I understand what you're saying, Phoenix (about not wanting to hide what you've been through).  I talk about this all the time with whomever, so I don't feel like I'm hiding it.  However, I've never put it out there on FB or anything like that.  First off because honestly, I don't think people want to hear that!  FB is made for life updates, funny quips, and sadly, political shit.  Lol.  I'm not sure anyone wants to deal with heavy stuff there.  I recently saw the adult child of one of my mom's friends (who is one of my FB friends) post some really derogatory stuff on FB about their family.  He called his mother feeble, and accused his sister of taking advantage of the mother for her money.  I was floored.  You don't put that kind of shit out there for everyone to see!  The only people that truly care are your real friends, anyway.  And they know what's going on already.  Everyone else is just witnessing an f'ing trainwreck.  I told him that, too.  "Keep this shit off FB - it's not appropriate to drag your family through the mud publicly."

I think the best idea would be to start a blog.  If you want to post a link on your FB page to the blog, that's cool.  But it gives people a separate place to go if they really do want to read about your experience, and that of the straight spouse.  Just a thought.

Kel

Duped,

I'm so sorry that happened.  But if nothing else, it proves that you're making the right decision.  I had a childhood friend who came back into my life when I was a young adult, and then moved back to the area.  We were thick as thieves for a whole few weeks there.  He started acting like he really wanted to be with me.  I just couldn't - I just never saw him that way.  I wake up one morning to a phone call at 6 am.  Somehow, his much older sister had gotten my phone number and called to tell me that he was probably taking advantage of me.  Huh?  She said that he'd been telling her that I was desperately in love with him and wanted him to move in.  F'ing WHAT?!?  I told her that no, it was quite the other way around.  Then she laid on me a whole slew of information that proved to me that my good old friend had been lying to me - about EVERYthing.  Including that he was straight.  He was not.  He was gay.  And he was likely trying to dupe me into thinking he wanted to be with me so he could move in with me (I had my own apartment).  She told me that he was a habitual liar.  His old roommate was actually his old boyfriend.  He'd opened credit cards in his bf's name, and it was either leave the state or be prosecuted.  He didn't have the job in his last state that I thought he had, and he had no job now (despite him having had me drop him off there for work).  NOTHING was the truth.

I confronted him, and told him I knew everything.  I told him he had one more chance.  That we could start over and try to have fun.  But that if he ever so much as told me the time different by one minute, that was IT.  Took him all of two days to lie to me again - about something so stupid, pointless and easily found out.  I dropped him.  I haven't spoken to him since, despite him trying to contact me several times over the past 25 years.  I felt that the person I was friends with didn't actually exist.  If nothing you told me about yourself is true, then I'm literally having a friendship with a person that doesn't exist!  I don't need that kind of crap.  It's difficult enough to have good relationships with people who desperately love you and are authentic.

Cut that cancer out of your life.

Kel

phoenix wrote:

I'm also struggling with a desire and need to share my story publicly.  I want to post on my facebook and share my story and what I've done with my life and what I am doing now to try to help others.  I want to link to the SSN and spread the word. I don't know how to share my experience without sharing the salient facts of what happened.  While I do have a great deal of anger and I do want my ex to feel some shame from actions, I don't want to publicly bash her..  so I don't know how to do this.  For as long as I say nothing at all I feel as though I'm still trapped in her closet and it's driving me nuts.  I want str8 spouses to be known and understood and I feel like a hypocrite keeping silent in my own life while encouraging the network and others to speak up.   such a hard situation. 


 

Hello it's me, I'm still here.

I can certainly relate to that. I promised my ex I would not "come out" until my youngest was out of HS. Se was worried he'd be bullied because his mom was a "dyke"(so she said, I'm sure she had other worries too). It drove me crazy, many assumed I had left for a trophy girlfriend or something. I wanted to buy a billboard in my town and announce it to the world. A neighbor of mine split from his wife for what I suspected was the same reason, and I couldn't reach out to him. It was a tremendous relief to finally be able to discuss it with friends, and to finally not have to be anonymous as an SSN volunteer.

That said, the only consideration you should have is for your boys, might they be hurt if you were public. You don't have to bash her, but you don't owe her either. The truth is the truth. You have done a wonderful job on this board, and are a tremendous asset to the SSN community. 

Thanks to all who've made nice comments to me, I'm afraid to mention people as I know I'll leave someone out & would not like that, I appreciate the support, I just don't have the time currently to scroll back.

Lake Breeze, yes that quote is so apt, isn't it? I saw it on FB on picture of a girl sitting on her suitcase at what I think is a train station in the pouring rain, it was such a powerful picture, I took a screenshot and have shared it with a number of people now. It was only when I typed it above that it clicked, what a perfect signature! It fits so many of us on here.

Last edited by Foolme (July 21, 2017 3:23 am)

Hi everyone -

Thanks for the well-wishes yesterday on my wedding anniversary!  Hubs and I dressed up and went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants - the one where we literally got married and had our reception at.  I call it revisiting the scene of the crime.  Lol.  It was nice to be out alone.  The topic of mental illness came up at one point (I read a ton, and often mention what I've read to him).  We were talking about how much anxiety people today seem to experience compared to when we were growing up.  And how relentless depression is - how all-encompassing.  My husband's second wife (I'm his third) had a ton of depression - so much so that it resulted in job loss, days worth of crying jags, the home being thrown into disarray, etc.  In the end (the marriage only lasted a few years), she was content to be this way.  She didn't want to go to counseling, be on medication, or do anything to feel better.  And that's what ended the marriage - not that she was sick, but that she had no desire to get better.  She could see it affecting their marriage and her husband, but didn't care enough to do anything to be proactive about her illness.  In the end, he just couldn't do it any longer.  He couldn't choose to continue living in a hell that someone else was content to sit in.  We talked for a moment about how we WANT to be the kind of people who accept others despite their flaws - just like we want others to do for us.  But the truth is, none of us would tell our kids to go ahead and get involved with a person who is mentally unhealthy.  It's just so much to deal with!  We feel the unhealthy people deserve love and are worthy of it.  But that doesn't mean we have to choose them as our partners.  We would certainly warn our children away from such a challenging arrangement.  I'd much rather have one of my daughters marry a good man permanently in a wheelchair than to marry an able-bodied man with unhealthy mental issues.  1000%.

Sometimes you have to save yourself.  You can't save them anyway - no sense in sacrificing yourself on the alter if it means nothing in the end anyway.  I realize it's a lot more complicated than that.  But you cannot ever have a healthy marriage with an unhealthy individual.  Period.  You can love them hard and do everything right and sacrifice everything.  That still won't make them healthy.

On a completely different note, this past year has been one of huge gains for my husband and I.  We improved our credit, paid off old debts, bought a newer car, and bought a home and have done a ton of work to make it ours.  To appreciate that, you need to understand that both of us have previous bankruptcies, and neither of us brought anything but some beat-up furniture and misbehaving vehicles to the relationship.  I NEVER would have thought I could own a home ever again - at least not until all the kids were grown and we could afford a small place.  Hubs had been driving a '97 car for the past 5 years that he thought would get him through about one year.  So none of where we are right now is because it was expected.  It was because our marriage was so sound and fun that we could put our energies into dreaming big and fighting hard for some of the things that we truly wanted.  Once I realized that I'd thrown away $197K in RENT in the past 8 years, I knew we needed to just buy already.  So we hatched a plan and worked it HARD to get where we are.  And we're both overjoyed about it.  My extended family seems more surprised than me, which is saying something.  Lol.

Our goal for this next year (aside from keeping afloat!) is to go away for our anniversary next year - even if it's only for a long weekend.  Life is SO much easier when you have two healthy people in the relationship.  We spend barely any time on combating marital issues.  We're much more able to focus on progress than on damage control or life support (to the relationship).  Tomorrow night we're going to the first concert I've probably been to in 25 years.  That was our anniversary present to ourselves this year.  It's an outdoor evening event that has many R&B artists in a lineup - older groups like Bel Biv Devoe and SWV, as well as Kelly Rowland, Nelly, and Jill Scott.  We did the quiet dinner alone, and now we're doing the blow-out concert on payday.  Woooooo hooooooooo!!!!!

Kel

Last edited by Kel (July 21, 2017 10:16 am)