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Support » NEED SUPPORT » May 26, 2021 12:10 am

Dandelion
Replies: 9

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Hi BRI - I am so, so sorry. First of all, you are not stupid, you were manipulated. I understand the feelings of shame but urge you to consider they are not yours to bear. His secret keeping is about his trauma, his insecurities, his context. It not a reflection on your worth (or, of course, your daughter's!); Nor his purported love for you or her. This is so hard to consider, but so vital. Holding up two paradigms here: one that acknowledges fundamental wrongdoing on his part towards you AND one that acknowledges the challenges our hetero-normative society puts forth that makes it so hard for honesty to prevail. Why? Possibly because he really hoped he could make it so... You have every right to feel angry, missing and used. I do as well.  And... I dig deep for compassionate understanding, which serves me, emotionally, to find.  I find great validation in the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla in discussing : compusive, abusive, sexual relational disorder (CASRD); particularly in noting the trauma experienced by the partners.  Again, I am so sorry. 

Support » Feeling of Sexual Violation » January 8, 2021 10:06 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 31

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Hello Ahisma - I am so sorry. I understand your feeling of sexual violation. Consent requires being fully informed; not manipulated, deceived or coerced. When others gain access to us sexually by intentionally withholding information that they know would negate our consent (whether it is sex event #1 or #1000); we are being violated. It is hard to explain to others who often think sexual violation requires physical aggression or that a stranger be the violator. I like the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla and recommend podcasts that (he is goes on) that discuss relational betrayal trauma. I have had to seek "validation" for those feelings of violation outside of my personal network as it is very hard for them to a) understand how this feels and b) see the individual (who presents as a friendly, kind, gentle person) perpetrating this violation (interpersonal violence) in that way.  I am sorry you are here but know you are not alone.

Support » Life will get better » October 10, 2020 11:10 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 6

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Clintonia - I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. I resonate with much of what you have said. We experience a second layer of trauma with the invalidation of our experience of trauma. It is not inconsequential. Others just don't always recognize the layers of sexual and relational betrayal and trauma.  I do believe healing is possible, though I have accepted that  my view regarding the"goodness of mankind" is forever changed. While disapointed with this, I can accept it. I think it is possible to hold the AND view. I can be angry and traumatized by the abuse and dismissal AND recognize they may have developed adaptions as an adolescent that contributed to maladaptive behaviors as an adult, that they are just coming to terms with. The harm to you should not be minimized by whatever his experience is. I do think life gets better, but I am not sure it ever returns to the "normal" you once knew. For me, filling the "holes", has been a painful and illuminating journey. I always "filled" with all my attention on a male partner; and now have chosen to stay single to learn to fill me with "me". It has been the most empowering experience of my life. It isn't as exciting or romantic, but it is deeply satisfying and provides a security that I know will sustain me for life - since it is born of me.  I think of it as learning to fill the "holes" caused by harm from others, of "not-enoughness", with your own superglue of self-loving affirmation.  Learn to "have your own back". And know that others care about you, too. 

Is He/She Gay » Found some stuff out... Confused. » October 6, 2020 12:14 am

Dandelion
Replies: 6

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I'm so sorry Ferngrove. I have found the podcasts and info from Dr. Omar Minwalla particularly helpful. They highlight both the behavioral and relational aspects of this sort of betrayal and the impacts it has on the betrayed partner. It is a form of abuse, causing significant trauma; and in time I learned to hold that clearly, and attend to necessary boundaries - while also having compassion for another's challenges. We can be angry AND compassionate. We can recognize their behavior as (once) adaptive AND (now) abusive. We can hold to love AND question trust. We can grieve what we've lost AND hold hope for healing. Wishing you all the best.

Take care of you.

Support » Shattered » June 13, 2019 12:11 am

Dandelion
Replies: 13

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Dear D: Sending you hugs and immense strength. What you may not yet realize: your strength has always come from you. Your life can be amazing when it is all about what is important to you. You can love from afar with absolute boundaries and limited interaction.You are worthy and perfect (as a perfectly imperfect human) as an individual on this planet irregardless of the input from the persons in your sphere. Everything changes. Pain heals and morphs. Humans are resilient. We can do good with our hard lessons.Even those that feel impossible.  They are not.  Life is not meant to be comfortable and pleasureable. It is meant to help us evolve as humans. To make us more compassionate, kind, grace-filled and yet, unflinchingly fierce.

Feel our warmth.  We need you. Stay. Heal. Grow. Help. Love.  In time, things will be different. You, are a unique treasure we need.

Support » How do you detach with love? » April 23, 2019 10:34 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 25

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I'm so sorry Mimi. I not having kids or marriage was able to physically detach. Mentally detaching was excruciating. What helped me was envisioning all that love as a sort of physical entity. I just pictured it lifting up and hanging mid air - still there. I didn't have to stop loving - it could still exist - I just no longer needed it to be connected to him. My love and ability to love was something worth honoring - his behavior not withstanding. And in time, I learned to take all that amazing love that I gifted - and apply some of it to me in a great big worthy hug whenever I needed it. Keep the love - Lengthen the tether and broaden the umbrella. He can dance off or not. The love is born from your beautiful heart and is yours.

General Discussion » in denial » April 5, 2019 11:49 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 45

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In denial - I am so sorry you are going through this. I see the questioning, the confusion, the absolute terror of the reality that you don't really want to believe. It is torture. It is madness. But I am here to tell you this:  I am two years out. Trust what you are experiencing, even if it is terrifying. And, trust that you can handle it nonetheless. It won't feel like it right now - but in time, it will. You, can set boundaries on bullshit. You, can do hard things. You, can shovel shit placed on your doorstop gently back on theirs. You, can survive without them - and actually be better for it.  You, can love yourself and your kids with all the ferocity you used to give (undeservedly) to him. You, can heal from the chilhood wounds this re-triggers and become wise and fearless. It is the way of women from time eternal. YOU are complete and worthy and loved and known - without validation required from anyone.  But those of us who have been through it are here and see and care for you, and hope it helps.  He is incapable of validating you at this time because of his own childhood fears/traumas/triggers. Don't attach his inability to do so, to your worth.  It will take time to re-trust yourself. Self-compassion is the super glue for the holes punched into our worth. Apply generously. Bob Hope: I have been humbled but have the strength of character to fight it. The shame is his. The new power open to you is yours. Seize it. YOU are worth it. Center your needs. Recognize that we never truly know another, and gift yourself with the grace you have dispensed so  freely on him. Life moves us to new, unexpected and beautiful places and pain can be the vehicle that gets us there.  Grief is just proof of love. Ride it with pride and hope.

Support » Anyone in St. Louis area? » March 1, 2019 9:57 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 3

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Finallyfree - I'm not in the area but wanted to post as I resonated with much of what you are dealing with. The loneliness of going from mom/wife/social engagements to solitude in a very short time is shocking and hard. Finding a new "identity" while dealing with grief and loss can feel overwhelming. I am a year and half out from having my life detonated and I want you to know it gets better.  I learned to embrace the alone time to find who I was and heal those parts of me that were dependent on another's validation of me. It has not been easy - but now I'm free. I reframe my alone time as opportunity to : take care of business, learn something, reflect, connect with those (even virtually) who understand or support me, get creative, find the universal lesson in the pain, rest, goof off, get physical, etc. The beauty in the "lonely" is the choice to become something "more" or "different" or just embrace the "me" as perfectly imperfect as I am.  Try not to compare to your old life. The new one can have equal but different blessings.  Trust that this is a season and that the pain can serve a purpose and will pass.  I say this with no intent to minimize what you are going through - it is excruciating!! but with hopes that it gives you strength to endure.  I do hope you find local support. Regardless, know, you are not alone. 

Support » TGT, Cheating, and Personality Disorders » January 19, 2019 2:57 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 19

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Whatishappening?  - What you are experiencing is a normal response to cruel and cowardly behavior. The confusion and disorientation is horrific! The cognitive dissonance from trying to reconcile what they  once were to what they are currently doing -  with all the gaslighting - is a form of psychological abuse.  I literally had to write out everything on paper, note which were facts and which were perceptions and study them daily to be sure I was grounded in reality. Other people cannot understand what you have been through unless they have been through it. It's like trying to hand them one puzzle piece at a time while you are able to see 100 pieces at once and can see the horror of what's happened while others can't perceive of it.  Especially if they present as "heteroamazing". That's why this forum has been so helpful for me this past year.  

While I once thought his silence was the cruelest thing ever (a cowardly avoidance and control tactic) -  I now see it as a gift. I believe he knew I deserved better than what he could offer me long term. I also believe he is incapable, at this time, of acknowledging the truth out loud due to his own shame. He cannot have empathy for me when he is buried in shame. And I won't play pretend and engage in small talk -(I have too much respect for myself to pretend he did not abuse me covertly for years) - so silence is where we land. I never, ever, imagined i would be in this place with this individual but I am. I'm sorry you are, too. It does get better.   Hang in there!

Support » TGT, Cheating, and Personality Disorders » January 16, 2019 10:16 pm

Dandelion
Replies: 19

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I'm so sorry for what you are going through Estella. I resonate with your words. My ex is in full denial.  We want truth over anything, but they are incapable of believing that we could handle the truth in a loving way.  They aren't hearing us. And that is not about us. Thinking through a trauma lens.... if they are responding from their wounds - which is what we do when triggered -  (their emotional trauma from childhood shame) - they are actually likely young boys.   This helps me detach, stop trying, and stop personalizing the abuse and callousness. It's beyond hard. I cycle through rage, grief, compassion and love many times a day. And I have had no contact for over a year. I aim to sit in gratitude daily for the learnings, the people that have supported me, and the fact that I am free from a broken man.

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