OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Support » And I'm confused again...but what else is new? » February 23, 2023 11:03 pm

private
Replies: 2

Go to post

My ex dated a guy who shaved his eyebrows and made himself look more feminine. So, it was difficult. In the beginning, I was all over the place. I felt that I had to be stronger, harsher and more masculine for him. But that wasn't me. I was a woman, and I was feminine. But I think with their struggles we somehow get wrapped up into it and subconsciously adapt some sad way. but somewhere on this site it says the best way to fully recover is to distant yourself. completely. only when you are away from them will you know yourself. 

Support » So many feelings… » February 23, 2023 10:58 pm

private
Replies: 5

Go to post

I felt that way when my ex started to explore his sexuality when we became intimate. It was as if I woke him up. Soon after I wasn't enough. Soon after he would start to put me down, my body, my desires. So, I personally agree with many of the comments here, you can't fix or change his desires. he will always have them and if you are like me you will end up hurting in the end. Consider the best and quickest way out. Save yourself.

Support » healing sexually » February 23, 2023 10:32 pm

private
Replies: 0

Go to post

As a woman, my body burns and I feel overwhelmed with the pain of needing to be touched, caressed, and made love to. I remember how difficult it was when my marriage began to decline sexually. I remember showering and crying because I deeply wanted a man in my shower. I wanted to caress his chest and admire it and to gingerly kiss his lips and caress his neck and kiss it gently. This desire heightened after I began to recover mentally, emotionally, and physically from the abuse of my then husband. However, it was with one encounter that I realized that I needed help trusting men again. I met a man outside of my medical building and he asked for my number. I gave it to him and we proceeded to text for the next five hours. He was openly sexual. He discussed kissing me wherever I wanted. Half of me wanted everything he was saying. This is exaclty what heterosexual couples do so why was the other half of me deathly afraid of a straight man touching me. You see, my ex-husband was a closeted abusive gay man. This is where I am now. Dealing with the need and desire to be with a man and not knowing how to go about doing that.  When the straight man began to discuss things in his texts I actually cried. I cried because I felt confused. I knew in my heart that I dreamed in my fantasies that I wanted to have a sexual relationship with a man. I knew I needed it. As someone told me, “We weren’t meant to be alone”. But the thought of trying to be with a new man, of trusting him with my body was scary. I thought how did my ex destroy me so? How could he have stripped my deep desires of men, the different sexual desires I had and force me to bury them down in my body. These are questions I need help exploring.  I am seeking a sexual therapist to help with that. In the meantime, I am working with my body to return to my true sexual self. While my mind struggles, my body needs the touch of man. My body yearns for a massage of a man who will slowly gently lead me day by day, w

Support » What do outsiders say? impact on kids? » November 4, 2022 6:53 pm

private
Replies: 13

Go to post

After I have stated that closeted ex was abusive..
sometimes I don't get the support I'm looking for. Do you find this to be the case for you?

Secondly do you ever worry you child might end up like them or never want a committed relationship in the future?

or just hate gays in general?

Support » Bitter » November 4, 2022 6:39 pm

private
Replies: 7

Go to post

Oh honey,

At the beginning it's hard to disengage from them. We think they will at least be human enough to help in someway.
But that's not the issue their just selfish...thinking they have a new lease on life while we have to deal with the burdens they left behind.

I'm sorry you are struggling.
I'll tell you what I did.
I sold my house because I simply couldn't afford it alone.
I let go of responsibilities or gave those to him such as splitting who keeps which dogs . I know you love them but too many for one person may just be too many.

Next I pretended like he was a stranger and that way I never depended on him.
I had to learn to depend on me.
yes I cried. still do but now I do things on my own or ask a trusted someone to do it.

Support » 83 year old separates from wife 84 » September 27, 2022 2:02 am

private
Replies: 4

Go to post

Thanks to everyone for your replies.

First dad hoards because he is stressed. but if he were to live with me he would not have the space to do that.

Second he changed his mind.
He said he saw how sad my mom was and decided to stay. He also said he did love her.

I don't necessarily agree with their choice because I don't know how long it will be when they start arguing again.

I had hoped to see them calmer the last year's of their lives but they cant seem to leave each other...catch 22.

Support » 83 year old separates from wife 84 » September 25, 2022 11:00 pm

private
Replies: 4

Go to post

My father told me he was bisexual about 15 years ago. It was a very difficult conversation as I was going through a divorce from my own closeted bisexual husband myself.

Now at age 83 he and my mom are separating.My siblings have told them we are tired of them pitting them against the each other and we are fed up with their fighting.  The main reason is that they fight like cats and dogs and he is a hoarder. He pretty much started acting single after he retired and their mutual respect when down hill from there. He is going to live with me while my sister is going to live with my mom.

It's hard as I forecasted this. If you know in your heart that you can't love 100% it will blow up and someone is going to get hurt. My mom is devasted that he really can't love her. He says he does but she is filled with so much anger and hatred he can't live with her.

He was wrong to stay as long as he did.

Is He/She Gay » Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife » September 14, 2022 8:13 pm

private
Replies: 3

Go to post

From Abusive Married Men who have sex with men impact the worst part of it:
...
Then one night, that horrible night, he came over with food again. Except this time, it was different. Instead of a meal, we would all share together, he brought three separate meals. My son ate his and went ahead up the stairs. I took one or two bites, and the room began to spin. I felt as if I was falling unconscious. My ex tried to wrap his legs around my body and tried to take advantage of me. I fought him off and the rest seemed a confusing blur. In the next few hours, I began to develop panic attacks and paranoia.

It was then that my world would change drastically. I saw things, felt things, and could not stop my anxiety for the next week.I went to see my doctor and asked her to run some blood tests and give me an IV to try and flush out whatever was in my system. But since it had been a week there were no findings. What I did know was that I had developed a psychotic break which ruined my career, and I was terminated.

I reached out to a law firm. But the truth of my predicament was too hot politically. How could we explain what had been happening to me? Who would believe it? And so, I filed bankruptcy and lost my house. After that, my son and I were harassed by those of the double identity.

I had to be committed to a mental hospital five times because I could not find a safe place to heal, nor could I find any therapist that was willing to heal me. All I saw was anger in their eyes and how they were using all the pain they experienced as outsiders to fuel ways to hurt their target, me.

The mental hospital experiences were in of themselves additional traumatic events; with bland food, rigid nurses and staff and a cold environment that did not supply the warmth needed to feel safe and nurtured. It felt as if the punishment I had endured with my husband, with the Double identities, the closeted MSM’s was not enough. I still needed to be stripped down to my core and stampeded on

Is He/She Gay » Abusive Married Men who have sex with men and the impact on wife » September 14, 2022 7:44 pm

private
Replies: 3

Go to post

I have written a blog of 9 pages that discusses my pain over the past 10 years and how I reached out for help and was hurt and blocked from getting help.

My story starts like this From a straight spouse’s own words: I have been asked by people I have barely known and therapists alike many times, “Do you feel sorry?” That question assumes that I am the only one at fault. That I knowingly was aware of the impact my decisions would have on my immediate family and thousands of others.To answer it, I will be honest. Yes of course I am sorry that my actions hurt my immediate family, especially my son. I never thought about how it would hurt him or how he and I would be revictimized. I also feel sorry for those who felt injured and wronged by my words but to be fair I never used names. So, if my words hurt, these words were directed at a nameless demographic.

When I spoke aloud and wrote about my pain and anger as a straight spouse, I assumed that everyone who was a double identity was doing it to hurt others as my husband had hurt me. I assumed that their motives were criminal, and they were knowingly taking from their mates as my husband took from me. I did not know there were double identities who both had agreed to mate. I did not know that there were double identities that simply wanted a child and live a life with their mate who knowingly knew their identity or at least had accepted the life with missing sexual parts in it.

Nevertheless, I wish to clarify what really happened to me and how I developed my painful mindset.Before I married my husband, I was ignorant of identities as it related to mine. I had never heard of double identities before. I had only understood you could have one or another, but I did not know of the duality whereby individuals fought within themselves to fit in the norm. I grew up in a city where duality of identities was not discussed in my home. Nor had I ever had an interaction with individuals whose identities were different than

General Discussion » Warning to wives of suspected gay men » May 24, 2021 7:12 pm

private
Replies: 1

Go to post

I can only tell you my experience. It's important I get it off my chest. My ex may be like yours. I don't want you to suffer like I did. When I suspected my ex was gay it was because he didn't want to do oral sex on me and he no longer wanted intercourse. He'd want me to do oral sex on him but my body was now gross. He'd try to make me feel as though I wasn't attractive and that sex was not necessary. I was and still am beautiful but he didn't want me like a straight man would. I've slept with straight men I know when I'm wanted. Then his friend would try to flirt with him. I later found out his friend was gay because he admitted it but my ex would always deny it. I now realize he had a group of men that would lie to me while they slept with each other. When shove came to push he preferred to poison my food to make me think I was crazy along with his gaslighting behavior. Men like this are dangerous. Get out before it gets bad. Say my needs are not met. The courts won't believe you about his cover and there's no use bringing it up. So be smart about how you divorce and you might be ok. I have to say my trauma isn't over but it's now my turn to warn the wives. Please don't stay if you are unhappy. Don't let it happen to you.

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum