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Support » What is it like for you after/later/downstream/moving forward?? » April 16, 2021 5:38 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 29

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Victo wrote:

Trying to find a new normal has been hard. Especially in a pandemic.


Was she right? Is recovery truly impossible? Hmm...


Learning to actually communicate my needs, desires, and fears has been extremely tough - more difficult than finding sexual fulfillment. Learning to navigate the open communication aspect has been harder than I anticipated.

Things were going well with my new girlfriend. She encouraged me to live my truth and I was doing that. Then, I got vaccinated for covid w/o discussing it with my gf first. I snagged a last minute vaccination slot and got the shot. And then that night, I told my girlfriend what I had done. And she was furious and hurt and broke up with me.

From my POV, I was doing what I needed to do for my own health, wellness and survival. I knew she was dubious about vaccines, but I didn’t realize my gf was such a rabid anti-vaxxer. It was not enough that I could simply respect her choice and hope that she could respect mine. Now she refused to exchange any bodily fluids with me because I was now tainted somehow. Ugh.

Needless to say, this whole discovery/divorce/recovery process has been extremely difficult. I don’t feel much joy in life. At best, I am numb. At worst, I am depressed and lonely. Intellectually, I know that I am finally free and that there are lots of doors in front of me to open and walk through. However, I certainly feel overwhelmed by this freedom. I would like to find a new normal that nourishes and rewards me, but I still don’t know how this is going to happen.

I keep thinking about the attractive date who told me my recovery was impossible. I think she was wrong, and I’d still like to prove her wrong. But I do have my doubts. What if she was right?

I think you are forever changed as we are by all events in our lives.  I think you have proven that you have gained insight and be comfortable with changes in perspective - like realizing you don't have to go out of your way for LGBT acce

General Discussion » The link between being a straight spouse and sexual abuse in childhood » April 16, 2021 1:48 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 20

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phoenix wrote:

Victo wrote:

Thank you, Phoenix.  I think what Kimberly Mazella was talking about was the link between childhood sexual abuse and then becoming a straight spouse later in life.

Victo, Sorry I did misread what you were talking about. 

That's a different and also very interesting point. 
I wonder what the connection is between being sexually abused as a child and then becoming a straight spouse.  Perhaps the experience as a child creates a personality type that GID people look for in a mate.  Maybe the sexually abused child becomes extremely empathetic and compassionate?  Maybe the abused child becomes much less demanding in their sexual needs and accepts the GID person without questioning what another person would find odd?
 

not to take this on a different trajectory, but it has triggered memories of my childhood abuse.  Which led to this thought - the things that made me a victim as a child, only child, mother terminally ill, father away working to pay medical bills.  Just makes me wonder how needy I was back then made me a prey for people wanting to take advantage of me in many ways.  There were boys who wanted sex, people who wanted me to pay their way, etc etc.
I guess I'm just wondering if circumstances that led me to be victimized as a child then shaped me into a person who was still needy for love and being desirable/wanted.
I'm not revealing my childhood as part of a pity party - I'm long past that ;) this is just the first time I've thought about the implications with respect to my GID.  

Support » It just gets more difficult and confusing » April 15, 2021 10:36 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 32

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Blue Bear wrote:

Be careful at counseling.  My ex-wife and I tried couple's counseling, which became her opportunity to try to justify her bad behavior through pointing out her trivial complaints about me.  If I were to do this again (God forbid), I would not attend couple's counseling.  I already knew what I needed to know about my ex-wife.  She is adulterous, attracted to women and capable of profound, mindfucking deception.  I didn't really need a counselor to tell me why I needed to leave.

when I caught my husband hooking up with a man off craigslist, he acquiesced to couple's counseling. 
1) the counselor said the issue could be resolved with the forgiveness of cheating - like his sexual preference and the deceit in marrying me was irrelevant. 
2) the counselor then said we should just do one on one counseling and he never went on his own.

 

Support » Just needing feedback from people who "Get It" » April 15, 2021 10:10 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 15

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you guys have really helped me through a BAD Day!
 

Support » Just needing feedback from people who "Get It" » April 15, 2021 9:53 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 15

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Carly1227 wrote:

.......One of my close friends was able to tell me over a few glasses of wine that she hated how he hugged too long and made this growly/moany sound during the embrace.  I can tell she despises him - like he's a creep/perv. Encourage your friend to tell your husband not to touch her. It's a woman's power, her body, not his.

I think I will say something to my son about the gf feeling empowered to reject the hugs. I really think it should be a woman to woman conversation. It'll come out all male-testosterone-y if your son does it.

I getting some gratification from reading these posts and realizing my life isn't over.  I need to put my mistakes in the rearview mirror and realize that I can only impact the future - the past is what it is. Told you....your power. Slow and steady. Take your life back. 
 

Elle
 

Elle, are you set up for Venmo?  Maybe you're on my insurance??  great counsel. seriously- thank you so much.  I am going to take this advice to heart. 

Support » Just needing feedback from people who "Get It" » April 15, 2021 9:14 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 15

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Carly....your husband sounds like the sort of man you wouldn't want to have sex with anyway  

-I understand the isolation, but if you're a social butterfly get online. You can talk to people even if it's 2 metres apart can't you. During New Zealands 4 week Rahui (lockdown) we could walk around the block but so could everybody else and I'll say hello, stop to chat....to anyone
-I think being able to give our love to our pets and say goodbye by giving them the best, most comfortable time is a privelege.
-Your husband deserves to not take up so much of your thoughts. I'm going to say it "you have a job, appreciate the fact you're not having trouble holding on to one, like him"
-I'm 62 as well, and more interested in discovering the new me...than finding a 'buyer' lol
-Your husband sounds like he's a little miffed/embarrassed he isn't in the sole charge of all the manly things. You're obviously not ignorant so just let his nastiness wash over you. Don't hold onto it.
-70lbs? if you say it in kilos it's just under 32 kilograms...but joking aside....the only person who can change that is you....right?
-the near-death stuff, you have my sympathy. Don't let that man drain all your energy!
-This hugging women inappropriately....is it inappropriate to the women as well, have you asked them? If I was you I'd have a chat to your son's gf. She may not feel in a position to say "get off me"

Does anybody know about this other than you?

Elle

Edited to change holf to hold.....lol




 

Thanks!!!  You're right - I want sex/intimacy, but not with him.
Thanks for the metric conversion - I prefer how that sounds. ha!  I did start a healthy eating program incorporating some better nutrition etc.
One of my close friends was able to tell me over a few glasses of wine that she hated how he hugged too long and made this growly/moany sound during the embrace.  I can tell she despises him - like he's a creep/perv.
I think I will say something to my son abou

Support » Do you wish? » April 15, 2021 8:54 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 28

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Rob wrote:

Carly,

But whether it's your 3rd or tenth marriage how were you to know he was gay. They can hide it so well. Don't beat yourself up. This is all them.

They make us feel like such losers..when in fact we're really the kindest and best people.. we don't lie, cheat, steal..we keep out promises.

No you are not a loser.

Thanks.  I think I should have read some signs.  I don't know.  We were about 40 when we met.  I attested to his sex drive to the fact that he married very young and was recently divorced after 20 yrs of marriage.  I thought the sex drive was just the fact that he was already married when the rest of us were in college and being a little wild.

Looking back - that's what he led me to believe.  
 

Support » Just needing feedback from people who "Get It" » April 15, 2021 8:40 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 15

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Victo wrote:

Reading this makes my heart go out to you. First of all, I’m sending love and respect your way.

My narcissist-gay-in-denial-ex-wife once said that ‘marriage is a battle for moral superiority.’ And she literally meant it. This meant that everything was either a cold or hot war all the time. And if I did the slightest thing she did not approve of, I would feel incredible stress knowing she might come unhinged.

Of course, there was zero moral introspection on her part when it came to her deceit. She still feels morally superior even now after the divorce. She has never apologized for her absurd behavior and likely never will.

Get away from that hot mess of a marriage. It is the only path forward that can heal you. It won’t be easy but continuing to live this way is already not easy. Do you really stand to lose anything of value by getting out?

Do it sooner rather than later. Why let him waste any more of your time?

holy cow!  thank you!  I frequently tell him that I am on his team and he acts like I am the enemy.  I like the 'moral superiority' statement.  I went to dinner with a guy, his sister, and my 50 yr old nephew.  My husband found out (I wasn't hiding it, I just didn't bring it up)  You would have thought I cheated on him.  He said it "was completely inappropriate".  After all our secrets and denied crap - acting like we have a normal, hetero marriage... smh.

Support » Do you wish? » April 15, 2021 12:39 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 28

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Oh you guys!  I'm loving this thread.  Please continue to write more.  I'm usually an activator, confrontational to a fault, but in this case I am so gutless.  I found out for sure my spouse was gay/bi whatever but in denial 10 years ago.  I haven't had the courage to move forward.  I can make a million excuses about why but the truth is, I'm really feeling like such a loser.  This is my 3rd husband!  I have a grown son (from a previous marriage) who is living a happy, normal life and I don't have siblings.  My parents are deceased and I just feel I have no safety net.  And, if I'm honest, my pride - feeling of being a failure - not because of his sexual preference, but that I married him to begin with!

Support » Just needing feedback from people who "Get It" » April 15, 2021 12:28 pm

Carly1227
Replies: 15

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Not to get bogged down in my particular history - I'm just needing a little support from those of you who really know the struggle, so for a little background, I caught my husband -not visually but he admitted having sex with a man, pretended at the time it was curiosity that led him there blah blah blah.  That was 10 years ago and he is now back in complete denial.

So, for today's drama,  here's the thing in no particular order:
- I'm somewhat of a social person so the isolation of Covid is killing me.
-My 13 yr old dog is at the end of her life and I love her dearly
- I retired from my job and had to return to work at a job I hate because my husband has lost his last 3 jobs and is now underemployed and is on a performance improvement plan at that job 
-I'm 62 and not particularly marketable
-We recently did some renovations on our condo that expanded and my husband is ranting at me like he's the sole breadwinner and I am some ignorant little wife who spends his hard earned money frivilously (sp?)
-I've gained 70 lbs during covid shutdown!
- I had only recovered from months long near death health issue/hospitalization 1 month before covid shutdown
- my husband inappropriately hugs my son's gf (she's 25) and tells sexual innuendo jokes around them (I'm old school, we don't do that) BTW the son is from a previous marriage
-my husband inappropriately hugs females in general.

If you 've stuck with this to this point it's just to say that I had a meltdown the other day because I need a break, a road trip, something pleasant.
In my rant I told my husband that there are bottles of lotion all over the place - letting him know that I know that he masturbates incessantly when he is at home.  He's up til 2 and 3 a.m. 
He lost it and got so mad he walked out over that.  He controls me with his anger and the potential of what he might do - blindside me.  I don't mean physical, I mean leave me high and dry at this age and financial point. 

I guess I'm just saying that

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