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August 8, 2017 3:34 am  #1


My life is ruined.

Hey everyone, some of you might remember a post from me a few months ago. I deleted it in hopes that I wouldn't have to return to that part of my life. Basically, I discovered my wife's SSA through a threesome that we had had. She reassured me she wanted things between us to stay the same and that she wont act on her attraction. That was about 2 months ago. Ive been struggling myself with feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, depression, etc. I had been talking to a counselor online and had been improving on some of those things. I am currently deployed overseas which adds to the mix. I have been here about 3 weeks. This morning a picture from my wife's phone showed up in my pictures, I guess some of our pictures are linked through the cloud. It was a screenshot of a conversation between her and her friend basically confessing their love for each other physically and emotionally. I immediately call her and tell her to explain. Apparently this affair has been going on for at least a month, so before I left to come over here. I am absolutely destroyed.

Any time I have questioned anything she made me feel ridiculous for asking. Every time I convinced myself that nothing was going on or no, she would never do that, I was right with my initial feelings. She tells me everything on the phone, says how much she loves me and misses me and doesn't want this to end. I cant even stomach what is going on, it doesn't seem real. We have so much together and unfortunately it has to end. I cant think of any reasonable outcome, not with all the times I have asked her a point blank question and she has so easily lied to my face. I want it to work more than anything but it is just too far gone at this point. I will never be able to trust her again. To make this even more of a messed up story is that her friends husband is deployed too! I never could have imagined my wife doing something like this. I thought i knew her so well, everything has been a lie. 8 years of a perfect marriage, knowing each other since we were kids and me giving her my all. Now we have two young daughters caught in the cross fire and I have no idea where to go from here. I cant imagine myself without her, I am still obsessed with her, I have no idea what to do.

 

August 8, 2017 3:36 am  #2


Re: My life is ruined.

I guess I didn't delete the original post. Here is the link if it gives you a better idea of our situation.

http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=8720#p8720

     Thread Starter
 

August 8, 2017 7:02 am  #3


Re: My life is ruined.

Robert98,

"..knowing each other since we were kids and me giving her my all.'

Its hard.. I knew my now ex since college and decades later it seems our years together and friendship counted for nothing.    On top of  TGT their actions where they discard us,  throw away loyalty and friendship..when they hurt us..  it's really more than we can bear...like a  horrible movie .    While I was not deployed overseas  I worked and she stayed home with the kids...I actually changed jobs enough so I had no travel and she never had to feel I went away and left here alone.. I was home by 5,6,7 everyday.

If makes you feel any better...my being home whenever needed didn't help or prevent this.   She would scream how I was never home as the reason she wanted a divorce..never that she was cheating with a woman..    I look back now and see it all as lies..her as insatiable ..  ie... you didnt make it home by 7pm today so its ok that I'm cheating with a woman.      

I urge you first not to beat yourself up...  this is not your fault ..you did nothing wrong..  if you were not deployed and home all the time you probably could not have prevented this...   This is our spouses choosing an immoral decision and then justifying it... it could be as simple as " they wanted to be happy" 
But I can assure you if my spouse had been deployed/away and my buddy came over for a beer I would not be attracted to him and cheat on my wife..not if you put a gun to my head.     No, this is all your spouse choosing...choosing poorly regardless of the hurt to you.

You need to take small steps..start building a support system..whatever resources you have.     You need to get help and build strength ...for you and more importantly for your kids.    A disloyal spouse is not thinking about the kids...is not putting them first.   their morality is flawed...they may say they are (ie.. Im the good parent home with them all the time )  but they are not.    Your kids will need a strong fierce dad that puts them first.    Do what needs to be done.   Know that any hell is not forever.

Courage, strength, faith.      

Last edited by Rob (August 8, 2017 7:03 am)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 8, 2017 9:27 am  #4


Re: My life is ruined.

Hi Robert,  Welcome back. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  The emotions you are feeling are so familiar to me..   "I thought I knew this person", "how could she do this to me?", "How could she lie straight to my face over and over?"   
The truth is that she is being selfish and will do whatever she wants to make herself feel good at this point.  She has likely hidden her sexuality for many years and that's a big part of a who a person is, so now that she is letting it out and embracing it she is going through a phase much like a teen..  So expect her to keep acting like a selfish child.  

Like Rob said..  This is not your fault..  you've done nothing wrong.  None of your actions made her a lesbian.  You might think that allowing the 3-some let her out of the closet and that was a mistake on your part..  What you will see later is that it would have happened anyway and it might as well have happened sooner rather than later.  

You are a great husband and father and you will come through this struggle stronger and better for it.  But it's going to be a hard road. 

I'm concerned about your mental state.  I don't know what assignment you have while deployed, if you are in actively hostile situations or not..  but I know that you have a job that requires sound mental health.  What I remember from myself when i went through this is that I was not.  I thought I was ok..  but looking back on it..  I was just not OK.   I needed time off work to process things and fight through the anguish.   I would strongly recommend that you speak to someone in authority and then a Dr. and decide if the stress/shock/depression you are going through is safe for you to continue in your current role.  My hope is they would find a way to rotate you back home to deal with life for a while.   But I don't know the military.. 

Regardless..  know that we are here for you. 

Your life is not ruined.  It's just going to move in a different direction than you expected.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2017 9:42 am  #5


Re: My life is ruined.

Hi Robert,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  While most of us just want to get away from our spouse when we find out what's been done to us, I'd imagine that being deployed during your marriage crisis is equally as stressful.  You feel like you can't work on the issue from so far away, and you're not sure what you're supposed to do next.  The only advice I can give you there is to still try to stay in touch with the kids, no matter what you decide to do about communication with your wife.

I'm sure your mind is reeling.  It is so confusing trying to put who you thought you knew together with the person who is now doing these things to you.  It can't be the same person that you knew - because that person would never have done these things to you.  And so then you try to figure out when they changed, and how you didn't notice.  It makes you feel like a fool.  But please don't let yourself wander down that road - you have nothing to be ashamed of.  You did nothing wrong here.  You loved and supported her in every way you knew how - even when the ways she wanted were counter-intuitive to what you thought.  You gave her everything you had to give, and everything she asked for.  And she STILL lied to you and was unfaithful to you and maintains that she wants things to remain status quo.  That's not how it works.  You don't get to fall in love with someone else and profess love to them, and lie to your spouse, and then have things remain the same when your spouse finds out.  It's a given.  She has no right to expect anything but your anger.

Your life is not over.  I think we all think that in the beginning.  Your life will be different than you imagined it being.  Maybe even better.  But it's not over.  Please don't let yourself think that way.  It feels that way, but that's not the truth.

If you feel like you can't do your job with a clear head, go speak to the doctor and get help.  You need to take care of yourself right now.

All the best -

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 8, 2017 10:50 am  #6


Re: My life is ruined.

Great words Kel!   So well said. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

August 8, 2017 10:06 pm  #7


Re: My life is ruined.

There is a lot of good advice here Robert, I hope that what others have written helps you.  I just want to reiterate that this is not your fault, that you didn't cause it and you didn't deserve it.  It took me a long time to accept those facts about my situation, because I am a man of honor and I didn't get married to see it fail.  Like you, I was married eight years.  I am nearly two years post initial disclosure and nearly four months post divorce.  It is starting to get better and I know it will only continue to get better.  You have a long road ahead of you so know that.  Do what you can, but don't try to do too much at once.  My heart goes out to you, keep posting here so that we can continue to encourage you. 

 

August 9, 2017 2:51 am  #8


Re: My life is ruined.

Thanks a lot everyone. Kel, you hit the nail on the head with prettt much everything you said. About the message I saw between her and her friend, it makes a bit more sense now that I am thinking rationally. It was basically them acknowledging what they had but that this was the end, that neither of them could continue to do it. While this doesn't lessen the pain or make what she did any less wrong, it does give a spark of hope. Although I am fully aware that I may very well get destroyed once again, I have told her I am committed to working through it if that's what she wants. She doesn't want to lose what we have and neither do I. I laid it all on the table and am waiting for her decision. Even if it ends up being the end, at least I know I have done everything I could and have exhausted my resources.

     Thread Starter
 

August 9, 2017 10:08 am  #9


Re: My life is ruined.

Hi again, Robert -

Buddy, pull up a chair and sit for a moment - I have some preaching to do.  Robert, you have GOT to stop letting her have the reigns here.  I understand you wanting her to truly think about a decision, so that it's not rashly made or a knee-jerk reaction to fear of change.  Totally get that.  However,...... it is YOU who has the big decision to make.  SHE should be at home biting her nails right now, waiting on YOUR decision.  You may see it as you having never wanted anyone or anything but her and the success of this marriage, and that still being true, so of COURSE you're on board.  Makes sense when you think about it that way.  You want her to see you as the rock she can cling to in her confusion and challenge - the man who will be right where she knew she could find you.  You are being the upstanding man that every smart, healthy woman wants.  But we women KNOW that we can only have that in a man if we respect him, love him, support him and stay faithful to him.  It's the price of a good man.  It's not being able to cook, or clean, or being great in bed.  Those are extras.  Faithful is the number ONE thing we have to do to keep a committed, good man.  If we aren't doing that, we cannot and will not expect you to stay and continue being that man to us.  If we do, it means that we're either delusional (maybe because we saw our daddy stay with our momma after she cheated on him), or because we're entitled.  And if we're entitled, it's because YOU keeping giving us what we want - even when we don't deserve it.  That's like encouragement to do whatever we want - because you're a sure thing.  You're soooooo in love with us that we don't have to do a damned thing but smile your way every once in a while, and you'll give us your paycheck, protection, and dedication.  That's BULLSHIT, Robert.  And you know it.  You deserve more.  Every good, faithful, honest, hard-working man does.

You have BEEN that man to her all along, Robert.  And now you're waiting on HER to decide if that's what she wants to continue having?!?  If she doesn't know that answer off the top of her head and blurt out the "Yes!" before you can even finish asking her, then you two are not in the right alignment right now.  You are literally reinforcing that she can lie to you, deceive you, manipulate you, cheat on you, and when you find out, you will continue with the same kindness, love and good will toward her that you always have.  So,.... what's she got to lose by telling you one thing and doing another?  NOTHING.  You will have taught her that there are no consequences to SERIOUS misbehavior on her part toward you.  SHE is in charge, and she can do whatever she wants, and although you may be upset and sad, nothing else is going to happen.  No making her feel like she's lost you, or sitting there with the weight of that, TRULY deciding if that matters to her or not.  She cheated on you, and now YOU get to wait on HER decision.

I hate playing games.  I'm all for being honest, truthful and up front about your feelings and desires.  But sometimes, that's like trying to sow seed, and having it all blow away in the wind.  You can want to do something good, but the conditions aren't right for it to work.  Wait for the right conditions.  Try to step back a bit and stop chasing her when it's YOU who should be being chased right now.  Know your worth and insist that the benefits of being with you come at a cost.  Because they should.  If it's not reciprocal, it's NOTHING, Robert.  It's casting pearls before swine, as the Bible says.  It's a waste.

PLEASE get angry already.  It's not time for sadness and mending yet.  It's time to be angry and upset and disgusted that anyone - especially someone who loves you and has dedicated their faithfulness to you - has treated you this poorly.  It's okay to be raging angry, and highly insulted that she thought you were this gullible and disposable.  You are not nothing, Robert.  You would never recommend that any of your friends sit on their hands and wait on a woman who has done things such as this to them.  You'd tell them that's bullshit.  You are a freakin' WARRIOR, Robert.  Give her a bit of shock and awe already.

All the best -

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 9, 2017 10:12 am)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 9, 2017 1:42 pm  #10


Re: My life is ruined.

Dammit. Why do you have to be so good with words?

     Thread Starter
 

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