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Wed Aug 23 11:10 am  #1


Advice needed

I'm in my 40's and have been with my wife for 18 years. A few months ago I was using her phone to browse the web as mine was dead. When I opened her browser, it was in the fan layout, displaying all of the open pages. There were 4-5 pages of porn open so I decided to check it out.  When I opened each of the pages they went to the landing page of lesbian videos. Meaning she went to the site, clicked the lesbian category and opened the videos that I was looking at.  I was turned on by it and rather than confront her I decided to be subtle. I asked her to watch a few vids with me but she refused.

A few weeks later, I checked again and found new videos opened. This time, I asked to speak with her. I started the conversation by asking if she ever watches porn and she said no. I asked if she ever watches it on her phone and she said no so I opened her phone and showed her what I found. She denied that she was watching it and claimed she had no idea how it got on her phone. I told her that it really turned me on and is the same thing I enjoy watching.  I asked if she would include me of if we could watch some together once in a while, knowing she has needs too.  I told her it was normal to watch them and that I don't mind but she refused to have any knowledge of the pages she was staring at. She said she never watches it and couldn't understand how I thought she had time to watch porn let alone masterbate.  I told told her I watch the same thing almost daily. I continued trying to get her to discuss it but she wasn't budging and I knew she was lying.  I told her I would feel better if she just told me she watched it even if she didn't.

Fast forward another few weeks and I looked again.   I noticed she closed the lesbian videos so I took a deeper dive into her history and found she had still been watching the porn, found a video chat site and an adult hookup site. This made me nervous so I decided to check out spokeo and set up fake accounts on a few hookup sites.

After confronting her on everything, she got extremely angry and started to cry. She said she couldn't believe what she was hearing; how could I think these things of her; when do I think she has the time for any of it; things will never be the same; she needs to get out of here; this is the one place she felt safe and now that's gone; etc. Then she started diverting, deflecting, shifting blame and making counter acquisitions. She denied all of it. The sites I found open and the sites in her history.  Once again swearing to god she was never on them.  She wanted to leave but ended up staying; I gave her 20 minutes to cool off and picked up the conversation.

She started with, nothing will ever be the same between us; how could you think these things about me; I've never been on a porn site in my life; I don't have the time for any of the things you're accusing me of; why do you suddenly want to work on our relationship; why now; why not all of the times you hurt me; I will never be able to look at you the same way and so on. It was as if she was saying the things to me that I would have said to her if she had an affair.

I explained that there is no way for those sites to be in her history if she didn't view them and she claimed to have no understanding of what history is despite deleting earlier history. She asked if I think she's on those sites and I said they don't open theirself. She responded, so you think I'm having an affair and I said you could be.  I told her this was a chance to come clean; tell me what she's really feeling and what has happened.  She was pissed and hurt in a way that I have rarely seen and she looked me in the eyes and screamed as loud as she could,  "I am, with women".  I asked when and she said "never because I haven't".  She wouldn't discuss anything else; when I questioned her about admitting it and asked when it happened; she again said never because I lied.

I caught her going to a lunchtime message with a women she worked with a few years back; she paid for both of them. She denied that until I showed her the bank statements.

Red Flags:
Watching lesbian porn, 15 pages that were new the three times I looked- admitted but said she was embarrassed.

Hookup site - in history said it must have been accidental

Porn video chat - in history said it must have been an accidental click

Told me I was disconnected (and I was, we both were.)

Told me she had affair with women.

I told her we either go to therapy or I'm out because of the lies. She told the therapist talking about sexuality is off limits

Hid the lunch massages - said she didn't want me to get mad about her spending our money.

Told her signs all point to affair - she said, "I could accuse you of the "same thing".

If I had to average it out: sex every 4-6weeks said she never masterbates then told me about once a month. Since all of this started, our sex life has actually been the best it's ever been. She's open to trying new things and we have sex almost daily. Said she didn't have sex with me before because she didn't like the way her body looked. She has been working out and is now XS.

She was extremely defensive when I brought everything up said "things will never be the same with us. This was my safe place and now that's gone; I need to get out of here".

She claims she lied about having an affair but because she lied about the porn for 3 weeks; I'm having a hard time believing her admission was a lie.

She has apps on her phone that immediately delete messages. It was work mandated and I saw the email but it still makes me uneasy given what's been said.

The only person she talks about is her gay friend at work.

She has social anxiety and prefers the company of men over women. She says women are too catty.

She claims the dating site and video chat site must have opened from accidentally clicking an ad while on the porn pages.

She's accusing me of having an affair with my boss but I've never cheated on her, don't flirt with women and come home right after work.

Doesn't like male strip clubs, but will go to a female stop club.

I've caught her staring at women twice recently. Once at a restaurant on our anniversary; she watched this gorgeous woman walk about 50 yards and continued as she walked past us. The second was at another restaurant where she turned around, away from the table, toward the front door as she watched two walk out together.

I feel completely broken inside. We've talked a lot since all of this. None of what's been said since really adds up. I've asked multiple times if it happen, if she thinks she's bi or gay but I always get the same answer I got when I asked her about the porn...no. She claims she told me she cheated on me to hurt me. Then she claimed my accusation was so crazy that she was being sarcastic. She claims she smoked and didn't know what she was talking about when she said it. I asked why she said she cheated on me with a woman and not a man if she lied. She said it's because I accused her of watching lesbian porn; she did finally admit to the porn two weeks after the last time I asked her.  Why would a heterosexual assume I'm referring to women and why lie about porn when I told her I watched the same thing and rub one daily to it? (Told her the 1st time I found it)

She said she wants to fulfill my fantasy of a threesome but wants it to be about me.  She suggested going somewhere like the bunny ranch to avoid locals. Then said she would like to have the third go down on her and vice versa.

At this point I would feel better knowing she did cheat or may be bi than to continue thinking she did...the thoughts are agonizing compared to whatever truth is out there.

Reasons why she may not have:
She is home all the time
Doesn't do girl trips
Doesn't go out of town
She seems to like sex with me and usually has 2-5 orgasms when we have sex. (This didn't happen when we rarely had sex)
Her electronics are out and open for me to view.

When I questioned her about a post I thought was hers she almost completely lost it.

I know you can't definitively tell me if she did or didn't cheat but I have so many questions.
What is the likelihood she cheated?
Could it have been physical or emotional or both?
Why say women?
Could she be bi/gay and afraid to say?
Why lie about it?
Is this the beginning stage of coming out?
What that her way of coming out?
Is it the beginning stage of discovery?
When did she do it?
With who?
When? During work hours?
How can I help her be comfortable discussing with me?
What would you do?

 

Wed Aug 23 4:20 pm  #2


Re: Advice needed

Hi Joe - Welcome!  Let me start off by answering one of your questions about her saying she had no idea how the sites got there.  If I had a nickel, no, a penny for all the times I heard crap like that, I'd be rich.  My gay in denial ex husband's favorite one of all time was "it was a pop up".  Of course, this was before pop up blockers were invented.  But it sounds a lot like your wife's excuse that she must have accidentally clicked on it.  All BS. 

Going on lesbian porn sites, hook up sites, blurting out she had an affair and then taking it back....all huge red flags.  Regardless of what type of hook up site she was on, gay or straight, no married person should be on any hook up site, period.  Also - she's talking in circles.  Just trying to read through her explanation of why she said what she said actually made me dizzy.  It's too much. It's a common theme we see on this site - if they can confuse us then it buys them time while we try to figure out what the hell they meant.  By the time you come back to them for clarification they have a completely different rabbit hole for you to go down, such as:  no, I didn't say that I said THIS, or no no you got it all wrong, I said this but what I REALLY meant was this.   -No, just no.  Stop the insanity. 

I also think it's highly odd that she went from sex once every 4-6 weeks to sex every day.  That right there is a person with something to prove. 

You also had the question: what would you do.  Well, I can tell you what I did....I spent about four years trying to figure out what in the hell was going on.  Gay porn in the history, hidden dildos, all the same crap you're finding but on the guy side instead.  Lies, more lies, more hidden porn.  Finally I decided that whatever he was, he wasn't for me.  That was a common phrase here on this site several years ago.  As much as it sucked, I had to take the information I had at hand and just decide that this life wasn't for me.  The wondering, finding more porn, being lied to, talking in circles....I just had to separate myself from it.  I've been divorced for 4 1/2 years now.  Eventually the wondering fades.  I'll never know the "real" answer and I'm ok with that.

I'm still wondering if he's gay or bi.  But I no longer care. You'll know when you've had enough.  My main advice to you would be to set a deadline.  A year at most.  Don't be like me and let year after year go by searching for more and more proof and running in circles. 

 

Wed Aug 23 6:38 pm  #3


Re: Advice needed

Joescookie,  

Still wondering said:

I also think it's highly odd that she went from sex once every 4-6 weeks to sex every day.  That right there is a person with something to prove. 

This totally struck a cord with me.  I am still totally in the middle of it and am just starting to get any answers, but my husband has never seemed to want sex, not even on our honeymoon and as soon as I started questioning his sexuality he wants to.  (I haven't because I'm repulsed), but what she wrote is the best description of it.  Your wife (and my husband) seem to have something to prove.  My story is similar in that I am getting admissions and then he is taking it back, talking in circles, telling me he has a secret and that things are going to come out and then telling me there is no secret.  He finally told me he is indeed gay last week and then 3 days later took it back saying he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear.  That I was looking for an answer and he was finally giving me one....I know how you feel about wanting an answer.  I have been looking for that answer for quite some time, but am coming to the realization that I may not get the answer, but I need to take care of myself and all this craziness is not healthy.  I'm at the point that even if he's not gay (that he was just telling me what I want to hear (whatever)) I don't want to be with someone who is lying to me.  I am taking things one day at a time, but I am moving in the direction of getting out of this unhealthy marriage.  I deserve better.  You deserve better too.

 

Thu Aug 24 9:14 am  #4


Re: Advice needed

Still wondering: Your reply really hit home with me. Thank you! I hunk setting a timeline is a great idea and something I spent much of yesterday considering. I feel like I've been walking around in a cloud for months with no end in sight; searching forums, dating sites, swinger sites, hookup sites, porn sites, you name it and it's been completely exhausting mentally and physically. One of her big complaints is that I spent too much time on my phone at home so she asked if I could devote more time to her and less on the phone. Prior to all this, she was very edgy about everything, even in restaurants and it caused me to distance myself from her when she was in one of those moods. Her request of course has made searching that much more difficult so I have to do it during the day while also trying to work.

I think you're right about the sex too. While she seems to enjoy it; I can't help but wonder where her desire to have more sex and try new things has come from and how it went from zero to overdrive. You're right, it's like she trying to prove it.

Josie: I really thought I was the only one in the world with a spouse that admitted to an affair then took it back. I'm almost speechless because I've searched high and low on the subject. It's so absurd to admit something so damaging and then say it was a lie.  I would be upset by the infidelity but after a lot of research I know there are many struggling with this and I would still love her; but it wouldn't excuse the fact that she lied and cheated.  I know her admission was the truth because before her, while dating a girl, I cheated on her and actually did the same thing; admitted and retracted.  I'm glad your husband is giving you something; my wife acts like she never said it and won't admit to anything...which comes as no surprise given her actions in the past. I think answers will help with making a decision and gaining closure...back to the search.

     Thread Starter
 

Thu Aug 24 5:23 pm  #5


Re: Advice needed

I too have had the issue of searching and searching online for answers to an absolute obsession.  My personal therapist and our couples therapist keep advising me not to do this.  They both say it is unhealthy.  One analogy was if you knew you were sick with something or had certain symptoms, you might go online and look for answers, but eventually you'll find way more than you need to and can actually worry more.  I am having a hard time taking this advice.  I'm like an addict trying to kick a habit.  I'll go 3-4 days and not search and then spend 4 hours straight looking for something.  The not knowing is what is hard, but the answer is probably not online.  I will say there are good things about searching.  On a night that I was at one of my lowest points I searched and found myself on this site and that has been a good thing!  Just try to limit the searching and just look at the facts that you have in front of you.  Also listen to your gut.  I am finding that to be a very powerful thing!

 

Thu Aug 24 6:38 pm  #6


Re: Advice needed

good post, Josie.  I got married so young so naive, it was decades before I realised he was leading the conversations round in circles - it just never occurred to me he wouldn't be honest with me.

I found this site after one of those conversations and I knew straightaway what the problem was - he was gay in denial.

I had much less to go on than any of you on this thread but I had done the ditches, I could not bear any more of the confusing conversations - I was gonna help myself now.  I knew he was gay, I didn't need porn sites or hook ups to prove it.  I wasn't going to take myself round in circles.  I Promised myself I wouldn't second guess it, not for one nano second.  I got an admission of being Bi which was retracted two weeks later.  I got divorced.

My gut had been screaming at me to leave for simply ages if I had have known how to heed it.

 

Tue Aug 29 10:37 am  #7


Re: Advice needed

Lily,
I just now saw this post from you and it was so good for me to read today.  I had little to go on too.  I have seen no gay porn or hook up sites or anything.  My reason for finding myself here was years of passionless sex and then recently an admission to "a secret" but wouldn't tell me what it was.  My gut told me he was gay. When I finally confronted him, he denied, but 4 days later he admitted he was.  Then 3 days later took it back.  So here I am about two weeks out from him admitting it and still don't know anything for sure.  However, I asked him to move out and I have contacted an attorney so I have come a long way since the first time I posted here.  I know that if I hadn't found myself here I wouldn't have gotten to the place I am now.  The best thing I have heard is don't let years go by in this.  Life is too short.  Reading your post helps me know that I am making the right decision and to forge on.

 

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