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September 21, 2017 3:57 pm  #1


Struggling

I am new here. My husband told me that he loved a man 2 years ago. Someone who was a family friend. He cried when he told me and said he "might" be gay. Said he had been confused since he was a kid. Said the family friend was not interested in him romantically. And then finished the confession with saying he wanted to stay married. My husband has an history of depression brought on by stress over the past. We have been married 22 years and together 24. My 2nd, his 1st. I am 59, he is 51.. Two weeks later I had an urge to check his phone. Something I would never have done before and discovered conversations that made me throw up. When confronted he admitted to hand jobs with neighbors who were also family friends. We started with a counselor for 8 months who was worthless. Then my husband went to our family doctor and asked for help finding a counselor who could help. The doctor put him onto a counselor who specializes in sexuality. In the meantime my sister calls me and says my husband had fondled her 24 yr old son who had just come out of the closet. She informed me that the incident had been 3 years earlier and my nephew had not been able to talk about it because of shame, but couldn't keep the secret any longer. My nephew had been asleep when my husband grabbed his penis and was startled and told my husband to get the f-out. I was asked to come to 3 sessions with the counselor for my side of the story. She asked at one point what I needed to go forward with the marriage. My reply was three things. 1. Delete the 5 guys I knew of that he had even a possibility of an affair with from his phone. 2. Access to his phone and Facebook accounts until I had gained back some trust. 3. Apologize to my nephew. He refused them all. A year after all this he has decided that he is the victim, can't say if he is gay or not, is insisting I need to be patient with him, says he doesn't understand my pain and can't understand my need to just get the hell away. How does someone profess love and do these things? We have a farm with my son (from my 1st marriage) and his wife and 4 awesome kids. The farm has been everything to all of us. It has always been my safe place. We had been in the process of making my son a partner when the crap hit the fan. Of course that came to a screeching halt and my son wanted to kill him for hurting his mama. Now my husband says if I insist on a divorce, I need to leave my home, give up the business and he will pay me off over the next 20 years. Why should I leave my sanctuary when I'm not responsible for the crap. He says he will fight me in court til the bloody end. I am perfectly capable of running the farm, but I am not willing to let it get to court. Why should we give it to the lawyers? In the meanwhile, I am still crying and for the life of me, I don't know why. I am smart and considered to be strong by friends and family. Why can't I shake this? I have survived stage 3 cancer twice. I am not a wimp until this. Isn't 2 years of devastation enough?

 

September 21, 2017 4:28 pm  #2


Re: Struggling

Wow.. Paula.  What a horrible experience.  I'm so sorry you've had to go through this awful experience. 

I'm glad you found us and signed up and shared your story.  We are here for you.  We will offer you advice and support and compassion and understanding. 

A few comments for you:
First.  Your husband is gay and has been lying to you for a long time.  You know this, but it's hard to accept.  I knew this about my ex-wife as well, but spent years pretending it wasn't true and hoping it would change.  It won't change.  It sounds like you have arrived at the conclusion that you must divorce.  I hope you are at peace with that choice.  It's the correct choice. 

If you haven't already, please find an attorney for an initial consultation.  If you live on a farm, I suppose it's a tight-knit community, so you probably can't just go to the local lawyers.  So you might need to use the phone or make a trip to the nearest bigger city where you have more options.  Most lawyers offer a free or low cost consultation.  Just meeting with an attorney doesn't mean you have to hire them to do the divorce.  You can meet with a few of them and learn a lot and still try to have an amicable divorce without attorneys.  If at some point it breaks down and you have to hire someone.. you'll be a step ahead and already have a favorite picked out.  Don't make a decision based on what your husband is threatening to do.  Get a real education first.  I met with a few lawyers and learned enough to do my divorce without them and it worked out well for me.  But not everyone can do it alone.  Lawyers do cost a lot of money.. but with a huge property worth a lot of money and a business on the line it could be a very wise investment.  You might be surprised what you find out about what is fair and equitable distribution of property.  Plus it will remove a ton of stress off your shoulders.  

Why can't you shake this???  Because you are a human being.  A good one.  No normal person would be able to shake that kind of hurt.  You can't stop loving a person that quickly.  You can't make yourself immune to the pain of finding out you've been betrayed.   It's OK to not be OK.  You are allowed to cry.  You are allowed to take the day off and stay in bed.  Be kind to yourself.  Let yourself experience the emotions and don't beat yourself up over it.  

A few more pieces of common advice around here:
1.) Go see a Dr. to get checked for STD's and talk about symptoms of depression, anxiety attacks, lack of sleep and other issues.   You may not think he's had sex with other men and that it's just hand-jobs.. but in most cases the truth is worse than the admission. 
2.)  Build a support group.  You are allowed to tell your family and friends and ask for support.  You don't have to make things worse for yourself to protect him.  He doesn't deserve that. 

Stick around and share your feelings.  That's what we are here for.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 21, 2017 10:26 pm  #3


Re: Struggling

Paula,

A home is made by the two people in it...  not being around him is priceless..hard to put a monetary value on.
 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 22, 2017 6:33 am  #4


Re: Struggling

Paula,
    I, too, went through a stage of feeling the feeling of "my past was a lie."  But then I read something over on Chump Lady that helped me and maybe will help you: YOU were not a lie.  What you felt during that time was real.  You were committed and loving; what he was in those times is on him.  What he was doesn't change who you were.  
  I've also found some solace in the fact that what I know now that I didn't know then explains a lot of his behavior then that caused me pain and that I used to believe was somehow my fault.  I look back now and know that his emotional disconnect and distance was not due to my faults or anything I did to "cause" them: they were caused by his struggle with himself.
  I do regret the years of trying and hoping, and wish I had divorced him years ago.  But I couldn't let go of or give up on my marriage, my hope that we could work things out, until his disclosure made me realize that we have irreconcilable differences caused by incompatible sexualities.  

 

September 22, 2017 8:42 am  #5


Re: Struggling

Paula, 

It sounds like you have done what you can to prepare yourself.  The separation agreement sounds like it was drafted with legal help and you can trust that it is fair to you.  I'm sorry you won't be able to stay on the farm.  

I know the idea of leaving sounds awful to you, but I think you will be surprised at what your future holds.  

Nearly all of us have a similar experience of fear and sadness over losing the future we thought we had.  We planned out our lives and had a vision of what was to come.  Most of us were very happy with the environment (the house, the neighborhood, the kids, the social groups).  When TGT (the gay thing) blew up our lives it shattered that picture we painted in our minds.  
The natural reaction is to mourn the loss of what we expected.. the future we thought we had.  Since we haven't had a chance to paint a new picture yet, the comparison we make in our minds isn't fair.  We only see option A as what we expected and option B as the ruins of what we expected.  
In time you will paint a new picture.  You will make a new home.  You will find peace and joy when he is removed from your life.  You will surely miss some aspects of your old life, but you will find new things to bring you happiness.  
It's hard to know what the future will look like, but just remember that there will be good things and happiness, so try not to focus only on what you are losing.  Try to see the beauty of an unpainted canvas and the freedom to paint it however you chose. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 22, 2017 11:56 am  #6


Re: Struggling

Paula,
A two time cancer survivor!  You are definitely strong.  I am so sorry for your instense pain.  This situation sucks, no other way around it.  I find that leaning on friends and family helps so much and you seem to have an abundance of support which is a testament to your fine character.  Hold fast to that and it will see you through this mess.

 

September 24, 2017 2:01 pm  #7


Re: Struggling

Paula wrote:

How can someone you've been with and loved and defended and excused for so long not understand what I was asking and needed? I just wanted him to see me. I just wanted him to love me. I still do.

 

I know EXACTLY how you're feeling. There seems to be a disconnect....but no good reason why somebody 
who knows me inside-out, and for SO long! shouldn't know that the thing he is doing, the things he is feeling  
are destroying the perfection it seems now only *I* thought we had
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

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