OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Search results

Backpackerdad · General Discussion

Part of it we’re definitely hard but I took a lot of strength from the end too. As someone who is struggling to untangle themselves from their MoM and find the courage to start over it held meaning for me. As a bit of dark humor my LW was upstairs at the same time watching Ammonite. She asked me to help her rent it on her iPad put it her headphones and proceeded to watch it . No offer to watch it with me or find something we’d both like. Oh well I said to my self and went downstairs and find something to watch on my own. You can imagine my surprise when I landed on The Dig.

Backpackerdad · General Discussion

If any one has seen the new Netflix produced film The Dig. It is a great film and has a side plot that mirrors a lot our experiences ( or Hollywood’s version them). I don’t want to ruin the film by saying too much more but would love to hear from anyone who has seen it .

Backpackerdad · General Discussion

I can definitely relate to this. My relationship with my LW didn’t start out like this but in the last 3-4 years definitely has become a sibling like relationships. We still hug and hold hands occasionally but it feels weird and I usually feel regret after. We still share the same bed but with a huge body pillow down the middle . It’s been that way for 3 years but I never thought to question it past rationalizing it as a part of her difficulty with a serious hip injury. I think when you want a relationship work so badly it’s just easy to rationalize behavior and put aside feelings that when you have clarity of time and distance you can see as detrimental and not the kind of relationship you want or deserve

Backpackerdad · Support

Deceived,
I am in a similar spot. My wife wants to stay in our marriage for financial and family reasons. At least until our youngest child finishes high school in 3 years. It took me a while to get to the place I am now of wanting to file for divorce. I thought I was giving up on someone who I love and the happy memories I have with her. The thing that has helped me is talking to her about why she wants to stay in the marriage. I would encourage you to listen very closely to the reasoning your husband is using. In my case, my wife acknowledges her SSA and that the marriage is broken. I listen very carefully when we talk about the marriage and her reasoning is all based on her comfort. Her parents are extremely homophobic and religious. She says she is just getting "her feet under her" and doesn't want to change things too much now. Also, she doesn't what to lose financial stability. The other day she said to me when I brought up divorce "you don't want to live in a crappy apartment do you." I thought wow, that would not be my first reaction and I would rather be poor than unhappy. On the other hand, she says that she realizes the marriage will not be fulfilling to me. Some others on this forum pointed out to me that those are not reasons I would marry for so why should those be reasons to stay. I think that is an important focus to have as you consider things. Do you feel like the marriage is meeting your needs and/or that you and your husband are truly working on the marriage? Otherwise, you might be in the situation where you are merely a shield that will be cast aside once he feels he no longer needs it.
I wish you all the best and hope you find all of the peace and strength you need.

-BackpackerDad

Backpackerdad · Support

I agree with the previous posters. Don’t ignore you own feelings. If you try to they are likely to bubble up in ways you don’t like or that are not productive. It’s a little cliche but I like the saying “ walls keep people out. Boundaries are doors that let people know where to come in. “

Backpackerdad · Support

Ahisma
You should definitely seek out a different therapist IMO. I think you should feel heard by them and also know that a lot of us feel shame, betrayal, and trauma related to sex. My LW told me all I thought about was sex and made me feel like a sexual deviant because I desired her. I hold a lot of shame and fear around intimacy now and my therapist is working with me on unraveling it. It is early days as my LW only disclosed 4 months ago but having a good therapist and this community has made all the difference.
If you don’t listen to it already the SSN voices podcast had a great episode on 11/14/20 about consent and relationships. It has a focus on men’s issues but I think might be helpful .
Sending lots of healing energy your way
-backpackerdad

Backpackerdad · Support

Wow I cannot thank you all enough. It is so nice to feel part of a community during this tough time. I have been so isolated and those few people I did tell ( my dad and a couple of friends) while sympathetic cannot relate.

Lilly your words meant more to me than I can begin to express. I did go back and reread my post and can see your points. She claims no interest in dating right now, and wants to just be a family and take things a day at a time. But I see her make all kinds of efforts to hang out with her new friends even taking days off of work to go for walks with them. She has stopped wearing her rings and when I point that out to her she said “ oh I keep forgetting to put them back on” But has not put them on again yet. I keep telling myself to pay attention to her actions not her words.

I am going to keep myself guarded and start working on my divorce filing this week. I may keep the ring on a bit longer as it seems to spark her ire and I’d like to keep the her from retaliating. She has a tendency to say call me out in front of my son or make me feel like I am being dramatic or overly sensitive. I think for my son it would be best to spend the next few months in the most stable home I can provide. If that mean wearing my ring and appearing to go along with her plan while I get organized so be it. I am pretty sure she is ( although not being honest about it) doing the same with her friends.

I am going to stop talking to her about planing together for the divorce . A couple of days ago when I asked to talk about it she said it w financially difficulty and I was being irritating. Wow, I thought. If she had ask me that I would have be heartbroken and asked what we could do to work on things and been reassuring. Our whole marriage she has told me I am moody and talk about my feelings too much.

Thank you all so much. Your words mean everything to me. I hope I can be here for you all and give some of the hope and empathy you’ve given to me

…

Backpackerdad · Support

*I am reposting this here on the recommendation of another forum member.*

I am a straight man in a 15 year marriage. I really thought I had found my soul mate. My wife came out to me 3 months ago and have been struggling ever since. I feel totally alone and rejected. She has resisted my attempts to discuss divorce and seems to want to stay in the marriage at least til our 14 year old son graduates high school in three years. I have tried talking to her about how I do not think this is workable in the long run and do not want to put my life on hold. She says she wants me to keep wearing my wedding ring and not be with other women. I have always been faithful to her but I can feel loneliness creeping into my mind. She has several new lesbian friends and I can't help but feel jealous and that she is just using me as support till she is ready to be fully out to her family and our kids. Am I crazy to even consider staying in this marriage? How have others approached deciding to stay or knowing when it is best of end the marriage.

- BackpackerDad

Backpackerdad · Strategies for MOM's

Thanks to you both. I will repost in the Support section.

Backpackerdad · Strategies for MOM's

I am a straight man in a 15 year marriage. I really thought I had found my soul mate. My wife came out to me 3 months ago and have been struggling ever since. I feel totally alone and rejected. She has resisted my attempts to discuss divorce and seems to want to stay in the marriage at least til our 14 year old son graduates high school in three years. I have tried talking to her about how I do not think this is workable in the long run and do not want to put my life on hold. She says she wants me to keep wear my wedding ring and not be with other women. I have always been faithful to her but I can feel loneliness creeping into my mind. She has several new lesbian friends and I can't help but feel jealous and that she is just using me as support till she is ready to be fully out to her family and our kids. Am I crazy to even consider staying in this marriage? How have others approached deciding to stay or knowing when it is best of end the marriage.

- BackpackerDad

General Discussion » The Dig » February 6, 2021 11:52 pm

General Discussion » The Dig » February 6, 2021 10:47 pm

General Discussion » Felt like a sibling rather than a spouse » January 18, 2021 9:47 pm

Support » "Excuse me sir... can you help me?" » January 14, 2021 6:00 pm

Support » Feeling incredibly lost and lonely » January 12, 2021 10:12 am

Support » Feeling of Sexual Violation » January 8, 2021 6:14 pm

Support » To stay or go... » January 2, 2021 11:40 pm

Support » To stay or go... » January 2, 2021 3:10 pm

Strategies for MOM's » To stay or to go.. » January 2, 2021 3:07 pm

Strategies for MOM's » To stay or to go.. » January 2, 2021 1:23 pm

Board footera