Undoing a marriage adds a lot more complication than postponing/cancelling a wedding. You need and deserve time to really consider your boundaries and what is best for you. It is not at all selfish. You were just now told information that is pretty major and impacts your life. You were told this information at a time that was about planning your wedding! Granted it was before the wedding which is better than after. It was known that you happen to be heterosexual yet you were not clued in that your soon-to-be-spouse had a long term desire to be considered a woman, which it not compatible with a heterosexual woman’s sexuality.

Please please take the time you need to make decisions that work for you. Not just what is “kind” what is “loyal” but what works for you. You have every right to advocate for yourself and your future. The reality of the situation and the facts you now know may be ok for you and they may not. You deserve time to figure that out.

Also consider your personal boundaries. Should the truths you now know not be the whole story, what then? You very well could have the whole truth now but it can be good to consider what your limits and deal breaker truly are should you be surprised again. What are your personal boundaries? What changes are expected if you in all aspects of your relationship with this? What are you on board with truly and what are you not? You get to decide.

In my personal situation where were several escalations and several things I was not ok with but felt it would be “mean” to say no. So I really suggest thinking what your personal boundaries are and knowing your wants/desires/feelings are not less important.

So sorry you are going through this pain.

In regards to those here “not having a PHD”. Yeah that is the point of a peer support forum. This is not paid therapy and not a panel of PHDs to submit questions to.

The other straight spouses here are not your paid therapist. We are individuals who have had experience with this situation for a varied amount of time. We have straight spouses who just found out and ones that found out 30 years ago. Some who have had this happen once and some where they have found themselves in a similar spot more than once or have had those close to them go through this in addition to going through it themselves. Some that are very distressed about what has happened and some that enjoy what has happened. None of us are in exactly to the detail the same situation but there are a lot of patterns that repeat and trends that start to emerge.

For *any* topic out there a peer support forum is not going to be the place to get 100% all the time rosy rainbows and sunshine feedback. This is a difficult topic and a difficult situation (even for those stay in the situation otherwise it would be unlikely to seek out support).

It is not reasonable to expect for this topic that no one ever mentions a negative outcome being possible. Many that are going through this not only have TTT/TGT happening but also emotional manipulation. We get quite enough “nothing is wrong, it’s all in your head”.

When people tell their stories and seek feedback one or more people will see in that limited information parts that are similar to what they have gone through. The feedback they give will typically include that information. Patterns tend to repeat. I don’t see people here telling someone “This is 100% guarantee what terrible thing will happen and I have cameras inside your personal life and so it is totally 100% exactly in your life as I am telling you”.  The person getting the feedback can take a look at the patterns and stories presented to them. It gives them an awareness of multiple po

Irreversible Damage by Abigail Shrier is another one.

Lynne - without looking into it more my first guess would be that women and not generally praised/welcomed to hold their own opinions.

Yes I do think he is somewhere on the range of a covert narcissism disorder. The words and the behavior doesn’t match up and now my eyes are open to that.

I have heard him tell one of these new friends (another older man) to basically just ‘get more money from their father’ to support them (the friend wants to continue not working and living in tourist spots around Europe). He tends to see his own parents in a similar light which was not at all apparent in the beginning. These are able bodied people well into the 40’s with no problem with having a parent (who is probably at an age to be on a fixed income) just pay for their life. Even without TTT this is not a person I would select to be in a relationship had I been given the chance to decide based on the real person. It goes beyond the trivial ways we present our best selves when first meeting people.

About one year post disclosure from spouse about TTT, taking hormones, the works. Still in the house and with the pandemic still mostly at home. He’s accumulated a lot of clothing and adds more weekly in addition to tons of lotion and makeup. Not uncommon to see short skirt and heels for walking the dog. My understanding this “teenager” like phase is quite common. Not very present with our child, up and down in terms of contribution to the household at all. Most of the day and night spent in videos games while playing loud you tube videos and talking to a new set of friends for hours and hours. Leaves sex toys out in the open in the main bathroom, generally oblivious with how all the past lies have impacted things. Lots of rage and unforgettable things said the first few months but now back and forth interacting well with child and treating poorly.

So the roller coaster goes up and down. Not sure if it is an idealization-devaluation-discard cycle or what. I have zero trust after so many lies and how very different this person is from who I met. I find myself really suspicious when he tries to get my option on a meal or anything like that. I just feel it is BS and a means to stay in the home and not fend for himself.

Had a couple over outside recently and they version they got was plain clothes and calm and interactive. For any where there was conflict in the relationship did you experience this where with known people they acted totally kind and regular? I feel like it made me out to seem sooooo unreasonable to not want to stay and make a MOM when they are just so much how they always were. They will even do this when on the phone with some of the new friends. Say something out loud half to me that I know is total crap but makes them look good.

I think I totally lost my train of thought on this. But the way it feels is like I’m being guilted into a MOM (or rather trying to be guilted) that I do not want because they present to others very differently t