Welcome to the club that no one wanted to join. As you read here you will find that some will say that when confronted men often claim that they were abused as children and suggest that it probably is not true. For some that may be an attempt to gain pity and get the partner or wife to become supportive but in the case of my ex I know from others that it did happen.

Whether this caused it for not does not change the fact that he was attracted sexually to men before I met him and was throughout our marriage. Despite an admission post-marriage that he was "bi" his sexual attraction to women was less than his attraction to men, which increased with age and as he distanced himself from me and spent more time with openly gay men.  Finally he came out and left after 30+ years of marriage. In retrospect I now say "Thank you God."

We did marriage counseling in the early and middle years and it always ended up focusing on him and him going to private counseling. The fact is that the desire for a male lover is hard-wired and will always be there. Please don't get sucked into staying to help him. He doesn't want to lose you because he has a had good thing but you can't be his therapist and you may find that he becomes like a child who will grow up and leave.

The dynamic of the marriage changes as join him in his closet and you change with it. I didn't know how constrained I was until he left and I began re-discovering myself. Do think of yourself and do what is right for you.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this as it can be devastating to your whole being. I agree for the most part with the other replies regarding getting the help you need. However I still struggle with the belief in the 'bi' thing.
I've seen too many cases where it proves to be a transitional phase during a maturing period in life for people who have the SSA. They more 'mature' and comfortable they become in their own skin, the scale slides heavier to one side...and settles.
One concern I have with something you mentioned is how happy he was all the time. So all the while he's having sex with other men, (I say men because your told only the portion of what's been exposed rather than the whole truth of what hasn't), he was a happy camper living the double life without the guilt he should have been feeling.
It was only until you busted him that he now feels all this 'pain'. 
So what if you went another 20 years without knowing? Would he still be dancing through life in his secret little world while putting you at risk?..
Just something to consider. I truly wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you.
 

Hi Angry,

Welcome to the place no one wants to be.  You will find understanding and support here.

I think of bi as being much the same as someone who is open to dating/loving/being with someone of different races.  I'm one of those people. I am white, and was brought up without exposure to a single black person. From the Midwest of the U.S., from a prejudiced family.   Most women in my situation wouldn't be open to creating a life with a man of color.  But I am.  I find some men of all different races attractive.  And I also find plenty of men in all of those races unattractive.  I look at myself as extremely lucky - I am not limited whatsoever in finding the right person because I need to look within a narrow lane of what he looks like.  I was open to anything.  That didn't mean that he could be any religion or type of person.  He had to be a good match for me, and I had to find him attractive.  Period.  Once I found the right person and committed to a relationship, I had no need to continue to explore being with other men just because I was open to their race.  I am married to a black man now - the love of my life.  I cannot possibly see myself cheating on him with a white man because I'm also open to white men.  The same would be true if he was white - I wouldn't be cheating on him with a black man just because I'm open to that, too.

I think of being bi as being much the same way.  I know of a bi woman who says her last committed relationship was with a man.  This time around it's with a woman.  She likes both sexes.  Her choice depends on the individual rather than what sex they are.  She still has to like them and find them attractive, which rules plenty of people out.  But no one is ruled out based upon their sex alone.  THAT is bi.  Bi is NOT needing to be with both.  Bi is being open to both.  Once you lock down into a committed relationship though, that's.... it.  Don't commit if you're not all the way fulfilled.

The fact that your husband is cheating on you with men (and not women) means that he's GAY, not bi.  Bi would mean that he's open to both sexes, but found and chose you - a female.  Gay means that he's with someone that he may love and even like, but he will not be sexually fulfilled unless he's with a man.  As a straight female, you can't make that work.

Most gay in denial men don't want to admit that they're gay.  Saying they're bi means that they can tell you that they still like women - or at least one; you.  It also sounds more progressive and non conformist.  In the end though, it's really about them not being able to accept themselves as gay, so they back it up a step and say they're bi.  There's a saying around here that bi is just a stop on the road to gay.  I'll go one step further and say that bi is a layover at the airport.  It is not the real destination.  They just don't want to admit that they've booked a flight for a vacation in Jersey.  They don't want to admit to liking Jersey.  They'd rather make it look like they're only in Milwaukee on their way to HAWAII, NOT Jersey.  If you like Jersey, you like Jersey.  Claim it, own it, be it.  But don't lie about it.

When you pull the gay thing out of the equation, he's been cheating on you.  For years.  His excuse of why he's curious (the abuse) might be real - and might even be where his fascination with men started.  But it is NOT an excuse to cheat.  He may have been a victim of the abuse, but he doesn't need to make YOU the victim because he can't own up to his real feelings and needs.  Cheating has zero to do with being abused as a child.  Being gay isn't a choice.  But cheating is an action, and it IS under his control.  And he's failed miserably at being faithful and true to you.  He admitted nothing until he was caught.  That's not transparent.  That's lying until he couldn't get out of it any longer.  Even then he's making excuses for why it happened.

You deserve better, hon.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (July 14, 2017 8:22 pm)