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- Rob
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Re: My life is ruined.
Robert,
Yeah Kel told me to get off my ass too when I was going through this.
Shes right of course.
Thing was I didn't know how to be angry or mean..I knew no other way of life. It took some time of trauma and her hurting me to say NO, I will not do this anymore.
Do things at your own pace..but don't let her warp reality and somehow make you think you're in the wrong or you have to beg her her to stop.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Robert98
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Re: My life is ruined.
Kel, your words are extremely wise and well put. Everything you said is true, all of it. She called me last night with some more details. Details that tore me apart just a bit more. She said the reason that she couldn't tell me that she wanted to stay together and work on us when I asked her the day before is because she knew there was more she had to tell me and she couldn't move forward without putting everything on the table. Now that she has told me every detail (supposedly) and answered every question I have asked, we feel that we can move forward with a clean slate.
She had time to think and says that what we have; relationship, kids, everything, is worth way more than her being able to act on her attraction. So, we are going to move in the direction of making it work. I totally understand if this appears hopeless to you and you think I am a fool for putting myself in this position again. But at this point I have made up my mind and advice would be a more appreciated thing. She feels that now she came so close to losing what she has, that her attraction is manageable and is going to pursue counseling to explore how to channel or handle for lack of better terms, her feelings.
I am hoping for the best and paying close attention to see that what she says and how she acts are lining up. If anyone has any further insight, please chime in. The fact remains that I have 5 months left overseas and what I can do about the situation at this point is minimal at best. All we can do is communicate and we are trying to do that as effectively as possible.
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Thread Starter- phoenix
- Administrator
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Re: My life is ruined.
Robert,
I hoped and prayed so hard that my ex would make that decision. I wanted so badly to keep her and to keep my family together. I hope she can do what she says and deny herself that attraction. I wish you the best . Stay safe and thanks so much for your service!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Robert98
- Member
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Re: My life is ruined.
Thanks Phoenix. I am not even asking her to deny the attraction, I don't want to "fix" her. I know it isn't going to go away. Perhaps the intensity of the feelings will decrease a bit over time as reality settles back in but that's the most I can really see happening. All I ask for from her is honesty and faithfulness, if she can do that we can make progress.
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Thread Starter- Kel
- Member
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Re: My life is ruined.
Robert,
I totally understand your desire to move forward with a clean slate and save this marriage. Of course you do! You have built a life together - you have a marriage, a home, children. Those things were hard won, and worth fighting for. You're not a fool. You are a man in love who wants to keep what makes him happy.
My advice would be to trust your gut. You are not home where you can see all of what's going on, but your gut is attuned to the small nuances in her voice and whether reasons and explanations seems plausible. Your wife has done much to destroy your trust. She should need to earn it back by being blameless in her actions. You will need to set boundaries for her to respect - that she cannot speak to anyone - either real people that she knows, or online - in a manner that is in any way inappropriate. That means no talk about her sexual desires, no discussion about sex or, lust, no sharing pictures, no doing ANYthing that she wouldn't want you doing with another person. It means no contact with the person she cheated on you with. It means staying off of lesbian forums and all dating sites. It means putting safeguards in place to help aid her in staying away from things that only hold destruction for your marriage. You may think that in order to move forward, you need to trust her 100% and not question anything she's doing. But the fact is that you're battling your way back from a place of her betraying you. And she SHOULD be willing to prove that she wants to do what it takes to earn your trust back and show you that she is going to be good to you. You are not in a place where you need to worry about doing that for her - you have BEEN doing that. Trusting someone does NOT mean that you unflinchingly believe everything you're being told, despite the evidence. It means that you believe you are safe to move forward because you have hope that this person's intentions are honorable and genuine. Keep your eyes, ears and mind open to seeing truth. Your heart already has all the love for her that it needs. Let your mind lead for a change. If things are meant to be and she is truthful and honorable and genuine, then you will feel those things. She should be pouring herself into the relationship - doing things to show you how much she wants this. It should not just be the absence of the hurtful, damaging actions. That's NOT enough. You should feel loved, desired, respected, supported, and missed desperately. You cannot manufacture these things on her behalf. Be who you should be to her, and watch expectantly for her to do the same.
Keep coming here. Be honest with yourself. Stand for nothing less than what you deserve, Robert.
All the best -
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Daryl
- Member
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Re: My life is ruined.
None of us lose a potential attraction to others but we choose not to act on it. We value our existing relationship above that. The same-sex-attraction aspect adds an extra level of complexity as it offers something your existing relationship does not. Some cannot resist or do so at great internal cost. If your spouse is fully committed to your marriage and completely open, you may have a chance. Until you get back home all you can do is keep the communication flowing. After that you can better work on rebuilding the relationship, maybe do a bit of couples counseling and so on. I wish you success. Please keep in touch.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer