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September 7, 2017 7:11 am  #21


Re: Thoughts

One of the hardest things about this was watching my then wife be completely indifferent and without compassion.    I could sob in front of her and she would look at me like what is your problem?   And (this is the kicker)..she could do the same thing to the kids!

Without empathy, remorse, or compassion..  a monster, inhuman.   Nothing in my , religion or life experience prepared me for that.
My local SSN group help me process this as they and folks here seemed the only people who have gone through and experienced this.  

I pride myself is saying I came out of this without becoming like her.  I can still give empathy and compassion to my kids, family...  here.      I am normal and not a monster like her.

Its a scary thing to experience and witness.     I fear her to this day.    If you put a gun to my head I would not take her back.  


 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

September 7, 2017 8:22 am  #22


Re: Thoughts

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Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:31 pm)

 

September 7, 2017 9:24 am  #23


Re: Thoughts

Our pain puts them in a hard spot.  I got the same from my ex.  I got a few silent hugs at first.  Actually a few hollow apologies, but I knew they weren't genuine.  Later on she told me to "man up" and "quit being a baby".  Then she started to get mean and blame me for the divorce. 

How do you offer genuine comfort to a person in devastating pain that you caused?  

To offer genuine condolence and compassion and care you would have to stop the actions that are causing the pain.  They don't want to stop, so they are just in an awkward position and conflict within themselves.  To comfort us means they are basically saying they are bad.

My point is..  don't expect them to comfort you.  Don't look to them for any compassion.  You will get one of three things..  1. very fake words.  2. no reaction at all.   3. backlash 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 7, 2017 10:01 am  #24


Re: Thoughts

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:31 pm)

 

September 7, 2017 11:46 am  #25


Re: Thoughts

Thank you to everyone for there words.  I have been physically ill for 3 days and would probably be on the path to a mental evaluation if I didnt have any validation. 

I am realizing from the posts, he cant fix anything with his words.  And you are all right there is nothing to fix it anymore.  So, I have stopped those thoughts in my mind. 

I guess I am feeling so incredibly sorry for myself right now.  I spent the day staying busy cleaning kids rooms, scrubbing, just staying out of his way.  Yet he seems so peaceful..."need any help?"  Want any lunch? 
Even muttering the words no thanks you brings tears that never stop.  And he just moves on. 
Leaving 3 hours early for work or whatever he is doing. 

I am thankful he isnt being mean to me yet.  I know it will come.  I know I need to go and get tested but, I just cant seem to do it yet.  I know I need to tell someone but, I just cant yet.  It makes it seem too real. 

I am stunned he is willing to pretend the rest of his life away.  I am crushed and devastated.

 

     Thread Starter
 

September 7, 2017 12:24 pm  #26


Re: Thoughts

Help102 wrote:

Thank you to everyone for there words.  I have been physically ill for 3 days and would probably be on the path to a mental evaluation if I didnt have any validation.  

This is completely normal.  It's OK to not be OK. This is one of the top two or three most painful experiences in life.  I've heard that losing a child is the only thing more traumatic.  So, it's normal to be physically ill.   I lost 21 pounds in 18 days.  I wasn't capable of cleaning rooms.. all i could bring myself to do is sit on the couch and watch TV.. and it had to be the home and garden network because I couldn't take anything with even an ounce of drama or suspense.  I took a few weeks off work on disability at the recommendation of my Dr and a therapist from work.  


Help102 wrote:

I am thankful he isnt being mean to me yet.  I know it will come.  I know I need to go and get tested but, I just cant seem to do it yet.  I know I need to tell someone but, I just cant yet.  It makes it seem too real. 

I am stunned he is willing to pretend the rest of his life away.  I am crushed and devastated.
 

Not every spouse turns on us and becomes mean.  But I think you are wise to be prepared for it. 

When you say "I just can't do it yet", that is just fine.  Take things a day at a time..  an hour at a time.  Be kind to yourself.  

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

September 7, 2017 12:33 pm  #27


Re: Thoughts

I typed too soon....
shortly after he left he messaged me that he went to work since I was ignoring him
When I said So, the solution is us to pretend the last week just didnt happen?  He said, NO


I just want crazier sex with you.

I responded :  So, I am to comfort myself with the thoughts of: If only I would have crazier sex with you, He would have never been seeking elsewhere.  In between the sobs, I should just calm down and breath deep thinking he would have never lied if only I would have used a strap on again.  I really should just stop the tears and have wild crazy sex and life will be blissful once again...

And he simply says:  You want to talk and then you only get more angry.  It is pointless.
 

     Thread Starter
 

September 7, 2017 2:31 pm  #28


Re: Thoughts

It might be impossible to digest right now, but eventually you'll see that them admitting to what they've done and who they are isn't necessary for you to move on.  It seems counter-intuitive right now - because you've always relied on what you thought was their honesty and support to get through your personal trials.  And this time feels no different.  But it IS.  They have caused the hurt, so just like Phoenix above says, they cannot and will not comfort you in your time of need.  Because to do that would require authentic compassion.  And if they had that for you, they'd never have done this to you in the first place.

You've also just learned that they have been actively, purposefully lying to your face for a long time now.  When we know and trust someone for a long time and we find a huge lie, we for some reason assume that when we confront them (especially with evidence), they'll tell us the truth.  Which is why hearing that they didn't do what you're accusing them of is so confusing - because you want that to be the truth!  But..... if they've taught you anything, it's that their words cannot be taken at face value any longer.  There's a big difference between a little white lie of "No, you don't look fat in those pants", and a huge WHOPPER - like being cheated on, or betraying you behind your back and then not admitting it when confronted.  And when they'll deceive you to that level, NOTHING they say can be trusted any longer.  They have gone through with the ultimate betrayal - everything else would be easy to lie about compared to what they've already lied about.  So getting them to admit the truth is not something that they're going to do.  AND at this point, you can't believe ANYthing that comes out of their mouth.  So asking for the truth is pointless - you wouldn't know the truth from a lie at this point anyway - and that's THEIR fault, not yours.

If you pretend for a moment that he'll never admit the truth to you, then you're at the next step.  What would you do then?  Imagine that - he never admits the truth to you, he lies and deceives and gas lights you just to keep his secret.  Then..... what would happen?  You'd eventually need to decide the truth based on your OWN knowledge.  On what you've seen, felt, found, etc.  You will likely wind up there eventually.  And the sooner you can ask yourself those kinds of questions, the more clear you'll get on what you want to do.  It won't be easier to actually DO what you want to do, but at least you'll know what that is and can start down THAT path vs. chasing your own tail in circles.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 7, 2017 2:40 pm  #29


Re: Thoughts

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so upset.  That's normal.  Not fun, but it's okay - it doesn't make you anything but completely human.  We have one user here who experienced her ex telling her he was gay, and she HAD already lost a child to death.  And she said it was easier to lose the child.   But only because her daughter was no longer sick or in pain - and she'd gone to a better place.  She felt peace on her daughter's behalf.  She said this sh*t was more difficult than that.  THAT is saying something.

He's actually behaving in ways very classic to examples from others here.  He's doing the gas lighting technique where he'd rather have you spin yourself in circles than admit the truth.  He's trying to show some form of compassion when you're in pain, but he can't do so authentically.  He's trying to act as though everything were normal - because that's the way he wants it to be.  He's willing to let you blame yourself for not only what he's done, but why he's done it.  He's tried to interact with you in ways that seem like an olive branch, so that life goes back to normal (can I help?  Want some lunch?).  And then finally, when you make it clear that you have nothing to say unless you two talk about this, he says that talking will not help because you just want to be angry.  He's trying to take ALL your power away!  If you show sadness, that doesn't get to him.  If you show anger, he claims that you don't actually want to talk.  EVERYthing he's doing is designed to put the ball back in his court.

You DO have choices here.  You could tell him that you're too freaking angry to look at his damned face right now, and he needs to find someone to stay with for a while.  You can't really make him do it, but you can certainly scream it at him.  Then watch his reaction.  THEN he'll get angry.  Because even you being silent and sobbing doesn't really bother him all that much - no biggie - he can deal with you feeling like shit.  But the moment you try to alter his life based on his choices, he's going to go full angry mode.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

September 7, 2017 2:52 pm  #30


Re: Thoughts

Kel,
I guess the issue is I am lost.  I want to flip the hell out on him.  The outcome will be hell on me and the kids.  So I would rather avoid being on edge as long as possible.

I realize I need to detach from him, it is easier said than done.
 

     Thread Starter
 

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