Thank you, Elle, for your reply.  I'm still in that wanting more details/info stage.  I have a stack of text messages of his conversations w/men.  I also day dream about shoving one page at a time in front of him asking him to explain the situation and how can I believe he did not have 'sex' w/these men.  Right now, he tries to convince me it was just one guy, a few times, and that it was only a massage w/happy ending. PFFFT.  Yet, he never pushes on 'how' I know.  Denial is very interesting to watch from the outside.

My (unconfirmed/in denial) gay EX says his affair w/a man (men, actually, but he's only admitted to one man so far) was experimentation (he was 55 at the time).  It's been since June that we split up and since August that he finally owned up to the affair.  He says his whole life he's snuggled w/gender roles, but says he's not gay. It's interesting, he's taking up new hobbies (juggling...?) and he's changing his looks a bit.  He shaved his goatee off after 20 years.  He will turn 60 next week so I'm wondering if it's a mix of things or if this might be something on his journey to becoming a new person?  Any experience w/the coming out process or thoughts? Thank you - it's a journey.  Therapy every single week since June.  The worst holiday season of my life.  Looking forward to brighter days. Eventually.

texasjulia, your story is eerily similar to mine.  I've been on here for a while (discovery in June), but your story caught me b/c of:
 - similar age difference (he's 11 years older)
 - grew up in PA, lived in NYC for 15, moved all over; worldly
 - sex/intimacy was robotic (no eye contact)
 - I grew up in a small town; naive as well; still realizing I live under a rock (read, 'easy prey')
 - always buying me wonderful clothing, jewelry, but different than my style - I thought he wanted me to be sexy for him but really was to keep me looking good so he looked good (he gets botox for example - hyper focused on his appearance)
And Seans notes are in line almost 100% 
 - few long term relationships w/women - his version of long term is 2 years before me (8 years)
 - his closest female relationship is with this mother - tells her over the phone 'love you' - rarely said that me, always made me wonder
 - obsessed w/clothing, appearance - perfection
 
I have to admit as part of my healing journey, I've signed up for double list to read/learn/expand my mind - get out from underneath. my rock.  Shocking really some of it.  But this is where he went to find his guys. Craigslist at the time.  

I now wonder about his male friends.  I'm contemplating asking a wife of his best friend for coffee.  A woman to woman conversation about things before I came into the picture and also to let her know she might want to keep a check on her guy - unless of course, she's open to that in her relationship w/her husband.

What ai thought was a joyous thing growing up in the country, simple life, no really family drama to speak of, has now turned out to be somewhat of a negative in dealing w/life, being aware, and even acceptance. It's very hard to accept this scenario that I'm in - surreal to me that someone could be so deceiving and untrue and that I'm dumb enough to look the other way when red flags were flying all thru the air - Andy Warhol Marilyn Monroe paintings, the list

....or in the case of my story, he shifts the blame to me saying, 'you were never happy no matter what I did'.....I guess wanting to be touched by the man I loved and have some intimacy is a high expectation.  But it's not his fault he wanted to be with men, that was all of the people in his life suspecting that he's gay.  It's their fault that he wasn't sure.  You see, it's always someone else's fault.  In fact, I ended it b/c I found out he had affairs with men.  If you ask him, it ended b/c he wasn't happy.  He can't even address the elephant (or the gay man) in the room! Hang in there, it's a mind-twisting ride, but this is a great place for support.

Been together 8 years - he's 59 and I'm 48; he's been with men; cheated on me; says it was a period in time when he was 55; not sure if he's lying; he's figuring out what he is/wants/needs......I'm trying to heal