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August 23, 2017 7:37 pm  #1


ANGRY

For a whole week I am watching him on email with guys on craigslist, begging him to stop and not act on this..in his emails he is telling them WIFE SUPPORTIVE. I told him flat out that I don't want him doing this on craigslist!! a 5 year fight with the sex sites..
Friday At 6 PM Text: Going out with a buddy for drinks.
NO COMMUNICATION he turned his phone off..
Saturday at NOON: TEXT: I got drunk and messed around with a guy.
I ignore him till Sunday then I freak out...all this time I am in total shock and speechless and then the she devil arrives..He claims they just exchanged oral sex, over the next few months total hell and I get tested at doctors, in the meantime I know dam well he went all the way..Last week he was home from work, and I said to him! I know you went all the way why do you always lie to me..he smirked and said I didn't want to hurt you anymore then I have. Okay did I just hear all this..my head was about to explode..He swears this is his first time?? I have doubts and he swore to start some sort of therapy! I sure as hell have. He hasn't done a thing.. excuse after excuse..We are finacially bound till at least next spring. FRUSTRATED..I want ot leave some days so bad!!!
 

Last edited by lily72 (August 23, 2017 7:39 pm)

 

August 23, 2017 10:14 pm  #2


Re: ANGRY

Lliy72,

Yeah..if this isn't abuse I don't know what is.. 

Seriously,  start taking small steps for yourself and kids and start detaching emotionally from him.  
Start building your support system of doctor, therapist, friends, family, priest/pastor..and (through no action or fault of your own) lawyer.

* I realize you cannot simply run out and live on the street...one must live in reality.    Start taking small steps building toward getting away from this abuse  (aka next spring)..  There is no set time frame to this.. do whatever you need to do.   In my case I stayed in the same house with my gay cheating wife until the bitter end ...even several months after we were divorced.   ...aka .. my time in hell on earth.   (I can give several tips on living like this) ..  it was hell but I gained strength and did what needed to be done.. I got to see my kids whereas if I left to get away from the abuse she would not have allowed me to see them.    

I urge you to find a safe place in your home to sleep.    Know that it is not forever...it is a season,  a valley.. but we are citizens of the gay+abusive valley..  we should not build our home there.    You cannot control him from texting and f*cking..one cannot control a spouse bent on this and hurting you.  What you can do is start taking steps for yourself and kids to get away from the abuse.   

A sincere and authentic e-hug.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 24, 2017 9:44 am  #3


Re: ANGRY

Rob makes some terrific points here.  Even though finances might be in the way, that doesn't stop you from detaching emotionally.  From here on out, treat him as your roommate and nothing more.  Don't even ask questions about his hookups because it doesn't matter.  Start working on your exit plan in the spring, work on your finances, a job (if you don't already have one), you've got a good amount of time to start getting your ducks in a row. 

The fact that he smirked when you caught him lying about having sex with men is actually pretty concerning.  In a normal person this should bring about feelings of guilt and remorse or embarrassment.  The smile to me shows a pretty sinister individual. This is not a situation that can benefit from counseling.  This is a situation that can be extended into infinity by him lying to a counselor and manipulating them to spew out some crap to make you trust him again.  You have all the proof you need.  It's time to stop looking and start moving on emotionally.  You shouldn't have to beg someone not to cheat on you.  This is just truly awful lily, I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

August 24, 2017 10:50 am  #4


Re: ANGRY

Hi Lily,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I had something similar with my ex - but only AFTER we'd decided to divorce and were just working toward financial independence.  We'd both started dating by then, but there was no reason to think that one of us would just disappear off the face of the planet and not come home for 24 hours.  I knew he'd gone out with a guy, and while that felt odd, I was over him already and was also already dating.  What felt odd is not being able to reach him - having the phone off.  At the time, his mother lived with us, and the morning that my ex never came home, she had a slip and fall in the bathroom that resulted in several broken toes.  I needed to take her to the hospital, but my kids were too young to leave at home alone yet.  And I wasn't dragging 5 of us to eh E.R.  So I called him - "Where ARE you?  Your mom's had an accident and we need to take her to the E.R.  You need to come home and either take her, or watch the kids so that I can do so.  Call me ASAP!"  No call.  For hours.  Now - it must be said that his mom wasn't in pain.  Due to some previous birth defects and surgeries, she had no feeling in her toes.  But her toes were so badly broken that they were bent at odd angles.  So it needed to be addressed.  The dude FINALLY calls, saying that he'll be home in about a half-hour.  Shows up, says hi to his mom, tells her they'll go to the hospital in a bit, but that he needs to talk to me privately first.  I was annoyed - so was she.  I go outside, where he excitedly tells me all about the new guy he's seeing - how AWESOME he is.  I remember boiling over with anger.  HOW can you think that a) I want to hear this, and b) this has ANY importance over your mom going to the E.R.?!?  I cut him off and told him that he was being selfish, and that I DON'T want to hear details of his escapades and see him more excited about a man than I'd EVER seen him about ANYTHING while he was with me.  The selfishness is truly astounding.  Narcissism at its best.

I agree with the above two posters - start getting your ducks in a row for spring.  There's lots to do - not the least of which is learning how to detach so the meantime is more tolerable.  Begin to treat him as a roommate - but..... less than one.  He's someone you know living in your home.  While he has equal rights to the rooms, see if you can't carve out a space for yourself.  Or do like I did - tell your ex to go sleep on the couch.  Take over the bedroom.  Lock the door when you're in there - to mentally protect your space.  If there's another bedroom to move into, that's even easier.  Take your stuff in there and avoid your old room altogether.  You can still cook family meals (do you have kids?), but don't consult him on what he desires to eat.  Set a place for him but that's it.  If you don't have children and have no reason to sit down together as a family to eat, then don't.  Start doing things out and away from the house.  Whether it be the library or working out or just getting away for a bit, make sure you're not just hanging around him.  Buy nothing more for the home than what is absolutely necessary.  No decorations, no improvements beyond what's necessary, no joint projects.  make NO plans with him - not going out for dinner, not attending parties together, not throwing holidays or birthdays together - nothing.  Begin acting single when it comes to such things.  If you have to have a party for something like a kid's birthday, then throw it out and away from the house.  No more warm, cozy couple spearheading events together.  Plan the entire thing yourself and let him know what time and where the event is.  Don't pressure him to show.  If he doesn't, then awesome - it's just getting used to separating.  If he does, then simply tolerate him and be cordial.

Consult a lawyer.  Gather all financial paperwork.  Look for a job.  Work on your credit rating.  Start sorting through clutter.  Start packing things that you won't need until next summer at the earliest.  Tell your friends and family what's going on.  Keep an open line of communication with your doctor.  Start counseling.  Learn relaxation techniques.  Dream about what you want your life to look like after you get a clean break.  Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself physically and emotionally.  It's actually a lot to do - it should keep you plenty busy until spring.

I know this isn't easy.  But he's making it easier on you by cheating on you, lying about your support, and making himself unavailable to you.  That last part doesn't just happen - that's very intentional to turn off a phone like that.  He's likely been sleeping with men for a long time now to be so nonchalant about it this time.  Do what's necessary to extract yourself from this toxic relationship.  Only you can save you now - he couldn't care less about anyone but himself.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 24, 2017 10:52 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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