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Fri Aug 11 3:10 pm  #51

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

When my mother left my father after 30 years of marriage, the only thing that allowed her to do so was that his mental illness had escalated to the point that he threatened to harm my sister.  She had not left when 15 years earlier he had choked HER and I had begged her to get us out of there. She could act only to protect my sister and not herself.  My best friend was able to leave her husband only when he put her and her daughters at financial risk and in legal jeopardy from a fraud scheme, althought their marriage had been a disaster for years.  In these cases, the decision was in some sense made for the women--the course of action was clear.  It wasn't that they had to decide to leave; they knew they couldn't stay.  
   In my case, it hasn't felt like that decision has been made for me by the circumstances, and deciding to leave after 35 years of marriage, gathering up the courage, letting go of the hope that maybe things might change, that my husband will come to his senses and stop wanting to be a woman, has been the hardest thing I've ever done.  My husband never said he wanted a divorce; he said he continues to love me and he wants to continue to have sex with me--but as if we were two lesbians.  That he changed the terms of the marriage by declaring a sexuality at odds with my own wasn't even enough to allow me to believe it was ok to leave him, because I still loved him.  I still had hope;  I still believed that maybe I could change myself to fit what he wanted or somehow "win him back."
    I lived in his closet for a year and half after disclosure before I found this forum; it took me months after I found it to make a call to a SSN volunteer in my town, and then to tell a friend; my name here, Out of His Closet, marked an important step for me, but it has taken another year after that first post here, two and a half years since disclosure before I could tell anyone in my family (my mother--which I did just two nights ago; she was supportive, and I didn't hold back, even on the sordid sexual details I've written about on this forum).  
    I've known for a long time that telling my mother would be the point at which the die was cast, the point of no return, because I knew that once I'd told her that my husband dresses in women's clothes, hates his male body, is sexually excited by feminizing himself, that there would be no way I could stay in the marriage.  The day after I told my mother I finally reached the point where I could bring myself to call a lawyer--which I did yesterday--but when I was told she was in court and her secretary wasn't yet in so I'd have to leave a call back number to make an appointment, I couldn't even bring myself to leave a call back number.  I was shaken when I put down the phone.  But the ice is broken, and although at onle level I still can't believe I have to do this, at another I know I have to and will. I know that I love my husband still, but I also know that it's a love that is become destructive to my health and well being, and I must separate myself from hm.
    My mother said, earlier today, you can look at this divorce as saying that you have decided the situation is not something you wish to be part of.  She's so right: I haven't wanted to be part of the situation since the day he disclosed it, but it's taken me this long to come to the point that I could act to end the marriage.  As Kel says, "I reached my end point on hope.  I realized things were never going to change."  And I can't accept that, as she says, as my life.  ​I'm choosing myself, that is, and choosing for myself. 
   But god, how long it has taken me, and how hard it has been.  I certainly couldn't have done it without the pushing, prodding, understanding, support, and stories of those on this forum.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Fri Aug 11 3:31 pm)


Fri Aug 11 3:51 pm  #52

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OOHC that is so true about telling your mum. I told my mum about my partner "wearing women's underwear" the day after I found out, just for that reason...I knew if she knew I wouldn't go back (yes I've had my slips) and I wanted a reason not to go back because I was in utter shock (not just about that but about the porn I'd found and the inevitable other interests) and I needed a sane outer voice and my mum is always utterly in my camp, thank heavens. She now knows most of it but I'm glad I did that first disclosure straight away but I was lucky I wasn't married or living together so I didn't have to deal with a marriage of many years. Good on you for making that momentous step, you did something you knew would seal it. I struggle enough with ending what I had, I am in awe of you dealing with your much longer relationship.

Last edited by Duped (Fri Aug 11 3:52 pm)


Sat Aug 12 7:35 am  #53

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

   So true--we need someone in our camp, wholly, and if we're lucky we have parents (or one of them) who will have our backs.  I've seen a number of people write in to say their in-laws abandon them even when they know the truth about the spouse--whether gay, lying, cheating--yet we straight spouses are often too embarrassed or ashamed or worried we'll be judged to tell our own parents/siblings.  
   Thanks for your congrats, too.  You're pretty awesome, too--you got out so much sooner than I've been capable of.


Sat Aug 12 7:41 am  #54

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OOHC, Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you take the next steps on your journey to your new life. So glad you have your mom walking with you.


Sat Aug 12 7:12 pm  #55

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OOHC - good for you.  so glad your mum is there for you.  wishing you all the best.  xox


Sun Aug 13 11:40 am  #56

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OMG Kel I loved your story! It gave me hope! You are a great writer..and could sell your story someday.


Sun Aug 13 4:04 pm  #57

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

OOHC good for you being able to make your decision on your future, wishing you the best going forward

Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves

Wed Aug 16 10:57 pm  #58

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

I haven't been on here for over a week.  I wasn't getting email notifications so I didn't even know all this was posted.  Thank you to all who posted here to help me.  So.....this has been an awful week.  Last week at therapy I brought up the question of my husband's sexuality.  I had told our therapist that I wanted to do this.  When I asked if he was gay he denied it.  I told him I thought him being gay was "the secret" that he has.  He said "the secret" is the opposite of that.  You should have seen the therapists face!  After therapy, standing in the parking lot my husband said yes, there is a secret, but I can't tell you.  I left in tears.  That night he acted as if nothing happened.  The next night we had an in depth discussion about everything going on in our lives.  No sex.  My worries about a "secret".  He made it sound like there was something he was hiding.  At one point as I was talking in a totally normal voice in our home he gritted his teeth and leaned into  me and said "God Dammit, keep your voice down".  He was back to thinking our house was bugged or something.  The next day he told me sorry, and still said there was something he couldn't tell me.  By Sunday he had changed his story and none of it was true.  He said issue was he is "a fraud" and that was the secret.  I went to my therapist Tuesday and she said this not an emotionally stable situation and that I needed to take action.  I decided to say to him that he is either very mentally ill or there is an actual secret and I couldn't be in this house with him anymore and feel safe.  That I needed him to leave.  I had this conversation with him and he finally admitted that he is gay.  So I guess I'm not "still wondering".  Funny thing is I have heard so many lies and untruths that I wondered if the admission to being gay was a cover for something worse.  I am that paranoid now.  I trust him that little.  In that conversation I broke down and bawled.  I said "you married me".  How could you do that.  He kind of took it back and said he's "confused", he's not sure if he's gay.....I am, however, done.  I've really been done for awhile.  I knew this was it.  I can't believe he's lied about it.  Today he said he thinks he is gay, but is still unsure.  I think he wants me to hang on to some hope, but I am done.  I don't want to stay with someone who has admitted this.  I think him saying he is confused is a way to keep me hanging on.  I think we are going to talk to our girls Friday night.  They start school tomorrow so I wanted to wait.  We are not going to say he is gay.  Just that he is moving out.  The hardest part is he wants me to keep quiet right now.  I can't talk to anyone and I so want to.  My girls had orientation at school today and I'm in a daze thinking - this is happening to me and I can't talk to anyone about it.  Crazy thing is our couples therapist called me yesterday and said that based on what we talked about last week (which was mainly that he said the secret is the opposite of what you said -gay) she wants to see him by himself this week.  He is supposed to go, but keeps saying he may cancel.  If he cancels I will go.  I don't even know what to do at this point.  I am upset and mad (my whole life seems like a lie), but I also have some empathy for him because I know it was hard to admit.  I am also a little bit grateful he had the courage to admit it (even though it hurts like hell).  It's weird that I kind of wanted this admission so I could stop questioning, but now that it is here, it hurts like hell.  He's even acting like somehow we can work this out, but I am done.  I don't want to be married to someone to be his cover/beard.  I need strength to tell him I'm done.  This was a deal breaker.

     Thread Starter

Wed Aug 16 11:17 pm  #59

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Hugs Josie. Virtual *wrap my arms around you* hugs  

I wish I had someone to confide in/rant to.....cry with xx

* Hindsight.....if only we had the foresight to see it *

Wed Aug 16 11:53 pm  #60

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....


So sorry...but I think your gut told you this was it.  I will say my gay exs behavior was erratic also.. quick to anger. Paranoid. .so TGT can make them behave quite irrationally.

If I could add perspective...he is gay. ..a straight guy does not say that as an excuse to now you know.  And you can see there are no take backs..there is nothing he can say to make it untrue now. 

Please consider if the therapy with him is helping or hurting need to take care of you and the don't need therapy with him to give you stress and more have enough of that.   Definitely go to therapy alone for yourself. 

A warm authentic hug (no secrets)..just sincere comfort and well wishes.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

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