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1 of 1- jcan
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Wife says she is bisexual - Looking for advice
Six weeks ago my wife told me that she thinks she is gay and at the very least, is bisexual. We have been happily married for 5 years and have a beautiful 2-year-old girl. Needless to say, this has left me heartbroken and confused.
When we were dating, we had a healthy sexual relationship. After we got married, her desire for sex slowed down gradually and since our daughter was born, I practically have to beg for sex. She is never in the mood and always has some sort of excuse as to why she doesn't want to be intimate. She stands by that she is bisexual, but I can’t help but feel she is actually gay.
At this point, she says she wants to stay together, but has also expressed concern of never getting to explore her female attractions. Looking for someone to talk to, she told her parents about our issues and they shared that they are swingers and recommended that we try out the “lifestyle”. I’m not okay with my wife being with another man, and my wife says she doesn’t want to be with another man anyways. She keeps mentioning having a three-way with another girl, but I am scared that it would just be the next step in our relationship ending. She says it could be good for our sex life, but I only see it being good for her sex life. If she doesn’t want to have sex with me in the first place, how would having another girl there change that???
My fear is that she is having attraction toward women she randomly meets, but they have not been for someone she is close to. I am terrified that it is only a matter of time before she meets someone she connects with and leaves me.
I’m looking for advice from people who have gone through a similar situation. My wife isn’t the kind to forgo things she wants, so I can’t imagine our current situation staying the way it is now. I will either need to open up our relationship or leave. I would love some other options.... Feeling very hurt and scared.
- Daryl
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Re: Wife says she is bisexual - Looking for advice
jcan, your concerns are very valid. Although some people might be able to manage open relationships, I wouldn't be able to. A few people here have looked into that and have links to resources. Stay or Go is about all there is to it in my opinion but, in either case, on what terms? Assuming you signed up for total monogamy, allowing her to be 'not so much' is going to tear at you. Your fear of what happens when "Ms. Right" comes along matches what others here have gone through. The alternative, she more or less unwillingly commits, will tear at her if she would rather explore. Couples counseling might be a good option. Believe it or not, it might be good fortune that this comes up before infidelity gets a chance to appear. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. Hang tight, there is a wealth of advice here.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Rob
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Re: Wife says she is bisexual - Looking for advice
Jcan,
Hurt and scared yes.
You need to build a support system for yourself of friends family doctor lawyer therapist.. your daughter will need a strong dad that puts her first.
Wishing you Strength and faith for this season in your life.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Solost
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Re: Wife says she is bisexual - Looking for advice
Just found out that my husband is also bisexual... Sounds like you and I are in very similar situations. I'm sorry and *hugs*.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. 
- Kel
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Re: Wife says she is bisexual - Looking for advice
jcan,
A sad welcome to the place none of us ever wants to have to be.
The biggest piece of advice I have to give you is that you are already likely past the point of no return. I hate to say that - I really do. But let's look at the evidence - she doesn't want to be intimate with you. She wants to "explore" her sexuality (which should just read as "I really want to have sex with other people - people who are women."). You are correct in that you adding another female into the mix will not improve your sex life. Well,... maybe it will - for like,.... a few weeks (or a few episodes). From everyone else's story I've read here and elsewhere, what happens next is that your wife will pay MUCH more attention to the other woman in bed than to you. You will have her cheating burned into your mind - exactly how little she wanted you and proved it right in front of you. Then she'll move on to wanting to hang out with the other woman. You already added this woman to your sex life, so obviously you don't have a problem with her, right? Great - than what harm is it going to be to have your wife go have sex with her alone, too? And off she goes. You sit at home, watching your daughter, obsessing over what she's doing at this exact moment, and how it's making her feel. And how it's making you feel, which is miserable. Then she comes home and either shares a ton of stuff with glee to a level you've never seen before, or she won't share much - because that's another whole relationship. Neither scenario is good. Both break your heart.
She's happy then. She gets to go f*ck women, and she has a babysitter. And someone that loves and supports her to come home to. A happy little family for whenever she's not having sex with her girlfriend. If they break up, she'll come back and tell you that she's gotten it out of her system and now she's ready to commit. Then she'll meet someone else that she can't resist. This merry-go-round will go 'round and 'round until YOU get off of it, or until she runs off into the wild blue yonder with her girlfriend for good.
If she wants to stay married to you, then she needs to understand that you're not cool with her sleeping with ANYone else - she didn't vow to forsake all other MEN - it was forsake all others. You're her one and only lover. If she's not cool with that, and she's not cool with getting the intimacy within the marriage to a healthy level, then you don't have all of her, dear. And sticking around won't make it more so.
By the time they tell us that they need to be with other people, they've already crossed some invisible line we never even knew was there.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.