Loubee,

Yeah the narcissism will paralyze you as you try process their behavior..It just the gay but them twisting reality to make you the bad person in the marriage. Like you did something wrong.  They will lie and hurt...without remorse. 

Its not you.  You did nothing wrong .  Just because they say something or scream something in rage does not make it true.

But you seem to be onto the narcissism.. that we can see very clearly in your description of him.  To divorce them you need to get a lawyer and have your lawyer deal with his lawyer.  There is no talking to them or reasoning with them...they operate with a different morality and logic than we do..one that is centered on them being right...ie. I'm gay but you at fault for wanting to divorce.  Its a different reality..

Its sad but with them all you can do is get away so they don't hurt you anymore. 

PS..mine would not go to therapy and when I went and came home she asked if I learned what I did wrong. Crazy.

Hi Loubee,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  To some extent, we all seem to have married gay in denial narcissists.  Being gay does not make someone a narcissist.  But marrying someone when you know deep down that you're gay but not wanting that to be true takes a special kind of selfishness.  There are plenty of individuals out there that didn't want to admit they were gay, but didn't MARRY someone of the opposite sex to hide it.  Or to take the advantages of being married to a wonderful person when they knew they couldn't be the kind of spouse that the other person deserved.  I have literally had straight men tell me (when I was out on in the dating world) that I seem like a nice woman, and they didn't want to take advantage of me.  Now,... break that down.  That means...... I INTEND to do things that the typical person would see as taking advantage of you.  But I for some reason respect you too much to do that to you.  I at the VERY least want to warn you that my intentions aren't honorable - I'm not wanting a real relationship and I won't be giving you any of the things that would make it seem that way.  So,... perfect STRANGERS could tell me that, but my HUSBAND couldn't do that much for me?  Those men didn't even love me and they were better to me (in a way) than my husband was to me.  At least they gave me the truth.  My husband didn't, because it didn't benefit HIM to do so.  It WOULD have benefited ME, but he was afraid if I knew the truth, I'd walk.  So he kept me in the dark so that he could get what HE wanted - not matter if it was unfair or hurtful to me.  THEN he brought children into that scenario.  If that isn't narcissism, what the hell would be, ya know?

My sister is currently divorcing someone who is quite possible the single biggest narcissist I have EVER known.  While we (her extended family) had no real clue how bad things had gotten for my sister, (and even my sister didn't learn the extent of her husband's double life until after she started divorcing him), we did feel that something was horribly off.  For years.  This was someone who used social media and in-person communication to become one of (if not the single most) gregarious and charming people I've ever known.  I can remember people finding out he was my brother-in-law, and acting like "YOU are X's sister-in-law?!?!  OMG - he is SO awesome!"  I remember thinking that he's absent from a ton of our family gatherings, but strangers think he's the best.  He would go online and the #blessed thing constantly.  He'd rarely spend time with his children unless he was out doing something with them - he wasn't home feeding them or putting them down for a nap or helping with homework.  He was taking them overnight to a grand city hotel, and posting pics of how awesome their daddy-daughter time in the pool was.  #My biggest blessing.  #Being a daddy rocks.  #My girls, my joy.  Etc.  All he wanted was for people to see him for who he WANTED to be.  And that was not a hard-working, authentic guy.  It was someone that everyone else wished they could be.  He completed this picture by being a bodybuilder, and going to contests for it.  He was always #training.  #Bulking up, or #Slimming down.  If people finally started to tell him ENOUGH with pics of himself in bikini swimsuits, he'd tell them about how his health is important, and if they can't support that, they can unfriend him.  Because being healthy #for his girls" was the single most important things in his life.  Eventually, everyone saw through it.  They may have said nothing.  But we knew.  We were still shocked when we learned about the depth and breadth of his lies and double life.  But we weren't surprised that HE would do something like that.  Of course he would - he needed to be a good guy to his church friends, and he needed to be a good Italian to the mob members.  He was everyone except for who he was SUPPOSED to be.  And he got his validation from everyone but who should have mattered.  In the end, he fooled no one but himself, and whatever new people are too naive to see the truth yet.

They all play head games.  They twist your words to make it look like you're horrible, and then you feel like proving to them that you're not be giving in to what they want.  You accept blame and work hard toward fixing what was never really broken in the first place.  It's like a political game where they have you looking in a different direction so they can screw up in the corner, where no one's attention is at the moment.  It's allll smoke and mirrors.  And all you can do is try to see clearly - see that their word should be taken with a grain of salt.  See that an unfeasible explanation is likely exactly that.  See that everything they do is to manage their image - which includes managing yours, too.

There is no such thing as a happy spouse of a narcissist - gay or straight.  They will take until you bleed, and then move on to greener pastures.  They will leave their kids in the dust if there's no one to impress by being with them.  They paint themselves as the victim - because it serves their purposes.  It's ALL about them.  Run fast and far.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 11, 2017 2:52 pm)