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Wed Jul 19 7:56 pm  #11

Re: Standing by/with my partner

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Ellexoh,I think you just made a giant leap:


The only leap I made was saying the words, 
to see how it felt.
I'm not ready to believe them in yet


Fri Jul 21 12:01 pm  #12

Re: Standing by/with my partner

No one's trying to convince you of anything, Ellexoh.  We have no reason to - what you do doesn't affect our lives one bit.  We're here to tell you OUR viewpoint on how WE feel about a situation such as yours.  Because we've been through it - lived through it, learned from it, have come out the other side.  Or we've at least been in your stage and now are at a different place based on similar desires in the beginning to support/stay with our spouse.  We're trying to let you benefit from our experience and learning.  But you are upset with us for giving you our opinion on your situation, even though we are survivors of the same tragedy.  You don't have to agree with us.  There is room for debate and challenging, so long as it's done with kindness.

It's almost like you're a first-time pregnant mother, going on a "Birth" board, asking other mothers for feedback on how to give birth naturally but reduce pain.  Many of us would have the opinion that you should just get the epidural and be pain-free.  But if you came here saying you wanted to be medication free but were looking for pain relief ideas, and you found that no women here had successfully had a medication-free childbirth, then it stands to reason that you'd hear a lot of, "Just get the epidural.", or "I was you - and now I'm pro epidural.  At least consider why you're wanting to go natural."  If you will ONLY accept pain relief suggestions that are medication free, then go find a medication-free childbirth board.  That's ALL they discuss.

We have no good ideas here on how to make it all work out in the end with a MOM, because that didn't work out for us when we tried it.  There are a few people here who are attempting to be in a successful MOM, but I'd doubt any of them would tell you that they have successfully arrived at such a sustained place of happiness.  There ARE, however, a LOT of us who have tried to keep our MOM intact in some way - through compromise, understanding and acceptance.  Only to have our faces blown off.  So yeah - we have an opinion on it.  Mostly because we now realize that while we were in that stage, we were bargaining out of fear.  And we wouldn't go back to that place if you paid us.  And we're hoping to save others from that pain, if we can.  To do otherwise would be like telling you that you don't NEED pain relief in labor - because there IS no pain.  What a lie and disservice it'd be for us to have said that since we don't believe it's true.

We're not here to convince you that you're wrong.  Feel free to take everything we say with a grain of salt.  But please don't act like we're negative, oppressive people for having the opinions we do.  We've lived through this nightmare already.  We have opinions born out of experience.  That doesn't mean they're more "right" than your own opinions.  But neither does it make them invalid.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Fri Aug 11 12:08 am  #13

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Kel wrote:

We're not here to convince you that you're wrong.  Feel free to take everything we say with a grain of salt.  But please don't act like we're negative, oppressive people for having the opinions we do.  We've lived through this nightmare already.  We have opinions born out of experience.  That doesn't mean they're more "right" than your own opinions.  But neither does it make them invalid.Kel

I realise a website full of strangers will have different interpretations of the words others use 
and the words "negative...oppressive.....invalid" were yours....not mine

     Thread Starter

Fri Aug 11 7:03 am  #14

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh,, (and any one visiting here seeking comfort),

Kel's like our mama bear trying to help us get off our asses.    We need to hear it... one cannot live with their head in the sand when their partner is not being loyal and true.     One takes this journey at one's own pace.    One may leave their spouse..One  may stay because of financial reasons but also because one is not ready, gathering strength or too hurt and in shock etc..    All choices are ok...there is no right or wrong for each person.  

And if you need strength or comfort  this is still a place of kind emphatic people (that wish I knew in real life)..  I think sometimes we dish out advice (myself included) when all folks need at the moment is a hug or comfort
for hurt they are in right now..  

My comfort to you is a big "I get it, I know what you are going through"  and a warm (virtual) hug.  I can feel the strong, fierce, authentic love you have..   I am proud to know you.   (wish I had met you years ago).

PS:  I'm so not some bitter and angry divorced person telling people they must leave their gay spouse.   I'm someone who went through  hurt, trauma and unfathomable events.   I feel for anyone going through this.

PPS:  And crazy as it sounds  (some people here may get it)  I will always love my ex ..yet I would not take her back if you put a gun to my head.   Reverie of our years together when I was happy I guess.
I had such absolute and fierce love for her..I would have done anything for her.   

It was never me leaving her,  it was her rejecting me.

warm hugs to all  (virutal but sincere, real and authentic)


Last edited by Rob (Fri Aug 11 7:17 am)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Fri Aug 11 7:04 am  #15

Re: Standing by/with my partner

The message from this forum is never really going to be to stay and suffer, the great thing here is that people push you to confront your situation and look for opportunities to step away and gain perspective. If visitors here are not in the place to receive and implement this then it is going to be frustrating for both parties but of course people take time to come round and people here will still be here then to help and support. We understand the resistance Ellexoh but we say leave for a reason. It is up to you either way but if you do feel any resentment to our advice then maybe you need more time to work through where you are.

Last edited by Duped (Fri Aug 11 7:05 am)


Fri Aug 11 2:30 pm  #16

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Duped wrote:

The only way through it is through it....right?  

     Thread Starter

Fri Aug 11 3:20 pm  #17

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh wrote:

Duped wrote:

The only way through it is through it....right?  

Yes but forcefully. I never wanted to lose my partner and he offered to stop everything. I forced myself to leave. And this place helped me.


Sun Aug 13 1:10 am  #18

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Ellexoh, the hardest moment of my life so far was when I realized that the fact that my husband of 23 years was gay meant that there was no way that both of our needs could be met within our marriage no mattter how much we cared about each other, how much we wanted to keep our family together, and how terrified we both were (likely me more than him as I had never wanted anything more) of life without our marriage. It has been two and a half years since that realization and two years since we sat down with our kids and told them that their dad was gay and that we were getting divorced, The early days are a bit of a blur. My mantra was "one foot in front of the other". That got me through. That, and my family and one very good friend, and, at moments, my ex. We are still friends. I continue to build healthier boundaries with him and we are slowly but surely building our separate lives with the common goal of coparenting our children and staying on good enough terms that our children never have to worry about inviting us both to special occasions in their lives.

It is a journey and it has to be your journey, no one else's. Do what you need to so that you can look yourself in the mirror.

It was hard for me to even imagine a life without my husband. I had wrapped my whole life around this man and the family we built together. I am still discovering myself as a single person outside my marriage. I still have no idea what my now blank slate of a future will look like and sometimes this still terrifies me. Being the boss of everything in my family can also be overwhelming at times. This has been my biggest struggle as I work full time and have my kids with me 99% of the time and my ex used to help a lot but has had to move away for work.  Single parenting sucks sometimes. HOWEVER, everytime I solve a new problem, ask someone for help when I really don't want to, get through an impossible day, or use YouTube to figure out a home repair, I regain a little piece of myself and I get a little bit stronger and more confident in my abilities and in the fact that I have the power to make that future whatever I decide it will be whenever and however that evolves for me.

I would never have imagined two and a half years ago that I would be happy again. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. I still miss what we had sometimes or yearn for the closeness of a partner. But It is also incredibly amazing to not have to worry about what he is looking at on phone or computer, to not have to always wonder when I am going to come across the next surprise pornography or dating profile, to not subconsciously be waiting for the next shoe to drop or for him to actually act on these feelings he has, to not feel secretly like I am not "enough", to not have to try so hard to make someone happy who just could never be totally and sustainably happy with me no matter how hard we both tried. 

Our separation has been good for my ex. He still has his moments too but he is so much less conflicted and more whole and less volatile than he was when he was pretending, even to himself, to be someone he wasn't. He has even fallen in and out of love with a man. But more importantly and very surprisingly to me at first, our separation (divorce almost finalized) has been good for me. I also feel more whole than I have in many years. I am not ready to date and don't know when or if I will be but I am enjoying trying some new hobbies, getting to know me and spending some time with my kids that would have previously been spent "working on my marriage".  And I think that it has also been good for our kids overall. A!though we tried to protect them from the tensions between us, they knew and they knew we were unhappy and they seem happier and more willing to test and be themselves secure that their parents will cope fine than they were for a long time.

I know you don't necessarily want to hear my story. Your story and journey will be different. It helped me when I was where you are to discover this forum, to realize that this bizarre situation you find yourself in happens more often than you would ever have imagined and to read the stories of people who were a little further along in their "becoming" after disclosure than I was. I guess I just wanted you to know I have been where you are and it isn't always going to hurt this much. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and, one day, you will realize that some of the weight you didn't even realize you were carrying has lifted just a little bit and things are starting to feel more manageable. You might even feel a moment of joy looking at a summer flower, or start to recognize an inner peace or confidence or happiness that you haven't felt for a long time. It will get better even if it seems to get worse for awhile. Hang in step in front of the other...and know you are not alone.


Sun Aug 13 4:38 am  #19

Re: Standing by/with my partner

Brokenheartedbuthealing wrote:

Ellexoh, the hardest moment of my life so far .


Wow Brokenhearted...that's a journey and a half. I read about the journeys, the struggles, torment,
the heartache of SS's, the ones who have gone through 'it' and come out the other side. 

I'm not at that place yet. And I know if I hurry the process....I'll end up thinking I missed something, 
forgot to try 'something'. But thank you

     Thread Starter

Mon Aug 14 1:55 pm  #20

Re: Standing by/with my partner


It's important that you go at your own pace.  If you do wind up dissolving the marriage, you want to be able to do so knowing that you've given the marriage everything you had - including enough time to heal.

It's also equally important that you look at things realistically vs. hopefully.  I know that when I was married to my gay-in-denial ex, I often told myself that I WOULD persevere in my marriage.  That it would survive because I decided it would.  And that was the truth - because he didn't want a divorce.  And my marriage COULD have survived - because I willed it to.  But realistically, I was looking at marriage as being still married on paper, and still living together.  And we had that.  There is no one definition of marriage, so I was using the default definition.  We were legally married and living together.  When I began to look at marriage as more of a partnership between the two of us, and having each others support and best interest in mind, I began to see that we'd long ago failed.  I did not have a partner who loved and desired me. We each liked certain things about the other, and tolerated each other well enough.  But there was no intimacy - physically or otherwise.  There was no partnership.  There were no common goals.  There was only a mom and a dad.  When you took the family out of the situation, we had.... nothing.  We didn't desire each other, we didn't respect each other, we didn't even want to spend time with each other.  I DID desire to be successful at marriage, but it was time for me to admit that no one but me would see my marriage as successful just because we were still legally married.  That's not successful - that's just....... semantics.  It's like saying you need a seed to grow a plant, but the seed never sprouted - or died back.  Just because you have the seed still doesn't mean there's any plant.

Go at your own pace, but keep being honest with yourself about what a marriage means to you, and about whether you're getting those things.  If it means faithfulness and you're not getting that, then you don't have what you need there.  If it means a strong desire to be with each other and to enjoy life together and you don't have those things, then be honest about that.  Most things aren't black and white - they're grey.  But you can also pretty much categorize things in one camp or the other, in general.  Be honest about what you do and don't have, and what's likely to change and what's not.  It can help you see more clearly what you will have someday, and whether that's enough to stay for.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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