Hello Goonnowgo,

I am sorry you found yourself here, however I hope you find in this forum strenth and support you are looking for.
It is hard to learn that the person you married is not the one you thought so. That your devotion and commitment meant nothing to the same person you thought of as of your best friend.

Because of the double standard in this world, we are scared or ashamed of spilling our gay spouses secrerts. Because people tend to see them as a victim when in fact we are. They excuse their infedility cause they are gay and because environment does not treat them equal .
I struggle myself if I should say anything to my GHID family. They know nothing. They think he found a new woman since we could not get along. And maybe now we will be happier in seperate lives.
But they don't know that there is a deeper problem. That I am not the problem. Still I have to take that blame, because of my husband's denial who does not want to share this with his family.
They, in the other hand, got used  to the new reality so quickly that it hurts me so much, because I still have to take a part or blame for the broken marriage. But then I do not know if it's worth to say anything.

I do not know what should you do.
It is a difficult subject. And you are talking about your son suffering from anxiety and depression. 
My kids are too young to know in my opinion. Some day they will have to find out and my GHID will have to uncover himself or he will break another women's life instead of becoming true to himself.
I hope somebody here with adult kids who had to face that reality about their parents' sexuality, will have a better advice for you.
Take care of yourself.

Last edited by Lena (September 21, 2017 9:49 am)

Goonowgo,

I may be in the minority here but I would say no, no need to tell him ..  My older teenager took our toxic household and divorce harder than the younger kid.   In one of his meltdowns in our toxic house where he got no empathy from his mother only rage .. I was always an ear to listen..I did not tell but he came close saying this all started when mom starting hanging out with her friend. 

You mention that he has anxiety and depression. already..  As  much as I was hurting  and had swears and objects flying my way ..sometimes in front of the kids... this is not their burden to bear... a teenager has enough of their own problems and fears.  Its not like my kids could really help me...we're supposed to help them. 

We're divorced and live in separate houses now and I still feel that was the best decision ...the older one still does not want to hear about anything between his mom and me...  The kids just want a mom and dad.
They are doing fine.

If they were to ask me now I'll tell them my side... ... but while in the thick of it or even now.  I just could not see any gain in telling them what their mom did. or how much she hurt me.  They didn't need anything else to worry about...they had their mom destroying the family for that....I would not add to their worry and fears.      It's totally hard when we are hurting I know..   I figured if I had such a hard time processing TGT, how could a kid possible process/understand it.   And as much as I would have liked to say mom is a lying abusive gay narcissist..it would not help the kids with their mom...   (...my kids know what to call mom for and know what to call dad for.  I even joked to one..want your mom to call for that?...NO dad not her..she'll swear and scream..) 

Just be the most stable rock, consistent, reliable, empathetic thing in his life..  These kids  (and they are still kids) need one parent that  they can rely on..familiar,  loyal...  

A kind e-hug welcome to the forum..


 

Last edited by Rob (September 20, 2017 11:01 pm)

I second Daryl's suggestion, but would suggest looking for the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA).  

I, too, struggle with what to tell my son, now in his late 20s, when I make the break from his father, who declared himself transgendered two and a half years ago.  At first, I was certain that I wanted to spare him all the questioning he will be forced to subject himself to when he knows--in detail similar to but also different from what I went through--at a time when he was coming into his own manhood. He, too, had struggles growing up.  Lately I have begun to feel that I want him to know, not so he can take sides, but because I lived for over two years in my husband's closet and felt how distorting that was to my relationships with family and colleagues. I withheld, I avoided, I withdrew. I was inauthentic and distant.  I took on, in fact, exactly the same characteristics exhibited by my spouse all these years (we'd been married for 32 years when he disclosed his feelings) that so damaged our marriage and our family.  One of the reasons I am finally moving to tell more people (I finally told my mother this summer) is precisely because I have realized how damaging to me and to my relationships living in the closet has been.  I am a person who thrives on openness and authenticity; I'm a  "what you see is what you get" person, not good at hiding or disguising or acting in stealth. (In fact, the past couple of months going stealth while I plan my exit have been extremely difficult for me because it makes me feel dishonest.)  I grew up in a family with a mentally ill father who regularly threatened and attempted suicide, and this was kept a secret from everyone; the situation at home was bad enough, but the secrecy compounded it, and kept us from getting help (my father didn't want it, but the rest of us could have been helped). I want an honest relationship with my son, and I want him to be honest with himself and in his own life.  Moreover, since my spouse's disclosure I have come to see that the conditions in our home while my son was growing up can be traced to the distortions in my husband's personality caused by his struggle with himself, which has helped me stop blaming myself, and I wonder if knowing the real truth might help my son in the same way.  Let him off the hook, so to speak, of the terrible burden of feeling responsible for keeping his parents happy.  I haven't decided exactly what I'm going to tell him, but I'm no longer thinking I will "spare" him.  Silence and secrets don't "spare" anyone; they warp, distort, and damage.

I agree with Phoenix.  I don't think there's one answer, one right or wrong on this issue.  Reading others' thoughts and others' experiences help us as we think through our situations, but what we decide will come from our own feelings and our knowledge of our own children.