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Fri Jul 7 6:45 am  #11

Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?

Hi Scarey -

Along with the fireworks of the 4th of July, I got news that my husband was coming out as gay.  He is not currently in a relationship (and I am choosing to trust him) but has been struggling with this for some time.  To say the least I am heartbroken...I'm finding it hard to breathe each and every day.  Never in a million years did I think I would be divorced.

I am in a situation very similar to yours.  Married 15, together 20. I do work, but I am a school assistant so I am part-time, paid very little and given an hourly wage. I stayed home with my kids for about 10 years and worked very hard at building a home for our family while my husband travelled for work extensively.  I've been single parenting for a long time and I was looking forward to relief as his travel is slowing, and then WHAM! Here I am dealing with this. The thought of having to find myself, of having to start a career and deal with this and supporting my kids through this is overwhelming and scary.

I would like for him to stay, for us to work things out and co-parent together, but he is dead set against it.  I just don't know how we will afford for him to move out.  One option is for him to stay with family over an hour away - I need help here...I don't have family or many close friends here...he was my best friend.  

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well.  I am at the stage where 1 person knows and all I want to do is talk about it, cry and scream.  We decided to wait to tell family till we speak to a counselor. Having to stay quiet is so difficult. I'm hoping I can get some of my pent up emotions out through this site.  


Fri Jul 7 9:34 am  #12

Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?


A warm welcome.   You wrote all the words many of us went through
"he was my best friend.".

That one took awhile for me to realize; my now ex was not really my friend let alone best friend.    Their ripping the rug out from us borders on evil or demonic.   You or I could never do that to a person.

The punchline for me. .my ex was a stay at home mom with no job in almost 2 decades.  It didn't stop her from worrying how she would live.
I worried about would I live.. how would she live.

Zero..rule#1.  Do not leave your home. Do this only if it makes financial sense and you have a legal parenting agreement.

First I would urge to be kind to yourself and realize you did nothing wrong to cause this.

Second,  you need to gather strength and support; small steps if you have to..maybe one day open your own checking account etc.    Visit a doctor, therapist etc.  Find strength in realizing the kids need a parent that will put them above all else... and these spouses are not it now matter what they say now.

Third, start gathering financial information..accounts etc.    This will be needed for step four..

Fourth, look for legal help by shopping for a lawyer..  Most offer a free
initial consultation..good ones offer some information that may ease worries and fears.

You and the kids are entitled to a roof over your heads.  Your husband may seem compassionate now about money etc but that can quickly change; ie..he is not your friend anymore..friends.. hell roomates don't do this to another person.     Hence why legal help is important...its an emergency and you need the right help for this emergency.

Its a scary time..  I could not see how we could afford anything.. TGT and divorce makes so financial sence.   But it is not forever.  I cannot ease your fears of the future but I can say divorcing my GIDX was the best thing I could have done for my health and well being.  Living with an covertly dishonest spouse is hell and it can quickly become worst than any fears you have of the future.

An warm e-hug (authentic and real).

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Fri Jul 7 11:51 pm  #13

Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?

KM and Scarey,
   I am also a Newbie to the site, so are not alone. My husband came out as Bi a year and a half ago. We decided to try having an open marriage. He did his thing and I did mine, I thought it was working. But after a year of us not having sex I was getting worried that Bi actually meant gay. One night I persuaded him to have sex and it was not good. It was like having sex with a complete stranger plus having to have him wear a condom, it felt all wrong. We didn't talk about it, we just went about our business. I finally approached him and asked why he thought it was 'off' and he said it 'just wasn't his thing' anymore. Really!?! When the hell did you think you were going to clue me into this relevation?! Here I am thinking the open marriage was working and we were all good.
So after 20 years of marriage, 2 teenage kids and years as being a stay at home Mom, I have to find a job, recreate myself, at almost 50 years old? I am terrified.
I don't have a lot of friends or family and am feeling quite lost. We are currently going to counseling to help us to try and communicate better. I have been blindsided so many times now. He says he wants to stay together until the kids are in college but will he really wait another 5-6 years? I have a hard time trusting him. Ugh. I found this site by accident, just knowing I am not the only one, gives me at least a small glimmer of hope.
One day at a time, that's all we can do. ((Hugs)). K2


Sat Jul 8 12:22 am  #14

Re: Another newbie. Any other stay at home mom's?

I was a SAHM, too, and am already in my 50's.  I tell my SAHM friends, now, to be sure they are keeping up with current skills, in their career line.  I didn't.  Huge mistake.  My degrees are outdated, and I am trying to find work.  I know I will figure this out; you can, too.  It is hard and will take courage and persistence.  (I did, always, contribute financially, but I didn't continue in an upwardly mobile career; that turns out to have been a mistake for me).

When he said it "just wasn't his thing anymore"...I feel your pain and humiliation.  There is NO way I could have continued in my inauthentic marriage, until all of mine were in college.  Honestly, my older children couldn't understand why I was even considering staying married.  Plus, they could feel the tension and resentment.  That was too much for them.

Your timeline is not so different from mine.  Disclosure for me was about a year and a half ago, too.  I just keep taking one day at a time, trying to do the right thing for myself and my children.  I have been divorced, for a few months now.  Recreating yourself is a challenge.  I'm looking forward to what I finally figure out.  It's a struggle, but living a truthful life was the only option I felt I had left.  I'm hoping to be an inspiration to my children, as I'm always encouraging them to get a good education and find a good job.  Now, I need to put that into action, myself.

Just take one day at a time.  That's overwhelming enough, right now.  I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.  You will find strength you didn't know you had.

Last edited by jkpeace (Sat Jul 8 9:10 am)


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