Two steps forward, five steps back.

Back in mid May, I told my mom about our situation and my desire to divorce my husband. She was shocked at first but understanding. I then told my sisters at the beginning of June and it was the same with them. We are making plans for my mom and I(with my kids) to move back to our home state, where my sisters live, and buy a house or duplex together. My sisters wanted us to do this immediately which caused me to have several days of severe anxiety since they wanted me to move faster than I was ready. That got cleared up and my mom and I are moving at a pace suited to us.

I traded in a bunch of unused electronics to Amazon and bought a jogging stroller and jogging clothes. So, the last month and a half I have gone fast walking while pushing my 4 yo in the stroller. My daughters ride their bikes and my oldest son jogs on this 2.5 mile path around a city park lake. It has been good to get out any really use my muscles. I've wanted to do this for a long time and my husband never allowed me the money to get a jogging stroller. So, I made it happen myself. He was mad at first but I told he could get mad at me if he could find which account the money came from. Since it was all Amazon credit, he couldn't and settled down about it. 

Towards the end of June I moved out of our bedroom and into my own. The preceding month he had made several comments about how we sleep better apart. Since he is a passive aggressive person I figured this was his way of telling me he wanted us to sleep apart. The day of the room switching he became somewhat mad and  I looked at him and said "Why are you getting mad? This is what you wanted. So I don't understand why you are getting mad?". He gave me this dumbfounded look and just walked out of the room. A few minutes later I needed help with my daughter's bed frame and asked him for help. He helped me and our day carried on like normal. There was this extremely minuscule part of me that was sad that he didn't fight for me to stay in the marriage bed. But mostly I am happy to have my own room and bed. It is free of tension and anger and it is my own.

Now for the five steps back. Our 13 yo son has mental health disorders. Mostly it was manageable in his younger years. Since puberty started ramping up a couple of years ago, his issues have been coming out tenfold. A couple of days ago everything came to a head and I ended up slapping him a couple of times. I regret that it all devolved in the way that it did but on the other hand it kicked me into high gear to get him more help than what he was getting. We already saw his Dr and got more paperwork and another appointment to get the ball rolling on getting him help. I have decided that, with the severity of his disorders and my concerns about him harming someone or himself, I will most likely have to stay with my husband. He has  the best insurance the military can provide and we live by and use the services of one of the most prominent research hospitals in the US. I cannot see how being a single mom of four, uprooting him to a new state and unknown medical/therapeutic facilities will help him.

Everything feels like a mess. I was heading in one direction with a purpose and now its all a jumble. Hopefully, we'll get some better directions at this next appt. and  I can stop feeling like I'm stuck in limbo.

And for those who have not ready my story, I have known my husband's secret for about 6 months but have not confronted him about it yet. I may still confront him about it no matter whether I stay or not. I definitely will if I do not stay with him.

Its great to hear how all of you are doing.  I am happy for those of you that are making progress, and my heart hurts for those of you in the throes of TGT. 

I myself am doing pretty well.  My divorce was final in April, which was a relief.  Since then I've focused on my career and doing fun things in my free time.  I've tried to put in a lot of work on myself to get through the sadness that I have been enduring, and I'm finally feeling some peace about the situation.  Just this past week I went on my first date and it went well.  Yesterday was my exwife's birthday, which I thought would be a trigger for me because our birthdays are three days apart and we always enjoyed celebrating them together.  Nope, everything was fine, I hardly thought about it.  A mutual friend told me last night that my ex wife is not doing well and struggling, to which I said "not my problem anymore".  I don't wish her ill but I'm not going to lose anymore sleep over her.

I wish all of you strength as you push on through this struggle.  I am beginning to see happiness return to my life and I hope the same for all of you.