  And this was 8 months ago.  

I am STILL struggling, every day.  I am disoriented and disconnected from life apart from my work.  I have lost all sense of my role in the marriage, of who I am supposed to be in the partnership.  I am absolutely broken in every sense of the word.  

My husband remains angry, suggesting I just "move on" and that he is "working" to build a future for us.  But I just can't trust him.  I don't know what to do.