katie62,

"..How will I find the strength to find happiness. I was happy with our little life. And he... he's taken it from me.... "

Strength is found in many places..firends, family, God, here etc.

One strength  is that 5 year old daughter who needs a parent that puts her first. Your spouse... is not putting her first.    Our kids bind us to this earth and give us purpose.   They will need us now and later in life.   Our fierce authentic love for them is greater than these spouses can comprehend  Redirect that fierce love on your daughter and self.
(your spouse can keep his attention on his body since he loves that so much).

Build your support system and walk forward.

a kind e-hug

 

Last edited by Rob (August 25, 2017 10:13 pm)

Katie,
   I don't know if you've told anyone in your day to day life but I urge you to tell someone who will be in your corner and can not only give you moral support but can help you.  I hope you will tell your parents or another relative (I was afraid to do this, but when I did, those I told were all in my corner and offered whatever help i needed).  Will your parents give you shelter?  Can they help you financially with setting up a separate account for yourself?  Do you have friends who can recommend lawyers? You are going to need a good family lawyer to help you craft a custody agreement that will protect your daughter.  Do you have access to a therapist through your insurance?  Can you tell your doctor (mine put me in touch with a therapist, covered by my insurance).  
   If your husband has gone from saying no "bottom surgery" to now wanting it, his actions are accelerating, which is a huge red flag.  I can say from experience and from reading the stories of other women on this site that the more entrenched he becomes in his new reality, the less he will think about you and the more accommodation he will expect from you.  This fixation works like an addiction: the more of it they indulge or have, the more they want, and the more it takes to satisfy them.  They are enveloped in the high of their pink fog, and they find their happiness and fulfillment in fulfilling themselves, and they feel entitled to do so, and lash out at anyone or anything that they believe stands in their way.  
  For your own protection and that of your daughter, act now to protect your finances.  Find out what's been spent, and on what.  Make sure that you separate your credit, so when he runs up huge expenses buying women's clothing, prostheses (fake breasts, fake vulva), hormones, and, ultimately, surgery, that you are not on the hook for the cost. Every dollar he spends on dress up is a dollar you don't have to care for your child, and every dollar he puts you in debt is another shovelful on the mountain of cash that "transition" will require.
   And listen to your gut.  That creeped-out feeling you get when you hear your husband's affected voice?  It's not going to go away; it's only going to get worse as he gets more deeply into this.  He has changed the terms of your marriage: you married a man, now he wants to be a woman. You are heterosexual, now he wants you to be a lesbian. The contract is null and void, and he's the one who cashed it out.  You should feel no pressure to "save your marriage"; it's already over, except for the legalities.
  I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful, wrenching, painful reality.  

Katie,
  Yes, there's still love.  I still love my husband, even though I am making plans to end the marriage.  What I've come to see, though, is that my love for him had become self-destructive, and I can't cling to a love that lets me in for continual pain.
  But yes, it hurts, and processing the pain and the hurt and the grief will take the time it takes.  What I am hoping is that the processing of that pain and hurt and grief that I've done over the last two and a half years since his disclosure will help me going forward.  I know I'm in for more, but I'm counting on the work I've done grieving my marriage while still legally and formally in it helping me through the next step of separating and divorcing.