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April 25, 2017 6:37 pm  #231


Re: How do I survive this?

Congratulations, it's a confidence builder but also shows you have a clear idea what you want in your next relationship and are ready to hold out for it. Keep rising.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

April 27, 2017 1:11 pm  #232


Re: How do I survive this?

Thanks Daryl,  Kind words.. I appreciate it!

I hope I don't have to wait too long for another try at a relationship.  I'm looking forward to finding real love. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

May 23, 2017 1:52 pm  #233


Re: How do I survive this?

Another month in the books...    I'm now 6 and 1/2 months post divorce and 5 and 1/2 months from her moving out.  1 year from D-day will be the first week of July.   

Time is starting to move faster and life is starting to feel more normal.  

I still have some big anger issues that I try to deal with.  I fight back the urge to call or text her and yell and call her names on a daily basis.  But I never allow myself to be weak and fail in this area.  I don't know how long it will take for that anger to go away, but I will keep winning over it on a daily basis until it does. 

No "girlfriend" yet.  I've traded messages with a few women online but nothing has turned into anything of note lately.  This is ok though.  I am lonely and would like very much to have a new love and companion.  But I am not desperate and will not settle for someone who doesn't fit the parameters of what I desire in a spouse.  I will stick to my morals and continue to wait for God to bless me with someone wonderful. 

I've kept incredibly busy.  I go out with friends a couple days a week, work on my house and car, get completely involved with my kids when they are with me (50%), and even have a little time for netflix shows once in a while.  I met a local Str8 spouse in person and had a fantastic talk.. what a great friend!!!  

Anyway, just wanted to check in and continue keeping my "blog".  Clearly all of us have different roads to travel, but I want people to see how life goes and how we can move on from this trauma. 

 

Last edited by phoenix (May 23, 2017 1:54 pm)


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

June 7, 2017 7:37 am  #234


Re: How do I survive this?

This thread is serving as a blog of sorts for me..  
I wanted to capture something I wrote yesterday. 

"Your eyes open, crusty lashes stick together as you've clearly been sleeping for a while.  As your eyes begin to find focus they scan back and forth to take in the surroundings.  Unfamiliar visions cloud your mind as you see a dark and dirty wood ceiling that is definitely not your bedroom.   The room is very dark with just a dim glow through covered windows.  This bed is placed in a very shabby room.  Old wooden slats hide behind peeling wallpaper, broken shelving looks to be ready to fall over into the middle of the room and curly locks of flypaper hang from the exposed and aged wood ceiling.  Through the few streaks of light that pass through the dark cloth covering the windows you can see the dust particles in the air.  
With your pulse beginning to increase as you take in the unfamiliar room you start to wonder how you got to this place.  Where are you?  How did you get here?  Your mind is swimming and circling and you can't seem to focus.  Buried in confusion you decided to close your eyes again and you drift back to sleep. 
Seemingly hours later you wake again and once more scan the room.  This time something is different, you are aware of rain hitting the roof and leaking into the room in a few places.  You stand up with the idea of exploring the room, but you immediately feel dizzy.  Sitting back down and try to regain memory of how you got here and where it is that you might be.  After what seems like hours you notice the light dying and you go back to sleep. 
The next morning you awake and again find yourself dazed in this room.  You feel dried blood on the back of your head.  You still have no memory of how you came to this place.  As you study the room you notice that there is no handle on the door.  A feeling of dread and panic comes over you..  are you a prisoner in this place?  Stuck in this dark room with the windows closed off and a closed door with no handle.  You become aware that the rain is falling much harder this morning and the light is very dim.  You can hear the sound of gusting winds blowing hard against the exterior.  Gloom sets in as you come to realize that you must be in a prison of some kind.  This horrible room begins to close in, your head throbs and you decide to lay back down.  Giving up hope you close your eyes and wish that they will not open again, you don't want to live out your days in this horrible place.. a prisoner with hope of escape.  
Thunder crashes and lighting flashes outside the prison walls.  The wind is fierce and the walls creak and groan against the onslaught.  Surely this is the end of it..  You roll out of your covers and hit the floor with a  thud and the slide your body under the bed.  You cover your head and wait for the inevitable.  The winds continue to blow and crash around the building.  Pieces of wood seem to be rending from the roof and you hear glass break.  The next bolts of lightning are much brighter as the light is now unfiltered by the dark cloth.. perhaps that cloth is gone or maybe the entire wall.  Your fears are confirmed as you feel cold drops hitting your arms as they try to cover your head.  How did your life go so wrong?  What happened to get you here?  Why are you destined to die now in this storm, stuck in a prison in this sad and horrible place?  

A voice..  "Sir?"  "Sir, can you hear me?"  
You open your eyes and close them immediately.. It's so bright.. blinding light.  So slowly you crack open your eyes and start to allow the warm sunlight to penetrate your retinas.  As you adjust to the light you hear the voice again, "Are you awake?  Are you OK?  That was quite a storm.  Sir do you feel any pain?  Are you hurt?"
"I don't think I'm hurt, other than my head.  I must have hit it, but a couple days ago.". 
Starting to clarify your vision you see that this woman is a medic of some kind as she is points a flashlight into your eyes.  She has a uniform on that reads "United States Coast Guard".   "Sir, can you stand up?"
"With a little help you slide out from under the bed and then right yourself and get to your feet.  You start to survey your surroundings.  The little prison is now flooded with light through two huge windows.  One of the panes of glass is broken and the cloth that was covering the window was knocked away.  The glass is dirty, but you can see shades of green and blue out the window and a cool breeze flowing through the opening.  
"Sir, do you want to come outside?"
You are starting to gain some strength as you take a few steps toward the door.  Your helper is a step behind you making sure you are supported.  You reach the door and stop and look at it as you remember that there is no handle.  "Just push" she says.  You give it a little shove with your palm and it gives way easily.  As you pass through you enter a bigger room.. a living room perhaps.  There are a few chairs and a table.  There is beautiful sunlight bathing the room with it's warm glow from many windows.  
"The other door is over there sir" as she point across the room. 
You walk that way and reach for the handle.  You open the door again feel nearly blinded by the stunning light. The cool breeze is blowing and you hear water, a beach..  laid out in it's majesty in front of you.  Two steps down from this doorway is sand..  bright white beach sand interrupted by the light brown horizontal stripes of palm trees as they reach for life giving sun and wave at your with their huge green fronds.  The water is a crystal blue as it crashes gently over itself and runs out of momentum on the sands.  
What is this paradise?  You've never seen such a stunning place, it's like a dream.  

"Sir, we found a boat against the rocks on the other side of that point over there.  We couldn't find anyone on the boat so we decided to check up the beach a little ways.  I'm glad I found you.  Is that your boat sir?" 
With this clue, you suddenly find some clarity and memories start to flood back in.  "That is my boat.  I was out too late and didn't see the rocks. I crashed and must have hit my head."  
"Somehow you must have found that cabin before the storm set in.  It's good that you did, it was an awful storm.  Where were you going?"
"I was starting a journey to my new life.  I cashed out my 401k and quit my job and bought some beachfront property.  The real estate agent said there was a small cabin near the beach that could be easily remodeled and be a wonderful little home.  I guess I found it, but with the bump on the head I couldn't figure out where I was.  
"All I could see was the little room that I thought I was trapped in.  It felt dark and dirty and sad and I thought I was a prisoner in an awful place.  But I didn't know what beauty and majesty lay just outside. I was so focused on the four walls, the darkness and confusion in my own mind and I had given up hope.  The storm was raging and it felt like it was going to be the end."
With a smile on her face, the medic said, "Sir, the storm has passed.  It was a bad one, but it was only temporary.  This is one of the most beautiful beaches in Hawaii and your cabin has tons of potential.  You are so fortunate, very few people have a chance to live such an amazing life.  You are going to be just fine". 


The morale of this story..  
-In the wake of the shock of finding out our spouse is gay and the loss of the future we thought we had, we tend to put ourselves in a prison of our own making.  We see life pessimistically and focus on what we have lost.  We allow the pain to overtake us and become depressed.  Depression feeds on itself and snowballs.. One sad though plus one more sad thought somehow feels like three instead of two.  Add a third sad thought and it now feels like the weight of six sad thoughts.  It become oppressive and clouds out the rest of world. 
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

June 7, 2017 10:19 am  #235


Re: How do I survive this?

Phoenix/lostdad

I feel I just read my story. My wife is still here but most of your post was exactly mine. I want her so desperatly,  no matter how much I write her, talk, or text her. I feel I have lost her.   She tells me if I keep asking for an answer I won't like it.  To me she has made it and won't commit. I don't know why, fear out coming out, friends family our son. The longer it goes the more hope I have.  I know its false, but can't let go.i wrote 1 final letter, I told her that I will give it to her if she really wants to. I fear of I do then I consent to it ending, I don't.   I what her to make her decision that is right. But in my letter it says I will honor it only if she can look me in the eye and say it with certainty, without hesitation or remorse.  I pray we both get the release we need.  To you Phoenix I hope you find a healthy release.

 

June 7, 2017 10:43 am  #236


Re: How do I survive this?

MO,

Is the way you're acting the way you think is best for you?  It seems like you're begging someone to love you - is that what you think is best for ANYone?  What would you tell a friend who was desperately begging someone to tell them something that their partner has already said no to?  If your friend's partner had told them that they won't like the answer to the question they're seeking, wouldn't you tell them that they already HAVE the answer?

I think you need to hear the words out loud from her.  But you've already gotten that and more - you've gotten actions.  Words can lie - actions do not.  You inherently know this.  It's why you're asking for words - because you can see her actions, and you see what she's communicating to you there.  You're hoping for some scrap of something you can hold on to.  But even if you got it at this point, it would be like asking for a book and getting a word.  It would only give you false hope.  You're begging for false hope - because you feel it's better than no hope.  But friend...... it's NOT.

I begged for my former gay husband to give words of affirmation to me.  I even told him how to tell me those words.  And he still couldn't or wouldn't.  I do NOT have to beg for those words from my current husband - ever.  He tells me every day in a million ways - and with words - how loved I am.  How beautiful and exciting I am to him.  I'm so glad that my ex didn't just tell me the words I wanted to hear - I may have stayed and missed all this real stuff for the fluff that I was begging for. 

It's okay to still want love, and intimacy.  But you're looking in the wrong direction for it at this point.  And you KNOW that.  For a moment, stop doing what comes naturally and start thinking about doing what you know should be done - for your best life long-term.  Let go of the toxic thing you're trying to cling to.  It's the only way to have open hands to grasp the real thing later.

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

June 29, 2017 12:50 pm  #237


Re: How do I survive this?

Another "blog" style entry today. 

It's been a month since I've shared anything about my process, so I want to post today and I'll continue posting on roughly a monthly basis.  

I continue to heal.  Life is getting easier.

6/16 would have been my 17th anniversary.  It was the first since TGT, so a new experience.. the first time I didn't celebrate the anniversary of my marriage.  I was fortunate to have my sons and to be on a road trip on that day, so I was occupied and it wasn't too bad. 
7/11 will be 1 year since D-Day.. when I found out and when my life was shattered.   I'm not sure how I will feel on that day..  angry? hurt?  vengeful?  or just happy that I survived a year and am in such a better place today than I was a year ago?

One of the biggest frustrations I was dealing with was the obsessive thoughts revolving around how angry and hurt I still am.  I would spend hours every day grinding through those painful memories and reliving events and wishing I would have done things differently.  I would rethink some of times she hurt me and relive it, only this time, rather than being scared and scarred and trying to take the highroad, in my imaginary reliving of the event I would do what I really wanted to do..  I would insult her, I would yell at her, I would kick her out of the house.  I would call her out for being the monster she was rather than just being like a doormat and trying to keep the peace. I still have those moments..  but they have settled down to moments now.. They are occasional and normally stimulated by some kind of trigger like a memory or something else.  It's getting better!!

I still don't consider myself to be a happy person.  These are not the best days of my life.  I really don't enjoy being a single person.  I like life much better when I'm in love and have a partner.  I like having someone on my team.  I like having a person to communicate with and share my day with and vice-versa from them.  I like having someone to plan a future with and someone to work hard on behalf of.  
I know we are all supposed to learn to find our own happiness internally and not be reliant on another person.. and I can do that.   I have enough activities to keep me busy and motivated and have fun on a week to week basis.   But I don't think I'm truly happy.   These are not my "glory years".   

So, I am actively trying to find a partner.  I'm ready to be in love again.. Actually i have been for a while, but I have more confidence in that fact. 

My ex is still violating our divorce agreement by having her lover live with her.. which makes me very angry because my goal was to insulate my sons from a 3rd party for a period of time to allow them to adjust.  I'm tempted to take her back to court over this.  Just not sure it's worth it since we're only about 6 weeks away from the true deadline that was in our decree.  

One thing that weighs heavily on my mind is telling my story publicly.  it drives me nuts that most of us are trapped into a closet of our own because we aren't supposed to "out" our ex and because the situation we went through somehow seems to reflect negatively on us.  It shouldn't be this way..   I know I comment on this regularly when new people show up here.  But I think it's time I started living it myself.   I'm writing an article.  Very slowly..   But I am writing an article.   I want to share my experience and hope for change in two ways.  First, I want to urge our society to realize that being rude/angry/hateful toward LGBT people causes another layer of harm to those of us who become straight spouses.  It's just wrong to do in the first place.. but I don't think the average person realizes that it can come back to harm themselves or other straight people.   Second, i want to make our plight more well-known.  I want people to realize that when a married person comes out as gay they have most likely devastated a spouse and family.  Instead of encouraging them and being proud of them, our society needs to focus empathy on the spouse and family left behind.  The media is harming us by focusing on the wrong things.
So I plan to continue this and hopefully try to get it published in the near future.   I don't expect to go viral or to make big waves or anything..  but I hope to reach a few more people.  One rock thrown into a pond has little effect, but millions of them can fill it in entirely.  

So that's where I'm at right now..  Continuing my recovery and looking forward to meeting someone new.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2017 11:24 am  #238


Re: How do I survive this?

Tomorrow is one year since disclosure.  
I'm almost there.. I wasn't always sure I would see this day. 

I just got back from NYC on vacation.  I thought a lot about how different my life is since then.  I can't say it's better that it was before disclosure, but there are things that are better.  I have much less stress now since I'm not consumed with fears of her leaving me or cheating on me or lying to me.  But I miss being part of a marriage and having a person to spend my life with.  I am confident that I will find someone and someday then I will be truly happy. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

July 10, 2017 2:00 pm  #239


Re: How do I survive this?

Good for you phoenix, hopefully one day you will be in the authentic relationship where you're treasured for who you are. I bet the year flew and dragged at the same time, I find myself saying is it really THAT long since TGT and other times OMG that life seems so long ago now!

The one year marking is a big one! Well done you on all you've achieved and how you've grown since then


Sometimes we are just the collateral damage in someone else's war against themselves
 

July 10, 2017 6:07 pm  #240


Re: How do I survive this?

Thanks Foolme!  

I remember how incredibly painful those first few weeks and months were.  How frustrating and hurtful the process of divorce was.  How lonely and depressing it was to be single when i didn't want to be.  

But I'm a world away now from where I was a year ago.  I'm optimistic and strong..   Looking forward to a better future.  

I hope I can help anyone else reading this post to find their own milestones and continue moving forward to a better place. 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
     Thread Starter
 

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