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Support » This is so new and so painful » January 6, 2024 10:17 am

Emerald-

I am so sorry you are here.

You're a bit older than me, and your kids are a bit older, but I am about 12 years further along on this journey than you are. I could have written your post when I first found out.

I do have a question- if he has not met someone, and not been using porn, how does he know? Are you sure?

My husband and I (yes, we're still together) come from strong Christian backgrounds.

I will just say- I have NO support, and everyone talks about how we need to work on this "sin" together and I need to be ok with it.
No. You don't have to.

It doesn't go away. I spent the first DECADE believing it would. It doesn't.

Find someone to talk to.
And try to consider your future.

My kids are so young- and I can't support myself yet. But I have sacrificed my personal worth and my own mental health to try and make it work.

My soul is withered, and my faith (which was so strong) is hanging on by a thread.

Don't become me. Please

General Discussion » Just need to vent » January 5, 2024 9:21 am

I am so broken. I wrote a letter to my GIDH and I have read it and ré-read it countless times.

I need to send it, but I have a panic attack every time I try.

I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom after screaming into the emptiness and almost hyperventilating.

I used to believe in a loving God. But I have begged and pleaded and bargained and tried to threaten-

Silence.

Nothing.

I scream because it's the deep felt and guttural reaction to all I can't talk to anyone about or express.

I used to sing. I used to perform. I would feel electricity coursing through me when I was on stage.

It's all gone now.

No music.
No spark.

Just black sadness.

And I am standing on the point of a needle, and each way I look to fall is destruction-
Of me.
Of him.
Of our children if we stay.
Of our children if we break up.

Of life itself.

I don't want to die. But this isn't living either.

He was the best man I knew. I didn't settle- I married up.

But he has destroyed me.

General Discussion » Do I leave it alone? » October 24, 2022 2:45 pm

Hey all…
Long time no chat.

Not much changed on my end. Still here.
Focused on family and work- trying not to think about the fact that I haven’t had sex with my GIDH for 2 years
(Well, not sure if the last time counts… if it doesn’t, then it’s been well over 30 months).

I was poking around a website I probably shouldn’t have been, and I found something I am not sure what to do with…

A local guy (who I don’t really know personally) has a profile up, picture and all. Advertising his ability to “host” random encounters.
The kicker- he just got married in September.

I don’t know his wife. But should I tell her??

General Discussion » Fraying at the seams » September 17, 2022 8:31 pm

Lately- I feel like I am losing my mind at everything. Even little things.

I know that I don’t have the right to PTSD- but that’s what it feels like.

General Discussion » First Time Sharing » April 2, 2022 7:32 am

Eilleen-

I could have written your post myself. The shock, the questions, the wondering how I didn’t know, the tainting of everything in the past- these are all exact things I have said myself! As well as the confusion - everything changed for me, but nothing changed for him- it’s been two very different relationships. That’s a very good way to put it.
And I am also not able to just kick him out, nor do I want to- we have 3 kids, I work but he is the primary earner, and the insurance holder.

I saw myself in your post. Thank you. I know it sucks, but at least we’re not alone!

Strategies for MOM's » MOM Couples therapist in PA? » March 7, 2022 6:54 pm

Hello Hopeful- 
If you find someone, please let me know! 
I am the straight partner, in a 14 year marriage, and I almost completely broke on this last revelation. 
I have caught him 3 separate times doing things (with concrete evidence - no excuses), for months at a time, and I am sure it has been more than that. I always have to find out, he never comes out with it. 

And I need a counselor. The issue is - I can't seem to find one who has REAL helpful counseling. They either tell me I must leave and be true to myself, or put it all behind me and keep moving forward.

One cannot simply forget and act as if it's all the same as you once thought it was. 

I am also in PA - a bit more north than you. If you find a counselor in PA, please message me. I would greatly appreciate it! 

General Discussion » Just checking in » April 28, 2021 9:23 pm

Hey everyone-
Me again. It’s been a few months, and not much has changed.
Just grinding away, keeping kids and keeping house.

GIDH says he misses me, wants to BE with me...
and I just feel so broken. I have NO desire. At all. I don’t even want to hold his hand... and it makes me sad. Because I enjoy physical touch. I enjoy hugging and cuddling and whatnot... but I can’t seem to want to do anything with him anymore.

I know it hurts him. And I know it makes him sad.

But I don’t know how to change my very core, which is what feels so shattered.

Also- thoughts that haunt me while I lie awake at 3 am and can’t get back to sleep:
-Why didn’t ANYONE (him, friends who may have suspected/known, etc) think I was worth warning/telling about this? Was I so unlovable and so untrustworthy? Did no one know, or did no one care?
- why did I have to find out? Just so I could be tortured?
-Why does he get to be sad, but I have to somehow pick up the pieces and try to pretend like it’s all going to go back to where it was? I DIDNT BRING THIS TO OUR MARRIAGE!
- I cheated on him- early in our marriage. And he brings it up- but my counselor told me... and I think she’s right-
I think from our very wedding night I knew something was wrong. The PASSION wasn’t there. The desire wasn’t there. And I went looking for that. It’s doesn’t excuse anything, but it does provide a little bit of explanation. My gut, my soul knew something was wrong.
I wish I had listened to it.... I want to die... but I don’t, because I want to experience love, and I want to watch my kids grow up.

Support » He said it's too late for him » March 1, 2021 11:03 am

Aurora - 
I feel like we could be writing the same story - except for the fact that at least your husband is honest with himself- at least to a point!

My husband will say he wants me, and only me - but he is most definitely gay. He is trying to pretend like everything is completely as it was before I found out. 
He is trying to stay in the marriage. He is TERRIFIED of losing everything we have, and says he is terrified of losing me. But I can't help but wonder if he is just scared of losing his cover and the image of him being a "great husband and Christian guy." 

I also can't seem to move past the feelings of sadness, depression, anger, insecurity, and deep deep despair. He gets mad that I can't just "make up my mind and choose to forgive and move on."

I am also terrified of leaving, but don't know how to stay, either.

What a fucking hell-trap we are in. I am so sorry you are here... but we are not alone. As stupid as it is that any of us are here, at least we're not alone, right? 

General Discussion » Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier! » February 27, 2021 11:28 pm

Thank you all for your encouragement and kindness. You truly are all my heros, and I wish I could give each of you a hug. Thank you for being here for me whenever everywhere else feels so lonely.

General Discussion » Guys... it's not getting any clearer or easier! » February 26, 2021 9:36 am

So. 

I can't get out of my funk.
I can't WANT him. He says I just need to choose to want him. That I am just trying to punish him. That's genuinely not the case!!
I had a dream the other night (it's actually happened a few times...), where we start trying to get sexy, and I end up breaking down crying. I can't imagine touching him again. I feel sick to my stomach.
And he says that  he's super sad that I don't say "I love you," when he leaves, or when I leave. The honest to God truth - I don't know how to say that without feeling like I am lying.

I don't know why I am in such a dark place for such a long time this time around! And I don't know how to fix it - either by staying and making it work, or by leaving. 

And I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. And I have been journaling and writing, trying to figure it out and work it out through words. And NOTHING is working.

I even spoke to a counselor... the thing is, people in my conservative Christian life all tell me I MUST stay. People who aren't quite so conservative tell me I need to leave - it's not going away, and it never will. And it's not going to get better - it's going to get worse.

Is this harder for women than it is for men? If men had a woman say they are "same sex attracted," but wanted to make it work, would they be able to more easily than if  the roles are reversed. Is it all a mind thing? I genuinely feel just.. disgusted and sick to my stomach all the time. And angry. Don't forget about angry. 

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