Sean wrote:

Thank you for sharing Jo. There is an excellent book that helped me unpack my own broken thinking. The title is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I particularly enjoyed the audio version of the book which I listened to a few times before I truly understood the author's message about something she calls "the work." I highly recommend it. Be well!  

Thanks very much Dean. I will look for it.

Lot of people might think me unusual, but my ex-husbands partner from when he passed has made cobtact with me couple times. I met him furst time at fuberal but my son had spojen of him often.

Sonis c hgeckibg in on him today.  We were all extremely dignified and kind at the funeral- and that was n o rice and commented on.  All if us were pall bearers. At end, My son, partners ex and I all walked together arms around each other behind t h e hearse.

Thanks Sean. I'm still not 100 per cent sure what to think about those few years of our marriage when I had thought we were happy. I believe I truly did love him. The really bad stuff hadn't happened.  He felt like "My Real Family". We were poor then but so corny that I felt rich in some ways.  Our families and friends, and work colleagues often remarked how it was obvious he adored me and how close we were.

Then it was after having a child, me not working and earning money, we moved interstate for his work - and everything we not to shit.

Something else I thought of - he originally told people he was bisexual when he first started coming out. Son said he is definitely gay, not bi.

In hindsight and on reflection, I said in a previous post that he showed his true colors. I think it's fairer and truer to say that after I left him, I saw a very dark side to him. It was revengeful at times.

I believe also that some of the problems in the marriage had nothing to do with him being gay or even an alcoholic, and that I played a role in that - and I'm sorry and wish I had done differently. I had gone back to work for a time when my son was 2 years old, but at that time in Australia, there were not rebates for childcare, and my earnings put us into a higher tax bracket so we were no better off. I didn't look again for work though planned to. I spent time in church group, too much time when I should have looked for work.

Despite seeing his dark side, knowing definitely he was gay, I still do love him. Being older now, and since my last (heterosexual) and disastrous relationship, I no longer have any interest in sex. The lack of sex had played a big part in me leaving him and wanting to be in a sexual relationship. That means nothing to me anymore.

I'm sorry for this rambling. My dogs are snuggled up beside me. I have couple days off work and  doing some renovating. I am ok though bit tearful at times. Just sad.

Thank you Sean. Thank you for the suggestion of CODA too.

I know it likely sounds ridiculous, but I was hoping that my husband did in fact love me although he was a troubled person and despite everything that happebed.

I suppose if I felt he had loved me even though it wasn't possible to be in a "relationship" -  and I could accept that - I would feel better.  Knowing that I meant nothing to him and that he only ever used me, hurts enormously.

The fact that in  not one single relationship with a man I became intimate with was healthy, and that I was rejected by all of them - I can't even put into words how that feels. It's crushing because I would have really liked a kind loving relationship.

I do believe that culturally there are lot of issues with Australian men and masculinity. It's a little better these days but amongst many, there is a deep misogyny - and certainly still a high number of closeted gays.

It's sad that it is too late for me now. I know not impossible that in my old age, I could experience long-lasting happiness in a relationship - but extremely unlikely.

There was a tome - in the the early part of my marriage before I became pregnant that I had thought he really did love me, maybe around 4 years, but once I had the child it all went.

Oh my home I is such a mess right now. I'm tired from work and his death and everything it has brought up for me. I'm also doing some renovating so I need to tidy up my environment.

Thank you Sean.

Thank you for your honesty Sean. I'm working at processing your reply because I know it isn't the answer I had hoped for but likely the answer I need.

I think I'm likely grieving the partner, marriage and life that I wanted but did not get to experience.

I know that something is wrong with me because even though I only had 4 relationships since then, and I thought I was choosing carefully, each relationship seemed to start off well, but would change. The first one after ex-husband didn't start for 3 years after I left the marriage. It lasted around 6 years I think. I found out he was leading a double-life, claimed in the last 2 years he had been diagnosed with bipolar. Someone who knew us both claimed he was bisexual. He became a gambling addict and serial cheater and liar.The police came looking for him when a woman a t his gym claimed he stalked and threatened her.

The next man was a psychologist, Mr Good Citizen. Very charming and conservative. His wife left him a few years before. He claimed she left him for another woman. After a while, I let myself be talked into moving in with him. He had major financial problems, 2 damaged teenagers in his care for half the time who he couldn't cope with. He is was emotionally abusive to his daughter. When she moved to live permanently with her mother, he became obsessed with his much younger hairdresser and dumped me. When she dumped him, he very soon met a wealthy widow whose husband died 6 months prior. They are still together. She's been very generous financially to him. He is hapoy. 'llHis ex-wife was also rich. I don't think he got over fact that she took her money with her when she left.

Next, I eventually became involved with man I knew in business who had told other people he had been very keen on me a long time, and others said how obvious it was that he liked me a lot. We had a shared interest in horses and animals and spent a lot of time together. After a while, we got together. I was so happy and he seemed v

Hello Sean and thank you for your post. I'm not sure you can answer my question. I will give you some background.

I am a 61 year old female. I met my husband at 17 and he was 20. We married when I was 22 and had just the one child when I was 27.

I was very hurt that when I was pregnant, m husband said he couldn't have sex with me - that it felt revolting knowing that I had a baby inside me. The pregnancy was planned and wanted. Before pregnancy, we normally had sex about once a week. After the baby was born, he maybe had sex with me once every couple of months. His drinking became heavier too.

He was not a regular kind of guy in some ways - but I liked him for his differences. He was not a macho type of guy and I think over a period of years, he became more effeminate (his speech and mannerisms). He loved cooking,was a good dancer and dresser. He could make me laugh and was kind.  I loved him so much.

When our son was 2,I found gay porn hidden. He swore it wasn't his and dmust have belonged to previous house owner. I know it didn't.

During the next few years, he became increasingly critical of me and after a few years, I was a total mess with absolutely no self-confidence. He could say hurtful things especially when drinking.

Eventually, I started making  friends outside the hone and saw a psychiatrist for some time. My confidence improved.  My husband's drinking increased. I wanted to go to counselling to save our marriage but he said no counsellor required, just a psychiatrist for me.  I had asked many times if he was gay but he said I was filthy and sick and denied it.

I left him. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Part of me hoped that he would tell me he loved me and wanted me to come back, but he didn't. He said he wanted me to come back because of mortgage and child so I didn't go back.

When our son was a teenager, people were gossiping about seeing him in public holding hands with other man.  He came out to our son, but never to me.  He told his