Hi I haven’t posted in quite a while.  Logged in this morning for some reason (new hubby is sleeping, today is our 3rd wedding anniversary).  My username still holds true from my gid ex husband who I was married to for 22 years.  After our divorce he tried to kill me.  I still live with the physical pain and chunk of my arm that’s missing.   My ex was never arrested.  Cops said you both have different stories, go live your lives.  For awhile I was quite obsessed with “the staircase “.  The judge in that case said he would never allow tgt ever again into a trial.  Too explosive. Omg like wow, are you kidding me.  Not a motive?  My ex is over 60 and has spent his life hiding from the truth (still in the closet).  Not sure why I logged on today.  The pain will never leave me.  When people ask me what happened to my arm, I’ve been able to shorten it to.  “That was a gift from my ex Husband”.

Depending on the person, place, time, my mood, how much my arm/hand is hurting that day.  The answers and follow up can range.  When seriously pushed, I sometimes disclose the gay in denial, he hated me because I knew the truth. It’s usually not worth it though, I can’t stand the how did you not knows .  This topic infuriates me though.  I feel as it’s just more collateral damage.  Not politically correct, you know.  Can’t be a motive etc. 

MJM,

I totally get what you’re saying.  You and only you can process your feelings.  I don’t post very often anymore.  Even removed “my story” for personal reasons.  BUT, I do read posts every so often.  But your post struck a chord with me.  It’s been four years since I left my GIDXH .  I have not seen him in a little over three years (the day he tried to kill me, AFTER our divorce ). I don’t ever expect to see him again, we didn’t have any kids (although I helped raise his for 22 years).

I lost those “kids” and my “granddaughter” plus live every day of my life living with pain from the attack and an ohh so lovely scar and chunk of flesh missing from my forearm (he should be in prison , but hey it is what he is).  So for me, forget ?  I wish!  But since that is impossible.  I am remarried now and re building my life.  With a man who loves and actually WANTS me.

But forgiveness.  I struggle. Yes I’m grateful to be alive and still have an arm , which ohh so many people have told me to be.  I guess the bottom line for me. I know he hates himself.  I can truly look back and say that I understand his reasons for hiding.  I can look back and see that he “tried “ to be a good husband in the beginning.  So I guess most days I forgive him for that beginning.  But the second decade of our marriage. No I can’t forgive him.  All the gaslighting, absolute mental cruelty I let myself suffer.  In denial of the real problem , being deflected by his drug addiction.the last four years as I started to figure it out and his denials about everything.  I too just wanted that apology.  As I figured it out slowly and so many times confronted him and begged him to just admit it (I finally found proof after I left him).  Then the very end, I’ll never know if his attempt to take my life was a psychotic drug induced rage or planned (our house was sold and closing in a week, we had rite of survivorship on the house in the divorce decree)

So for me, forgivene

Hi Lolita ,

For ME, I believe my faith actually prolonged my suffering.  I used to say that I wore out my knees in prayer and cried a river of tears for my still GIDXH.  Of course I was deflected from the real problem with things like an ever growing drug addiction, etc.

I have not lost my faith.  I put the onus on me, that I should have never married him in the first place.  God certainly gave me clues that I shouldn’t have , but I went with what I wanted (free will you know). God didn’t make me stay and suffer, I choose to.  Until, I finally saw the truth and found the strength to leave him.   I haven’t lost my faith at all, just trying to learn to listen better.

Well put Phoenix!

Ps since I don’t have my own thread going, I’m going to post on here, since my last posts have been on here.  Not going on honeymoon new hubby broke his back at work yesterday (last day before vacation)!  I’m blessed that he is alive and not paralyzed (he has a dangerous job ) He will have a long road to recovery.  And my world just changed in a blink of an eye.  I’m going to be busy and not posting for awhile, if ever again,  I’ll leave my story posted for now.

Sean keep fighting the good fight.  As I said on the last page.  Those who are willing to hear it need to hear the truth,  life is short and precious people.  Yes life can be very tough and full of bullshit, But it doesn’t need to be wasted with years of misery.

In my heart, I believe Sean is trying to help and make reparations for his past.  His thread is clearly labeled.  My best to all in your journeys.  My life’s journey just took a new turn.  So I will be focusing on my new wonderful husband and hope that what I have posted on here will be of use to others.

Sean,

In re reading the end of your post.  I can only talk about my GIDXH.  He is currently with another woman.  I truly believe that he does not want to be gay.  I believe (looking back on my detective time frame ). I think he had male encounters in his teens and possibly early 20s.  He married at 18 (his first wife).  When I started to come out of my denial and confront him, he cried “I’ve spent my life trying to make women happy.  My whole life has been a lie.  I’m a good man”.   Then screamed to the end that he was not gay /despite gay porn, nice collection of dildos, etc). He was very homophobic.  I don’t know if he ever cheated on me with a man.

I absolutely know that he did not want me to leave him.  Got a new beard immediately.  I also know that he was full of self hatred and became an addict.  Before the end, when I begged him to admit the truth, I think he knew I was so desperate to not loose everything that I would be willing to work out some type of arrangement.  I don’t think he wanted that, I think he was afraid of the freedom.  I went on a month trip alone towards the end.  He would cry on the phone begging me to come home.   So he’s still living a lie.  He used to call me a prude.  His new woman is more masculine then him.   I pretty sure she’s willing to strap on dildos for him.  She was a friend of mine.  When I left him, I told her she could have him, but that he was gay.  During the divorce we were all trying to stay friends.  She told me I was full of it, that she didn’t see what I was saying.  But she had absolutely nothing and was more then willing to step into my cushy life and have half my stuff lol.  So, let the new gaslighting begin

Not my problem anymore.  No contact at all.  Okay enough coffee time to get to it.  Don’t know if these were the answers you were looking for.  But hope it’s helpful to someone .