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September 20, 2017 3:05 pm  #1


My Fears

I am not scared of being without my GHID.   I AM SCARED OF BEING WITHOUT MY KIDS.

My GHID and I are not divorced yet. But I am looking forward into it.
Like for all of us, it was difficult path and desicions to make, but not anymore. I sleep better when he is not around... when on the beginning I worried & was hurt. Now I am calmer.
I still have to pull out with his big egoistic ego during a day, and I cannot count on him if it comes to me or the issues around our house...
It is different (thank God) with our kids so far. He is there to help. But he likes to have a break, some days off to fulfill his personal life outside the house and show up when it is convienient for him.

I would like us to be friendly enough for the sake of our kids, but I cannot wait to divorce this self centered and selfish person, and often wish not to see him again, pack myself and go somewhere he won't be. But that is impossible.
I try to stay calm and I do not argue with him much and I do not badmouth him either, but so often my inside screams, especially when I have to listen to his crappy talks.
I think I treat him well thinking of what he had done to us and he does not deserve that kind ofa treatment of mine. Because he does not do the same to me, he is the same egoistic person.

But as somebody said, in a different page here, after a while you start seeing  your spouse for what he really was/is and that realization set me free, I finally I wanted to get out. 
This forum helped me a lot too. Reading others going through the same pattern. Your stories opened my eyes. Importantly, I stopped blaming myself for this.

Now I am more scared for my young kids. They know nothing yet about their daddy-they are to young in my opinion. 
I am scared thinking of 50% of child custody with my GHID. 
What type of reality he will serve them in his house? Who is going to be there besides them? Is he going to keep his promise not to expose them too early to his sexuality? I often doubt he will follow his promise, because of his behaviour towards me. He told me he does not have to explain himself to me anymore- we are divorcing. 
He forgot whose fault it is and that he has kids with me. And those little lives are about to change.
My kids are whole life to me. I feel that for him they are important, but they are not his whole life apparently.
I do not trust him. 
How could I? He lied to me for years.
So my fears are more around my kids. 
I wonder if I am making correct step with agreeing to shared physical custody.
How do you deal with it? Does anybody of you is succesful with that or you wished never agreed to it.  

These fears take my sleep away.
I will miss them in those days not having them around. I will be tournament by thoughts what they are doing and  if they are treated well?
I do not care about my life without my GHID. That part of me was burried already.  But I am scared of being without my kids very badly.

Last edited by Lena (September 21, 2017 9:46 am)

 

September 20, 2017 4:26 pm  #2


Re: My Fears

Lena,

Yeah I/we hear you. My kids are a 50% thing.

All we can do is give them the most stable familiar home when they are with us. Kids thrive on knowing your the same mom/dad they always knew...even if your hurting and wreck inside...they need a familiarity.. I think my kids know that...my home is a calm relaxed place where everyone can be themself...no drama..no question who comes first.     


The 50% thing takes getting used to but everyone incuding the kids get used to it, the kids rather have a mom and and dad that are not at each others throats.    I miss them sure  but just remember no one can take your kids away.   Not sure how young they are but get the oldest a phone and you're never totally without them.

Last edited by Rob (September 20, 2017 8:00 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 21, 2017 8:40 am  #3


Re: My Fears

Lena, 

Why does it have to be 50%?  
Have you been a stay at home mom?  If so, then they are used to being with you more and the courts will likely rule to continue that. 
Are they young?  If so you can make a case that they need your nurturing and the courts will likely give you more time. 
Is your husband unstable, irresponsible, dishonest?  If you can show the courts that you have valid concerns about his ability to provide a safe and stable home then they will give you more time. 

Instead of beginning your negotiations with the idea that it should be 50/50..  I would go in with the mindset that the kids stay with you full time and he can have every other weekend.  Let him try to negotiate from that starting point.  Don't concede 50/50. 

I made a mistake in how I approached parenting time.  I assumed that the courts usually side with the mom for more time.  I assumed that since she had a work-from-home job that the courts would side with her for more time.  I just assumed from the start that I would have an every-other-weekend schedule.  I had to work really hard to get from that point up to 50/50.  I did... and I considered that a victory.   Now I wish I would have started with an assumption of me having more time and let her try to fight me from there. 

So I have 50/50 time sharing.  
I love the time I have with my kids..  all is right with the world. 
I appreciate a few days of the days in every month without them.. it lets me get caught up on housework and projects and gives me a little time to have fun on my own.  The rest of those days without them I hate.

As time goes on I've learned that the single greatest loss from the divorce is the fact that my ex has stolen 50% of the rest of my kids childhood from me.  The years your kids are in your home are the greatest treasure life has to offer.  Those years go by so fast.. and you can't get them back.  She stole half of that from me!!!   I hate her for it. 
To make matters worse.. she is a horrible influence on my kids.  Her morals and ethics are atrocious.  They are learning to lie at will.  Lord knows what she's teaching them about religion and other things I deem to be important duties of raising my kids.  I can't do anything about it while they are out of my house. I would never allow a lesbian with a history of drugs and suicidal tendencies who cheated on her husband and got divorced to be with a married woman to be around my kids..  I would never allow it..  yet my ex has moved this horrible woman into her home with her.. and there is nothing I can do about it.  It's awful.

Lena, I'm sorry.. I usually try to find ways to comfort people here..  but in this topic I can't provide you any comfort.. only stark reality. 

You are right to fear giving up 50% of your kids lives.  That is something you should fight for..  try to make it 75/25 or better.  Just having some larger share of time at your home will help.. if nothing else your kids will consider your home their primary home and their dad will be visitation and that will make a difference in their identity. 


  
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 21, 2017 10:31 am  #4


Re: My Fears

Hi Lena,

How old are your children?

Kel
 


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 21, 2017 11:18 am  #5


Re: My Fears

Kel,
They are 6 & 7.
And Phoenix, I am a working mom.
I red couple articles stating that half & half custody is the best option for children, so kids can have the same amount of time with each parent. That regardless what is happening between spouses, kids'best interest should be first and above anything, of course if the other half is a reasonable parent and shared custody is possible to manage between houses.
He is reasonable parent, and I could count on him so far regarding kids, but I question his morals, his big ego, selfishness, his needs coming first, his time off from them with no problem. He always does what he wants.
Of course he can be rough playing with them, and not as delicate like I am, but I have never feared for them because of him. We also did all those things together with our kids. I had that control. Now it is slipping away from my hands.
Obviously he was not authentic with me since he pretended to be someone else.
And that leaves questions with me. His narcistic behaviour took away his compassion. He does not see what shoes he put me in,but not just now...he was always difficult husband to get along.
I am scared of not knowing how their lives are going to look like with him. If he is going to cherish my values? I know he likes doing stuff to spite me and when I ask him to not to do something, his response is that he has different parenting opinion. But before there was no problem.
So I am happy to divorce from that side of him plus his infidelity and lies but giving up 50% with my kids is like giving up on them. But then he is their father too. It is crazy circle of thoughts for me.

Last edited by Lena (September 21, 2017 11:35 am)

     Thread Starter
 

September 21, 2017 1:41 pm  #6


Re: My Fears

JenS,

I am not staying in this marriage. We are in the process of divorcing. We have been mediating and my GHID wants shared child  custody. I shared my fears regarding that.

     Thread Starter
 

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