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Support » Constant Pit In My Stomach » August 4, 2021 11:58 am

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 22

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How long will she explore is my concern for you. You say you can be happy in your current situation and that maybe true for now. But what if takes longer than you hope? This pit will only grow and become more painful, and you'll start to become more dependent on each other which will make decoupling way more painful than it would be now.  I once found myself in the same situation only my SO didnt have the courage to actually look for another woman and I thought that it meant we were fine. 16 years later it wasnt maybe a phase or something she grew out of. Im just warning that this could take longer than what your prepared for and you should maybe look for boundaries for yourself so you know when its too much before its too late.

Support » How come I always feel like the villain? » July 26, 2021 9:19 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 1

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Its been 3 weeks and I still live with my LX,  she keeps showing me gay memes/music videos/content. These last few days ive been feeling very homophobic and that made me feel awful about myself. I used to be very homophobic as a kid and teen and worked really hard to untrain my brain to think like that. Now anytime I see anything remotely homosexual slurs just start spinning in my brain. And I get so angry, it makes me feel like im falling into old bad habits and that could be a slippery slope for other old bad habits to show themselves. I have 3 people I talk to about this, one of them is begging me to set more boundaries revolving gay media. Not only does she not want to see me act like that but she could tell i was really upset with myself and promised me my LX would have to be understanding ive been so fucking good about all of this myself. So I asked her last night, since then, 4 gay music videos, 6 lil nas x memes(almost offensively gay) and a slew of random gay tiktoks. I asked today if she could just stop already, wth i tried to set this boundary last night. Since then, cold shoulder for 7 hours, not allowed to see her but can only her sobbing because " I hate her " no I fucking dont, i told you I fucking dont so many times. "But you;ll hate me for how i act now" WELL JUST PUT SOME DAMN THOUGHT TO YOUR ACTIONS. "Everything on my brain is just gayagayagay and i feel like i cant share anything about me to you". So now...I sit here and listen to the women i love cry, over something i said, because shes afraid to talk to me.

At what point after how many years of sacrifice will I finally stop being the damn villain? I hate living here, in this whole state, i have nobody who will even let me goto their house for a weekend. 

Support » I need help » July 23, 2021 8:24 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 6

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I really relate to wanting to be angry but not being able to bring yourself to do it, alot of this looks like it was written by me if i had any kind of courage to actually speak up to my ex, im not in the best place but feel free to pm and we can vent together. Im also 2 weeks in...and...its just really confusing. But the people here want nothing but to help. Sorry your here with us.

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 21, 2021 3:18 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

.......The idea of being on meds makes me sick, but i know its what best for me. Its so dumb and I hate even saying it but taking meds/getting meds/admitting i need them makes it feel like my attackers won. I wish I could describe it in a non petty way but I cant...... 

What attackers are you talking about?
 

Sent you a PM

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 21, 2021 2:22 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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MJM017 wrote:

Hi SSW,

I've called the suicide prevention line before during my divorce. It's a peer-run agency. The counselors are really good at making you feel better during very down times. They won't turn you in, report you or call 911 behind your back.. It's all anonymous.

You said you planned to call a psychiatrist for med management. Follow through on that. I have one and he has referred me to a few good people. He's referred me to some duds, too. I've seen psychiatry residents at a local medical school. They were fantastic. They know the latest therapies and meds. You may have a med school within driving distance.

Don't despair. You've come a long way getting support but it was you who did the hard work. You won't fall back.

Relationships end all the time. I'm sorry this one ended. It really hurts. It wasn't meant to be. Would suggest holding off on any dating, etc, until you get the support you need to get over this breakup.

Keep writing here when you want and need. We've been in your shoes.

The idea of being on meds makes me sick, but i know its what best for me. Its so dumb and I hate even saying it but taking meds/getting meds/admitting i need them makes it feel like my attackers won. I wish I could describe it in a non petty way but I cant. 
 

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 21, 2021 2:21 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

I wish I knew how to cope with pain in ways other than self destruction. I have to wait atleast 1 month before going to visit my only 2 friends. I have to live for 1 more month here with my ex, and it hurts so bad. I really dont know if I have that much time in me...I really dont think I do. But I dont have any other options. I hope I make it...I hope I do, but...i dont know.

You can make it. You have the number to call, you have the Forum to unload on. This is a very specific time in your life to prove to yourself you have the inner strength to withstand the emotions that you think are going to overwhelm you. The change in you has to come from you though. And it's a realisation that actually the recovery from this, your healing as a person is more important than drowning in the hurt you feel. 
When my 40 yo son had lost his home, out of touch with his partner and girls, living in a city park in a cold Australian winter and had nobody but his family in NZ trying to keep his spirits up...he told me he'd thought of "necking himself" twice (I didn't ask what that means, I wouldn't even urban dictionary it, I know that he wanted to finally feel nothing). But I like to think that our constant communication with him, at all times of the day or night.... helped him draw from the resilience he had at his core. Suicide stops you from realising your potential as a human being. Let's help you over these speedbumps, these potholes in the road.
 
Can either of your 2 friends come to visit you? Do either of them know how bad you're feeling at the moment? 

Elle

 

Unfortunately they cant, its already been discussed. I dont blame them they have families jobs and a real life outside of the friend whose breaking down. And they know its bad...but not this bad. I keep promising them I wont kill myself and that I will make to my vacation to see them. But I cant tell anyone how close I am to killing my

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 21, 2021 12:29 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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I wish I knew how to cope with pain in ways other than self destruction. I have to wait atleast 1 month before going to visit my only 2 friends. I have to live for 1 more month here with my ex, and it hurts so bad. I really dont know if I have that much time in me...I really dont think I do. But I dont have any other options. I hope I make it...I hope I do, but...i dont know.

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 20, 2021 10:49 am

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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Rob wrote:

What I found though is trust is quite relative...for myself anyway what I found is my GX was so morally broken..most people I meet are of better morality and quality then her. Lots of good people in the world as this forum proves..no need to worry about that now.

Im sorry to hear that but this really isnt my case, im the morally broken one. My ex came into my life as a bi person who helped me rebuild myself from future felon to future director at a great job. I watched her struggle with her CompHet for over a decade with me...I know neither me or her want us to be here. She never cheated, never hurt me on purpose. Im not gonna hold this against her...more or so against how she was raised. And again, im sorry we cant relate on this.  This may be her fault for refusing to ever explore any part of her due to fear and i am very upset at that...but i wont pretend shes morally corrupt or somehow a bad person, im sorry.
 

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 19, 2021 6:57 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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MJM017 wrote:

SickSadWeeb wrote:

And for future reference my username is a reference to the show Daria, there was segment every episode called "Sick Sad World!" and im a weeb through and through so i just combined Daria with anime and got SickSadWeeb. 

During tough times it's better to be like Daria. I'm like that naturally. Maybe you as well?

I got in over my head the only time I did something impulsively - had a rebound romance after TGT. I wanted a one night stand after years of a sexless marriage. I wasn't thinking clearly. I allowed myself to get talked into a romance. The guy was a creep.

I understand how much it hurts. It's utterly unwelcome to uncover a big lie which unglues your relationship and your trust in another person and your own judgment in picking romantic partners.

Do you have family you can tell? What about therapy? It takes me a long time to find someone good. Am in CA where the demand for therapists has created for profit psychology graduate schools. Pay and go. These therapists aren't so great, in my experience. It's hard to find someone who went to a real college/university. They had to study hard to rank high on standardized tests and have a high undergrad gpa. Much better, IMO.

You're young enough to take your time to heal and start over. Count yourself lucky.

Take care,
Maria

Shes working up the courage to tell my family, but they arent the kind of people i can rely on. For instance i found out theres a family vacation about to happen....without me.  Yea finding a good therapist feels impossible and not really a challenge im willing to climb atm, i will look into actual medication for my PTSD though as it just seems easier to stay on meds while i travel vs going to therapy and travelling.

Oh god I havent even thought about how this is gonna affect me trusting any one of my future partners, it all feels so overwhelming. Every minute theres a new struggle attached. But im happy i found a positive place for someone lik

General Discussion » Its been 2 weeks and everyday has been worst than the one before. » July 19, 2021 5:46 pm

SickSadWeeb
Replies: 23

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Abby wrote:

Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. While you need friends may I suggest that instead of moving to where they are you re-double your efforts to find a qualified professional counselor in the area where you work. Friends do not have the training and experience to help you break old patterns and rebuild your life as you want it to be.
 

I always wanted to leave the state i live in, and i dont feel safe in it from my CSA. Ive been in and out of therapy and am currently trying to get a psychiatrist, but i really want to travel so i dont see therapist being a real option.

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