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August 4, 2017 12:59 pm  #1


Feeling sad and lonely

Hello everyone
​I am new to this forum and quite anxious as well. I am not sure how I feel about sharing those feelings I have  but I feel my situation is consuming me from inside. About a year and a half ago my husband told me he is bisexual. It was a bit of a shock but I kind of felt that something is wrong since recently he did not wanted to be intimate with me. I was trying to be supportive and be with him as he is truly good person but it seems lately that is becoming too much. I feel like I got to some turning point and I am so scared. On one hand I love him so much but on the other he hurt me. I know is not his fault the way he is and that his very religious family made him push those feelings away but still...this is my life now as well...a nightmare. there is no day when I do not think what will happen to us. We have been together for 12 years, we have two children and now this. All dreams and plans crushed. He is afraid that I will leave him but how to do that? Kids adore him and one of my sons is so sensitive.. I fear for him so much. But is that mean I need to be now unhappy? He is not so sure anymore weather he is bi or gay. Two days ago I had my episode of being in tears (and is sad that is getting worse with me) he came home from work we talked and I have asked him if he still feel I am attractive. he said no. He said he do not feel that way towards me anymore. this just broke my heart. How we should fix it. He said he loves me and that he wants to be with me but isn't it selfish of him? so he wants to keep his life but not giving me feeling of being beautiful and loved. Living like flatmates and friends. I do not know what to do. I do not want to expose my children for gossiping neither myself. I feel lonely and shamed.
​Thank you for letting me sharing my sad story.. 

 

August 4, 2017 1:39 pm  #2


Re: Feeling sad and lonely

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 3:25 pm)

 

August 4, 2017 2:52 pm  #3


Re: Feeling sad and lonely

I agree with Duped.  They tell you for a reason - and it's usually because they've already acted on their desires, and they're hoping that telling you will either force your hand to allow them to continue doing so, or help ease the breakup they see as coming.  There is no reason to tell you otherwise.

And it doesn't matter if he's bi vs. gay; if he's bi, then that means he finds both men and women attractive.  It doesn't mean he gets to cheat because he now admits that he likes men, too.  So what - if you suddenly liked men of a different color than the one your husband is, would that entitle you to having his permission to sleep with them, too?  No, it would not.  He committed to you.  If he doesn't intend to stay faithful, then the marriage cannot be saved.  Honestly, if he's saying that he doesn't find you attractive, then it's already past that point.

Him being gay isn't his fault.  Him having a religious, unaccepting family isn't his fault.  He didn't have come out openly as gay unless he wanted to.  What he SHOULDN'T have done, however, was to marry a woman when he knew he wasn't straight - and not tell her that was an issue.  He kept you in the dark when you had every reason to need to know.  He had an obligation to not visit this pain upon an unsuspecting spouse, and he didn't honor that necessity.  It doesn't matter if he was abused or not.  He had an obligation to NOT marry a woman if he wasn't straight - certainly not without telling you and letting YOU decide if you were okay with that.  He KNOWS that, hon.  But he will let let you not know that he knows it.  He's hoping that you won't figure that out - because if and when you do, you'll be able to hold him accountable for his actions.  Which is NOT what he wants.  He'd rather play the victim here, and have you held in the regard of a casualty of his war.  But that's not the case.  He is the victime of his OWN choices.  YOU are the victim, because you didn't have the knowledge you needed to make a decision otherwise.

If you stay with him, what's in it for you?  And what's in it for him?  Take the kids out of the equation for a single moment.  Examine whether the marriage can survive and be a happy one under the current situation.  If the answer is no, then having kids doesn't change that.  It just complicates divorcing.  You may want to stay together for the kids' sake - we all get that.  But then you would be doing so with the knowledge that you will NOT have a healthy, happy marriage.  And your marriage is your kids' blueprint for what they should look for and accept someday for their own marriages.  Is that what you want?

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 4, 2017 2:55 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

August 4, 2017 5:03 pm  #4


Re: Feeling sad and lonely

trishijan,

You seem to feel ashamed about him?   This is not your your shame to bear..You did nothing wrong. 

The kids will not "lose" their dad if you leave him... he will always be their dad...  It will just be in two houses instead of one.

Dreams and plans change..its an adventure..a lousy one for some time but don't let him define everything..
there is still some self love and some ourselves left inside us that these spouses did not get.  They did not take our souls.   

Try to have self compassion and not concern for him..    We all get sad..they inflicted sadness on us.,
Loneliness .yeah...  but if I look back I felt some loneliness when married but couldnt quite put my finger on it.    
Start building your support system.   Start take small steps each day.   

Last edited by Rob (August 4, 2017 5:04 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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