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September 19, 2017 9:37 am  #11


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

I know how you feel.  My husband is also my best friend.  I struggle at the thought of a life without him.  I hope we can remain friends.  So many mixed emotions.  It can confuse you and make you feel crazy.  Time will heal and hopefully show us the way.

 

September 19, 2017 11:49 am  #12


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

That struggle is so very real. I understand. I turned 50 3 weeks before he told me. We have spent over half of our lives together. I don't know what my life or future looks like without him next to me. It's terrifying and I don't scare easy.

     Thread Starter
 

September 19, 2017 12:05 pm  #13


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

Wow.  I just turned 49 and I feel exactly the same.  Suddenly my future is nothing like what I had hoped and planned for.  It's so scary.  It's sad and tragic.  I feel broken and angry pretty much every emotion but happy.  Sorry to hijack your thread just wanted to let you know you are most definitely not alone in your feelings.

 

September 19, 2017 12:10 pm  #14


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

I shared the same feelings.  My ex was my best friend.. She had been the most important person in my world for more than half my life.  My life literally revolved around her.   Our sex life had never been fulfilling, but I'd come to accept that and was just happy because we had a great friendship and a great marriage and a great family unit.  

But after she came out things changed very quickly.  She wanted to be with a woman.  She was already in love with another married woman.  She was having sex with her.  I uncovered month and months of lies made straight to my face.  I realized that she had really been lying to me for 18 years.  She had been the cause of my depression and then used that depression as an insult against me.  Her guilt started to plague her so she began deflecting that guilt onto me by inventing reasons to dislike me.  Things spiraled out of control..  Now I could never be friends with her.  She has done way too much. 

My point is..  when you are in the early stages of this struggle you are still attached and in love with the facade of that person.  Love doesn't go away quickly.. they could point a gun at you and you would still love them.  But in time you will realize how selfish they have been, how dishonest they have been.. and your love for them will die off.  

I hope you can remain civil and friendly with your spouse.. but you should prepare for the opposite in case it happens. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 20, 2017 8:15 am  #15


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

So sorry you are here St Louis Mom....

Be so so kind to yourself!  This is such a massive shock.  And your best friend has told you something that will alter your relationship going forward.  I hope he will be kind, but I remember thinking this man I'd been married to for 27 years would always be my friend and he has not been.  It was a shock, and is still.  I so wish you a smooth journey through this, but really be utterly selfish.  Do not feel you have to validate HIS feelings.  Think about how YOU feel.  Talk about what is REAL in your heart.  And no doubt there will be pain there and that is to be expected.  It took me soooo long to realize that my GIDX had prepared for our separation for many many years.  Despite our problems, I was not expecting an ending, but always hoping for a change in behaviour that never came.  I hoped he would stop showing contempt and disgust for my emotional needs in our relationship, but that never happened.  I hoped he would see with compassion how truly gut wrenching his betrayals were to me.  Sadly it was never about me.  

So I urge you to make it about your healing now.... He has 'come out' which is a brave and honest thing to do, something many here wish their spouses would have done earlier than they did.  Some never will be clear about their betrayals and what they meant, some won't admit to anything.  

But don't let that take away from your heartbreak as obviously you didn't marry a gay man on purpose.  Be kind.  Be gentle with yourself.  I wish you well.  x 

 

September 20, 2017 10:00 am  #16


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

Every time I read the title of this thread (My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay), I have the same thought: "No - your husband of 26 years just finally decided to TELL you that he's gay".  Might not seem like a big difference, I know.  But he didn't just decide he's gay.  You say that he'd been depressed for years due to him trying to hide this.  When we say that something is repressed, what we really mean is that the other person is choosing to bury it - no matter what it is.  They do not want to work through the issue - either because they fear the pain of the work itself, or the outcome of working through it (or both).  I watched my ex do this - he said he had all these issues (mostly sexual, but also abandonment issues) and PTSD from his past abuse.  Those issues affected ALL of us, EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  He'd start counseling, and then almost immediately drop it once he had a counselor confirm (yet again) that his issues stemmed from his past abuse, and the only way to the other side was through it.  And he just wasn't interested in visiting that horror all over again.  Which I got.  Who would want to re-visit something so traumatic that it's altered almost every part of your life?  If it's powerful enough to do that 30 years later, then it's some pretty awful stuff.  You don't want to go back through it - you just want it to go AWAY.  However, at some point, there should be a realization that you ARE going back through it - every.single.day.  It's got so much power over you that it's running your LIFE.  And it's so scary that you won't even confront it in order to get your life back.  Shouldn't there be a point where you get SO angry over the fact that it's pupeteering you and your family that you'd be willing to be scared for a bit to go slay that beast?  It's not going to kill you - you've already been through the real thing and lived.  You are already victorious.  Take up your sword, go fight the shadow of the beast you've already survived, and slay it forever.

The issue isn't that our spouses couldn't and wouldn't face their demons.  The problem is really that they never TOLD us about their demons - so that we could decide if we wanted to fight along side them (by supporting them emotionally).  Some past issues are very serious - like alcoholism.  It's not that an sober alcoholic isn't worthy of love. But it's an serious issue that can very easily rear its ugly head again.  And it's something that can destroy lives.  Anyone dating an alcoholic (even if now sober) absolutely NEEDS to be told that before they choose to be in a serious relationship with that person.  Same with drug abuse, a prison record, child abuse, etc.  And certainly with someone who has questioned their sexuality.  It's an issue that absolutely needs to be told to the other person in the relationship.  In a VERY honest way.  An alcoholic can't just say, "I used to drink too much every once in a while."  They need to spell it out - "I had a daily habit of getting drunk by 10 am, and functioning that way all day long.  I spent hundreds of dollars a week on alcohol.  I got into fights when I was drunk, and lost my job and my family."  As scary as it may be to admit that to someone (because you fear losing them over it), it's absolutely necessary.  You owe that to someone if you love them and want the best for them.  If they opt in, then they did so with their eyes open.  Then you owe it to them (and of course yourself) to keep slaying that dragon every day.  To keep them informed of when you're having issues and when you've been victorious.

Most of us weren't told ahead of time that this issue existed.  I know Iiiiiii wasn't.  Not one.freaking.word.  To find out later that there was lots to tell me, but he just never did was excruciating.  WHY?  Didn't he love me enough to think I deserved the truth?  Why was HE more important than ME?  Was I just a prize to him?  Something that had to be obtained at any cost - even at my own peril?  WHY didn't he love me enough to give me your truth?

By the time they tell us the truth, they've essentially decided that they're willing to lose us over it.  They've always known there was that chance.  That's why they didn't tell us - because they feared the consequences.  When they finally decide to do so, it's because it's worth it to them.  That if they MUST lose us to the truth, then they've decided that they're okay with that.  They won't like it, and it won't be optimal or easy.  BUT....... it'd be worth it.  It's why so many of them DON'T admit the truth to us - because they're not ready to face the consequences.  So they just lie continually about their truth.  That way they get to keep having what they want, even if it's all built on quicksand.

They don't decide to be gay.  They don't even decide to be honest with us.  They decide that we're finally expendable.  That of the things they love, that they love indulging in their sexual preference more than having a relationship with us.  All these years, they wanted us more than an authentic life.  That's not the case any longer.  If they can only have one, it's not us they're choosing.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (September 20, 2017 10:07 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 20, 2017 4:46 pm  #17


Re: My husband of 26 years has decided he is gay

In the beginning of my personal nightmare, 3 years ago now, I totally drank the " I just found out" koolaid. Sobbed how , despite 3 decades of marriage, he had just " discovered " it during therapy. I was so traumatized, but I think the even bigger issue was, I trusted him, and it never occurred to me that it was total horseshit. 3 years later, and many, many "ah ha" moments, I couldn't agree more. He was always a weak person to begin with, and always put himself first, for sure in front of me, even his kids. And at the bitter end, he wanted a dramatic scene about how brave and noble he was, when he was nothing but a pathetic coward all along. I no longer lose a minutes sleep over him or his drama anymore, and recently had the pleasure of telling him this during an unexpected bumping into him. SO satisfying!

 

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