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1 of 1- GardenGnome
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Two steps forward, five steps back.
Copied from another post.
Back in mid May, I told my mom about our situation and my desire to divorce my husband. She was shocked at first but understanding. I then told my sisters at the beginning of June and it was the same with them. We are making plans for my mom and I(with my kids) to move back to our home state, where my sisters live, and buy a house or duplex together. My sisters wanted us to do this immediately which caused me to have several days of severe anxiety since they wanted me to move faster than I was ready. That got cleared up and my mom and I are moving at a pace suited to us.
I traded in a bunch of unused electronics to Amazon and bought a jogging stroller and jogging clothes. So, the last month and a half I have gone fast walking while pushing my 4 yo in the stroller. My daughters ride their bikes and my oldest son jogs on this 2.5 mile path around a city park lake. It has been good to get out any really use my muscles. I've wanted to do this for a long time and my husband never allowed me the money to get a jogging stroller. So, I made it happen myself. He was mad at first but I told he could get mad at me if he could find which account the money came from. Since it was all Amazon credit, he couldn't and settled down about it.
Towards the end of June I moved out of our bedroom and into my own. The preceding month he had made several comments about how we sleep better apart. Since he is a passive aggressive person I figured this was his way of telling me he wanted us to sleep apart. The day of the room switching he became somewhat mad and I looked at him and said "Why are you getting mad? This is what you wanted. So I don't understand why you are getting mad?". He gave me this dumbfounded look and just walked out of the room. A few minutes later I needed help with my daughter's bed frame and asked him for help. He helped me and our day carried on like normal. There was this extremely minuscule part of me that was sad that he didn't fight for me to stay in the marriage bed. But mostly I am happy to have my own room and bed. It is free of tension and anger and it is my own.
Now for the five steps back. Our 13 yo son has mental health disorders. Mostly it was manageable in his younger years. Since puberty started ramping up a couple of years ago, his issues have been coming out tenfold. A couple of days ago everything came to a head and I ended up slapping him a couple of times. I regret that it all devolved in the way that it did but on the other hand it kicked me into high gear to get him more help than what he was getting. We already saw his Dr and got more paperwork and another appointment to get the ball rolling on getting him help. I have decided that, with the severity of his disorders and my concerns about him harming someone or himself, I will most likely have to stay with my husband. He has the best insurance the military can provide and we live by and use the services of one of the most prominent research hospitals in the US. I cannot see how being a single mom of four, uprooting him to a new state and unknown medical/therapeutic facilities will help him.
Everything feels like a mess. I was heading in one direction with a purpose and now its all a jumble. Hopefully, we'll get some better directions at this next appt. and I can stop feeling like I'm stuck in limbo.
And for those who have not ready my story, I have known my husband's secret for about 6 months but have not confronted him about it yet. I may still confront him about it no matter whether I stay or not. I definitely will if I do not stay with him.
- Still Wondering
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Re: Two steps forward, five steps back.
GardenGnome,
That does sound like a mess. I'm so sorry. There are a couple of things that stick out to me. Assuming you decide you do want to move to another state, do you think your husband would try to stop you? I know that in divorce decrees, it can be stated that the other parent is not able to move further than X amount away from the other spouse. For one of my co-workers, it was written in that it had to be within the same city or be approved by the other parent.
But - don't give up on the move if that's what would make you happy. Start researching facilities now. You never know, there may be one in the area that might work just as well or better. The military will definitely provide insurance for the children, even after divorce. For a spouse it has to be at least a 20 year marriage. Mine was 10 so it didn't make the cut.
Good luck with whichever path you choose. But don't just assume you have to stay.
- Kel
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Re: Two steps forward, five steps back.
Oh wow. This..... SUCKS. I can relate - my oldest son has emotional issues, and they ramped up profoundly in his adolescence and resulted in him needing to leave the house by 18. He's been out on his own for 2 years now. It's hearbreaking, and it has taken allllll my strength to get to where I am today. It's not something I'd wish on anyone. It's hell on earth, frankly.
I very much understand your not wanting to upset the already precarious applecart with regards to your son. It was something I very much wanted, too - that despite the divorce, I wanted to keep the kids in the same school, with the same neighbors, friends, teachers and nearby family that they were accustomed to. And I was able to do that - but ONLY because I met my current husband and he was in a situation where he needed to move at the same time as my ex's mom was moving out of our place. It was perfect timing, even if my entire extended family was against it (not that I asked them for their opinion). But yeah - I'm sure I would have been super frustrated and upset if I had to move the kids and it affected my one son that much.
In the end, I didn't change much in his life, and he went off the deep end anyway. There is one thing I want to say to you - and it might sound disheartening, but it's not meant to be. No matter how hard you work to help your son, you won't be able to "fix" him - not all the way, at least. You might find things that work a bit, or a lot. Or things that work temporarily. It's a challenge to know when to give things more time, and when to move on to different options. Your son will need to want to get better. If he doesn't, nothing you can do will make a difference until he's ready. I tell you all of this because I think there's this belief that if you're working hard enough and being smart enough, you can make it all better. This doesn't happen with physical problems - if your child were born without lower limbs, no one would expect you to find a way to help him grow new legs or you weren't doing enough. They would expect that you help figure out ways for him to participate actively in the world around him - whether that be with prosthetic legs, or in a wheelchair. But with mental issues, they seem to think that if your kid is still misbehaving, you're not doing enough. Or enough of the right stuff. The truth is, if it were that easy, there would BE no mental illnesses left. You will need to have hope, but have realistic expectations. He is not ever likely to be "normal" in the sense of not dealing with the issues he is growing into. But he can learn to cope with them in various ways - with varying success. If he wants that, too. Don't lose hope. But neither should you let yourself feel like if he's not well yet, you haven't done enough. ALL you can do is what you can. You can seek help, you can read, you can talk to others, you can try new therapies and medications. You can't do more than that. There is no magic bullet. So don't let yourself feel like a failure. Anyone else who tried as hard as you do at helping their child would never be considered as a failure by you - don't do that to yourself, either.
I'm sorry this is so hard. I'm here anytime you want to privately chat. I know this hell all too personally.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.