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August 9, 2017 9:14 am  #1


My wife of 11 years is confused

Hi, I have been reading your comments and messages and it has given me some hope.

2 weeks ago my wife of 11 years, 3 kids 8,6and4 a house dogs everything told me that she had an affair with a woman about 5 months ago and had stopped it.

So so background, her mom had an accident when she was young and was brain damaged and died a year before we met. Her grandmother took over but she was very young at the time.

Her dad that had been living with us for years passed away from cancer 4 months ago after suffering for more than a year with chemo and mediation.

My wife has a high profile job, much better paying than me, so loads of stress as well.

My kids are quite a challenge a lot of the time and she even said she wanted to "run away" to get some free time.

I have also not been there for her and was away quite a lot for sports especially when my kids were small so I played my part, as well as I don't do well with emotions and understanding facial expressions so I am sure came across distant.

Her 1 brother is gay / bisexual her other has just had an affair as well.

She has asked for some time and space to figure things out. We have been to a marriage psychologist together, she has been to a separate one a few times since her father died but I thought it was to deal with his passing, not to express her feelings towards women.

My psychologist suggested that maybe she might be drawn to woman now with not having a mother figure and wanting that feeling. I also want to feel that she is going through a midlife crisis with everything that has happened.

There has never been problems in the bedroom, she always came and up until the last year or so we had great sex. Maybe a bit boring but I figured all couples go through these things.

Additionally she has been very off to me after telling me as though I am to blame, I have taken over a lot of the household duties to try help her with time and I feel like I owe her and my kids (I have quite enjoyed it).

Also if she pushes me away she has nobody as her mom, dad, grandparents are all dead. Her best friend and 1 brother is overseas and the other is going through his own marital issues.

Part of me thinks she is pushing me away so not to get hurt more if I had to go. Another part think it's fun and exciting for her now, but it's not real. I am real.

I don't think she is gay or lesbian maybe bisexual. I think she thinks that being with a woman is not really cheating, so it would be easier to return to me after?
So, I am hoping it's a phase or infatuation (mother issues) and a midlife crisis. Am I just kidding myself? I am not ready to give up hope.

Last edited by Just another man (August 9, 2017 9:58 am)

 

August 9, 2017 10:34 am  #2


Re: My wife of 11 years is confused

Yes, you're just kidding yourself.  I'm sorry, but NONE of what you've mentioned is a good excuse for having cheated on you.  Women do not become lesbian because they miss their mommies.  They do not push their only close support away in times of crisis - they cling to it more than ever.

Modern society has brought us to a place where we think it's completely normal to look at psychology as being complicated and mysterious.  That if someone is treating us poorly, it's because of some unmet need from their youth.  Or because they're under pressure and they cracked.  Those are excuses.  There may be reasons for why they FELT the way they did, but it's not an excuse to cheat.  Someone holding a gun to your head while they rape you is a good excuse for why you shared your body with someone else.  NOT a stressful job.

Give her the time and space she needs to figure things out.  But you'll need to put some boundaries around that.  Otherwise you may think what you are giving her is some space to sit alone, thinking.  And SHE may think you mean that it's okay to sleep with women as a way to figure out whether she's a lesbian.

The only reason you'd need to know if she's gay vs. bisexual is because if she's really truly 100% gay, then that means there's no hope for her to be attracted to you and give you what you deserve in a marriage.  Bisexual would mean that she's excited by either sex.  It doesn't mean that she needs to go out and satisfy every urge she has.  What if you told her you were "bi female" - that you liked her, AND other women.  Would it matter?  Would that give you permission to go and explore others, and that lifestyle?  No - because you're married and you already made that choice.

I'm sorry you're going through this -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 10, 2017 5:40 am  #3


Re: My wife of 11 years is confused

Thanks Kel

I am in so much pain and confusion right now. Dont know if I should just shut down and turn off everything. This sux. 

I know or rather believe time heals but dam time is going so slowly now, and trying to focus on other things like work is proving very difficult.
I am an optimist at heart and a good man. Why? why ? why?

Thanks
 

     Thread Starter
 

August 10, 2017 6:28 pm  #4


Re: My wife of 11 years is confused

It seems to ONLY happen to the nice, kind, loving, accepting, forgiving people.  Everyone else would have smelled a rat long before we did.  Or not have given their partner the benefit of the doubt.  Or their complete trust.  Or have believed in their spouse more fully than their believed their own feelings or thoughts.  NONE of us "deserve" this.  No one does.  But least of all not the people who would rather die themselves than let someone they love be harmed.  It's ALWAYS those that are the kindest and most tender-hearted that get hurt this way.  We just never saw it coming.  Because we'd NEVER do that sort of thing to someone we loved.

The fact that we've been lied to all along is all on our spouse's head, not on ours.  And make no mistake - they have known for a LONG time by the time we find out.  Even longer to have them come out and tell us.  She had the unlucky fate to wind up gay.  That didn't mean she needed to be dishonest with herself and you about it.  That's her deciding that she'd rather throw YOU under the bus than bear the weight of her own issues and just come out and face the music.  She was weak, and so she took advantage of your good qualities and used them to her benefit.  She will continue to do this unless you make it known that you won't play this game.  Even then you have no assurance that you can keep the marriage intact.  YOU can only do so much to keep the marriage - it has to be much desired by both parties for it to work.  Even then it's difficult.  It's NEVER going to work if one partner feels complacent about the other.

Time does heal all wounds.  That and some good old fashioned tenacity.  Time will not make your wife straight, though.  You need to understand that allowing her time to think is code for "try this out".  If you're not cool with your wife flirting with and having sex with others, then tell her that up front and outright.  It's her decision if she wants to respect that.  Don't keep moving your boundaries because she wants you to.  You USED to be at the same line.  She can either decide to honor that, or move on.  YOU do not have to have the line moved just because she wants it to be.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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