Is He/She Gay » Is my husband gay? We have 13 years sexless marriage. » August 31, 2023 11:50 am |
From my experience, porn addiction is usually the cover to other issues.
In my case, I had NO idea about the other’s porn addiction until one day after 8 months of being married I stumbled upon it. I asked what type of porn etc and never got a real answer. I was afraid it was child porn or something. All I got was it’s disgusting and you don’t want to know. I even helped the other seek porn addiction counseling and therapy groups. There are SO MANy free therapy around town and believe it or not most of these groups are done at a local church!
After my d-day phone call and 15 years later, never admit to what was being watched I figured it out myself. It was transporn.
I also had lack of intimacy for 10 years and couldn’t figure out why. Even though I was not into porn I tried it to keep things alive. Now I know it was the wrong type of porn.
Now the other is a transfemale and prefers to be taken care of by a man.
The lack of intimacy in my honest open has to do with sexual needs not being tired, over worked etc. apparently the other was “attracted” to me in the first 5 years but after I discovered the porn it went down hill. And the more the porn addiction the more lack of intimacy.
If you know in your heart this isn’t what you want, don’t suffer and waste anymore time.
Be blessed and take care.
General Discussion » Day 4– From the deepest closeness to the deepest despair » June 21, 2023 10:42 pm |
The other was also a spender but in moderation. I was the frugal one digging the other out of debt when we met. I taught the other how to save, avoid interest and negotiate deals to save. So when I say I DESERVE everything I got in that settlement I meant it. The other would not be in the financial position if I didn’t pay for an MBA and put my savings into the other career. My divorce statement was “I made you who you are and don’t you ever forget it”! It got really bad. You don’t know someone till you divorce them.
The other went on HRT within 2 months after telling me it would be at least a year. Again lies. Officially name change and out at work within 6 months. Spend money on clothes and electrolysis right away.
Please open your own account. Put money in when you can. Also if you start divorce proceedings you can get a judge to sign off on freezing the account till the divorce is complete due to the radically “pink” fog of trans happiness on spending spree.
I was and have been a shell myself. I can’t think or concentrate and don’t know what I need to snap out of it. We’re all in the same boat the spouse who never suspected and left holding pieces together bc we believed and loved as we should.
I have only repeated this story to a few of my closest friends but will never repeat it again. You will find your path and who you can lean on for support.
Two people I have leaned on I actually met through the local support group. We have become good friends.
If you need a friend, message me. I understand and hear you and feel your pain.
Take care.
General Discussion » Day 4– From the deepest closeness to the deepest despair » June 19, 2023 7:55 pm |
May.b,
I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I was in this situation myself. 17 years of my life wasted to be ambushed with a phone call about the other being trans. I never saw it coming and was totally blindsided. One phone call changed my life, not even a face to face apology or discussion. This coward moved me across the country not knowing a single soul to another state miles away from my family. COVID hit and entire country on lock down when I got the call with no remorse. I was in a blizzard storm freezing in the dark. It was like a bad twilight zone but it was real and now part of my story.
I know you are in a tough spot financially. But if you can reach out to some churches that might have legal resources. My friend used one in my state and only paid according to your income. Hers was done almost pro bono.
The news and shock still hits me. The person I thought I knew was fake. The gaslighting and lies was unbelievable.
Things were amicable until they weren’t. I still had compassion and found therapist to help the other. Meanwhile the other was in dating and hookup sites and sexting men married nake pics in lingerie and bad wigs and makeup. This is when things turn bad very quickly.
I fought for everything I DESERVED! Please remember when divorcing a dishonest partner to have everything in writing and leave up to lawyers if possible. This is no time to be nice as this is to secure YOUR future and your children’s lives. Treat this as a financial transaction.
I’m almost 2 1/2 years out. There are good and bad days but it’s turning around.
I’m hope the best for you. Be strong and look after yourself.
And telling YOUR truth and your pain is not outing someone. Do not let the gaslighting continue.
Be well!
Support » What do you do when it all goes to hell? » June 7, 2023 4:17 pm |
Wanted to add….
Please give yourself time. Grieving is not a linear process and you will have days like this. Lean into them but don’t stay there too long.
And know you are worthy and not worthless! You are/ were coping with the information you have. You didn’t see anything bc he lied and didn’t allow you to see it.
Be kind to yourself and show yourself some grace. I’m trying to do the same.
Take care!
Support » What do you do when it all goes to hell? » June 7, 2023 8:28 am |
Anon,
I totally understand how you feel and we have all been in this place at one point or another.
I also have no children, do not interact with my so called “friends” anymore as most of them were wives of the other. I can’t be around them and their husbands are the other’s friends who have treated me horribly since this all came out. Someone even threatened me in that “friend” group because I found out he has a “secret” too.
My BFF moved away to a different state and I hardly speak to her now. She has her own life and I understand. I do see her from time to time when she visits. Making friends in your late 40s is really hard.
I do not have pets, but I’ve thought about it from time to time. Then the reality of it hits me and I would rather be petless than to be burden by money.
I also live alone and my family has been great, however I do not chat about my situation anymore. I’ve realized those who have not been in this position do NOT understand. They do not understand the pain, the betrayal and hurt. I only discuss on forum or with a few friends I have connected with from the local support group.
There is a deep part of me that’s not functioning and I sit at home on the couch and just feel miserable, too. I was seeing a therapist and stopped as I felt it was not working and again monetary burden kicks in. I might need to find another one but all therapy works only if you do the work. My mind doesn’t want the therapy to work because like you, I always asked myself WHY?
All those feelings you have are valid and the instinct and fundamental good nature would want to ask HOW? WHY? etc. I would ask the other WHY all the time. And I got yelled back WHY do you keep asking me I don’t have answers! This was bullshit!! You understand you will never know WHY! Narcissistic and Sociopath people will ALWAYS blame others. And they can cry with you and tell you they are sorry, but as soon as you hang up the phone they go back to their lives. T
General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » May 11, 2023 11:08 pm |
This is what helped me for settlement…
I was willing to be “nice” and not take more than my fair share; however after I uncovered more deceit, lies, sexting, etc…. the gloves came off. Blowing up my world with no remorse and a coward to face me.
Divorce is a business transaction. Treat it like one to set yourself up for YOUR future. I didn’t pull discovery bc I thought even after all the deceit there surely wouldn’t be missing money right? Shame on me for being fooled again. I totally recommend to pull discovery before a divorce settlement.
And when you deceive someone for more than 16 years, you deserve more than half! I said this straight to the mediator to preface the meeting. Three rounds and I didn’t back down! If you can negotiate future bonuses and earnings that would help you for a few years.
I didn’t have a lawyer bc I was in a weird situation on my ask for the settlement. I did consult with many lawyers before given the advice to mediate.
You don’t know someone till you divorce them. I totally believe this.
Good Luck!
General Discussion » Inception » May 4, 2023 12:01 am |
It’s been awhile. 2 1/2 years out from D-day and for the last 2 wks, my mind has been going nuts. I’ve been having some crazy dreams and keep coming back to the movie - Inception. This trauma feels like someone stole my dreams of a happy marriage and life.
I even started to miss my old life because what I thought was so perfect and real. I compare this to people who stay with their abusers and never understood that mentality, but I now.
I must be the most naive person in the world because I never thought this could happen to me. Why would a “man” seek out a women to marry and live life with when all they wanted was to be “fulfilled by a man” and desire to transition to a “woman”. What kind of sick person does this? All comes down to being a sociopath but I still can’t see the sometimes.
I must still be in “Inception”…..
General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » May 3, 2023 11:54 pm |
Elle,
I haven’t been on the forum posting in awhile, but I do read it often when I need some support and encouragement to know I’m not alone.
I wanted to say I am so proud of you taking these steps!
It’s hard to pull the trigger but when you do, nothing stops the flood.
You can do it! Hugs!
Support » Please respond with some moving forward stories » May 3, 2023 11:52 pm |
I thought I had the “perfect” marriage. I thought my partner was my soulmate. Kind hearted, caring, loving, etc…But wow was I in for a shock when it was all lies and now this “person” is trans and desires be taken care of by a man. He also came out as bi (for like 2 days after the trans bomb). When I pressed about it, it was really gay but didn’t want to admit because now I’m a “woman”.
The mindf*^% is real. I am 2 1/2 years out and find my sadness comes and goes. However I do realize now that the “perfect” marriage was in my mind and not the truth. When I examine the lies, the betrayal, the emotional abuse and mental abuse…it was not so perfect after all.
Is a perfect marriage based on deception and lies? Mental abuse when you are gaslighted thinking your partner is heterosexual? Emotional abuse of withholding intimacy?
I thought it was perfect bc I couldn’t see past the hidden deception. Perfect marriages are based on truth and trust.
Therapy really helps but I know you have to put in the work. It helps to get out and meet people and stay active and focus on yourself. I still struggle with that but hope to turn it around.
When I feel sad, I try to see the good and be grateful. I’m grateful to know I won’t die thinking I had a “perfect marriage”.
You well get there, it’s baby steps. Be well.
Support » Feel lost » May 3, 2023 11:31 pm |
Marianne wrote:
Nadine, I meant declaration of nullity according to the church law. My husband is trans and he didn't tell me some things I had right to know before marriage, which I hope will be sufficient. I was waiting for his official diagnosis to have some hard evidence.
Marianne,
I WAS in this situation. The “other” came out as trans and bi but just really gay. Not into women at all. How was I married for 13 years is BEYOND me!
I did successful get an annulment from the Catholic Church. I am not of Catholic faith but I’m appalled that you have to fill out all this paperwork and inquires on your childhood just to get this done. Your childhood has NOTHING to do with a lying “partner” deceiving and presenting as one gender when they knew they were not.
I didn’t not fill out the paper work. I started it, but then I stopped and had the other do it since “he” pushed for the church wedding. Since “he” was such a liar and took vows before God, I made him go back to church to face the priest.
The paperwork came back as an approved annulment based on deception. All his responses were just can responses taking no responsibility and not even saying bc I am trans or want to be a women. And lying on the responses! How sad is “he”!!??? Again lying to God.
I did not respond to the annulment paper work. I wanted to send all the proof I had lying, sexting nude pics as a “women” but then thought why am I wasting my time?
In my divorce proceedings with the court…I did not settle for “irreconcilable differences” along with “ can no longer cohabitate as husband and wife”. I HAD the mediator put “16 years of deception representing as male when desired to be female, infidelity and desire to transition to female”. I was NOT signing off on “irreconcilable difference”.
Good luck with the annulment