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1 | General Discussion » Telling the kids » September 15, 2023 6:13 pm |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 13
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@Stop_and_breath
Thanks for your update. I came to the forum today to post about my situation with my 17-year-old.
October will be one year since my divorce was finalized, and a year and a half since my ex moved out. Very long story… But today I’m feeling really alone and resentful, and really really want to tell my son why I divorced his dad. I just want to tell him. I want him to understand why I have these bouts of moodiness. I want him to understand why I have CPTSD. I want him to do his chores without me having to ask! I deal with enough.
Anyway, I will likely continue keeping his father’s secret, but some days are hard.
| Support » Scared and Alone » May 16, 2022 2:35 pm |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 15
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Ellexoh_nz wrote:I'd like to be a fly on the wall if you ever decide to make that scene
I wish there was a "like" button in this forum!
| Support » What do I look for in a Therapist?? » May 16, 2022 1:55 pm |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 9
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Crystal_H wrote:
This entire time I thought I was the one being narcissists and had many narcist behaviors due to how I was maneuvering through the marriage and even giving myself much grief and regret for this. Now after finding out that I wasn't crazy and there was actually something there that I just couldn't put my finger on is very eye opening. I have a therapist. so far we've connected. She is not a trauma therapist however, she's been pretty good and making me more self aware that I was lied to and it was not my fault.
Absolutely, you weren't crazy. This forum is where I started to hear the word "Narcissist" and I initially thought, "no, he's not like that". There are different degrees of it aside from the stereotypical boisterous jerk. For example, my ex is a "Covert Narcissist". He seems like such a nice guy to everyone, maybe a little introverted, but in reality, he was acting & & lying & manipulating & hiding.
…
I think we all have self-preserving traits come out now and again and I also wondered if I had narc tendencies but it's the long-term emotional manipulation that makes us 2nd guess ourselves constantly. I wish I had known about narcissism before our last attempt at couples therapy. He was more concerned with making himself look innocent & victimized in the eyes of the therapist than actually working out an amicable friendship with me.
It took me a while to find self-help that resonated with me online since I couldn't find an actual person to work with me. I'm glad you have someone to talk to. It's so important to tell the truth to someone.
If the covert narc sounds familiar, here's one more video...
Take Care!!
| Support » What do I look for in a Therapist?? » May 16, 2022 11:21 am |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 9
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I have had trouble finding a therapist over the last 10 years. I even had one woman on our first day, start telling me how sad it was for my gay husband to be in a marriage with a woman.
…
What has helped me the most in the last 8 months is learning about narcissism in its various forms, Complex PTSD, dissociation, and how to manage dysregulation. Before that, I kept focusing on my husband being gay, whereas, I really needed to focus on healing myself and moving on.
At this point, I am personally looking for a therapist specializing in trauma and EMDR therapy. I will add some links to YouTube channels that were helpful to me. Take Care!
Surviving Narcissism
Doctor Ramani specializes in narcissism
Resetting the Vagus Nerve, releasing trauma
Brené Brown, Shame
When you're ready to start taking charge, Mel Robbins was helpful in motivating me
| Support » Scared and Alone » May 16, 2022 10:54 am |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 15
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@Agl03
Your last post sounds really positive! Your courage really shows and you're taking charge to get out of the situation. You also have a great support system around you who know the truth, which will make all the difference!
My ex and I tried "Discernment Counseling" where we chose to work on a friendship but all it exposed was that he wanted to look good in the eyes of the therapist and not actually work on a new relationship going forward. The advice I got here was to not waste time on couples therapy and I am now a believer in that as well. I wish I had put the time & money toward our mediation, which is where we got down to the nitty-gritty of what this relationship will actually be going forward. I really wanted to be empathetic toward his situation and develop a healthy relationship for our son but unfortunately that doesn't work with a narcissist.
| General Discussion » Mormonism and Closeted Husbands » May 16, 2022 10:29 am |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 28
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beastie wrote:
I'm so sorry you spent so long stuck in a marriage built on lies. Was he abusive to you? Did he stay active in the church? Mine was very abusive towards me. I think he had such rage bottled up inside himself, and had to build a false narcissistic self due to hiding his real self, that abuse was inevitable.
@beastie
…
I'm very sorry you were stuck as well.
My ex was not active in the church after he moved out with me but it was always part of our life since his family is so involved. I've been wondering though if he's gone back. He's been spending a lot of time with his mom who is SUPER active. She gave his sister money after she divorced her 1st husband on the condition that she be re-baptized. The church might be where he ends up finding his new supply more easily. He adamantly does not want to physically give in to his urges (although he's addicted gay porn).
My ex was emotionally & mentally abusive. He's a covert narcissist. I've spent the last 8 months on self-therapy (as there isn't a lot of support for our situation) and can step back and look at our marriage with my eyes open. I have my own business I started over 10 years ago & *that* helped me grow as a person - enough to finally see he was purposely trying to hold me back and keep me down, keep me insecure and keep me dependent on him.
In my situation, I actually outed him 9 years ago. He convinced me that he was Bi and that he loved me & would do anything to save our marriage... we went to counseling for a bit & he was very open when I had questions... he blamed the church for his "confusion"... I decided that family is what you make it and we can love differently and I was leaning towards staying at that point. He suddenly wanted to buy a house and as soon as that was done he withdrew all communication, stopped love bombing me and I was back in the same, sorry situation.
I have health issues related to stress & prolonged trauma that I'm now dealing with.
| General Discussion » Mormonism and Closeted Husbands » May 14, 2022 12:32 am |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 28
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I’m not Mormon but my ex-husband grew up in a Mormon household. He would always use his religious upbringing as an excuse for everything. We moved out together very young and I think the only reason he did was to get out of his house. We were together for 30 years and still in process of divorce. He’s in denial and full of shame. Not my problem any longer!
| General Discussion » To all the straightspouses on my side of the world.. It's the 25th of » December 26, 2021 11:55 pm |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 20
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Elle - Sending you strength in the new year to take a little step forward each day. Congratulations on telling him you need time apart & reaching out to your family. That's huge!!
| Support » I need your opinion » October 29, 2021 4:53 pm |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 8
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Thanks for your input, Everyone.
It was very helpful to hear from others who've gone through "this". I'll be working on not letting him take up any more space in my thoughts. I also met with a realtor and a lender to arm myself with more information. Onward...
| Support » I need your opinion » October 28, 2021 10:45 am |
- broomhilda2
- Replies: 8
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Gloria wrote:
My advice would be to leave if at all possible.
Gloria - I'm working on that. We're divorcing right now. My business (livelihood) is tied to our house while recovering from the pandemic, so I'm trying to figure out how to keep it & make him leave. I have a lawyer & working through a mediator.
Elle - It wouldn't crush me anymore. I've been doing a lot of deprogramming over the last few months. Sleep hypnosis every night, meditation every morning... I'm listening to the book "High Five Habit" right now by Mel Robbins and it's great.
Soaplife - Thank you. I was just thinking that toxicity will bring me more toxicity but I'm thinking about it a little different this morning. Pushing my guilty thoughts aside, I'm actually making way for new possibilities and at some point, my son will understand my side. I can't control what he thinks about me.