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August 1, 2017 10:33 pm  #11


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

Thank you.  I can tell you guys have done hellish internal work and your generosity in sharing it is a gift.

 

August 2, 2017 3:10 pm  #12


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

Please let me know if I should post this in another area of the forum as well.

Did anyone ever get told that their partner was cheating with the same sex because they were trying to meet a need and thought it would hurt you less?

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2017 3:55 pm  #13


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

Not me personally but the MO is always the same:  lie, redirect, lie.  If you break down their excuses you see they are nothing more than made up excuses.  For example, taking his own sentence:

what was his need?  sex? 
How on earth would it NOT hurt you?
Has he explained what that "need" is?

I feel like I need an "if then" flow chart   If his need was sex then why not get it from you?  If it was sex with someone new then how on earth would it not hurt you be it male or female? 

Start paying attention to the excuses.  None of them will make any sense when you really look into them.

 

August 2, 2017 4:07 pm  #14


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

Good to know about the MO-flow chart had me laughing.  I absolutely don't accept the reasoning and am flabbergasted someone could just be ok with that behavior.

     Thread Starter
 

August 2, 2017 4:18 pm  #15


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

kamz7 wrote:

Did anyone ever get told that their partner was cheating with the same sex because they were trying to meet a need and thought it would hurt you less?

 

Yes....and thought doing the texting...Craigslist....secret email account.....was a way to "not upset/hurt" me
 


KIA KAHA                       
 

August 2, 2017 4:39 pm  #16


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

I.e.-having an affair(s) would not hurt you??

     Thread Starter
 

August 3, 2017 3:25 pm  #17


Re: First Time Here: Need Support

kamz,

They all say such things -
"I didn't feel that being with someone of the same sex would be cheating."
"I thought it would hurt you less than if I cheated with someone of the opposite sex."
"It was just sex - just physical.  It's YOU who I love."
"I was abused as a child.  I was just trying to process that."
"I was just trying to understand my feelings - I couldn't come to you and tell you I was gay if I didn't even know I was for sure going to like sex with someone of the same sex."
"I'm not GAY - I'm.... bi-sexual.  I like both men AND women.  Well,... ONE woman - only you, baby."
"I don't have feelings towards any of the other men - I only have feelings for you."
"I could never have a true relationship with a man.  It's only sex that I desire from them."

You know what all of these are?  EXCUSES.  It's alllll complete bullshit.  They KNEW they were cheating.  It doesn't matter if it's "just sex", or that they can't see themselves having a true relationship with someone of the same sex.  What's THAT got to do with the fact that they've cheated?  Nothing.  NONE of it's got anything to do with the fact that they've cheated.  They're hoping that you trust THEM more than yourSELF.  That they can tell you something and you'll be dumb enough to believe it - because that works best for them.  They'll even say the words, "Why don't you TRUST me???"  BECAUSE YOU JUST CHEATED ON ME, you sack of lying crap.  THAT'S why.

Sorry - I just get so freaking tired of them making excuses and thinking that we're idiots enough to believe it.  Would you EVER expect someone to believe those lies it YOU told them?  No, you wouldn't.  Never give someone else more leeway than you give even yourself.  If you wouldn't expect to be believed, then it's not to be believed.

And screw the bi-sexual thing.  That would mean that they are attracted to both sexes, and choose someone for their personality.  It doesn't mean that they have to HAVE both.  I like men that are black, white and brown.  That means that I have lots of choices - more than most people.  I can just cut right to the personality.  It DOESN'T mean that I can now go to my black husband and say, "I still like white guys, too.  And I don't have that right now.  I think I need to freaking explore that, too."  Huh?  No.  No you don't.  That's ludicrous.  Its a freaking lie.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

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