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Wed Jul 5 3:33 pm  #11

Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Hi Steddie - I got that collective sigh - 'oh I knew he was gay'  'of course, he's gay, why didn't I think of that' etc from my closest friends.  

The next thing I know I am having these weird arguments with them - I say he's gay, they say he's not gay I say something that is incontrovertible about him being gay and they say well what's wrong with being gay?  like I'm being mean to him.  I burst out with well he should have told me or he shouldn't have married me and all I get is a blank stare.  

And then we'd be back to he's not gay - it's shocking the way people are.  

sometimes I think all the cognitive dissonance is because reality is knockout scary - too much to take in.

It sounds like you are concerned about your wife's parenting skills - there is nothing you can do about it nothing but give them your own good example.  If you are thinking you can absorb all the punishment and protect your children like that - it really doesn't work it doesn't so many good parents have tried it and i know it doesn't work, however willing you are to sacrifice yourself for your children they are better off with a live parent who can help them in the long run tho when they are little they need someone to hug them on the spot.  I am so sorry you are going through this, take heart things will get better and know that there are lots of people in similar positions.  

wishing you all the best, Lily.


Wed Jul 5 4:14 pm  #12

Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

I hate those arguments where they want to know why you didn't stay together anyway - as if straightness and gayness are compatible in marriage.  They.are.not.

What worked for me what saying to said friends, "So,..... if your spouse came out to you as gay - and it made sense - because of how little interest they showed in you intimacy-wise, you'd be cool with that?"  Que the "Ahhhhhh......."  Because they didn't think of it THAT way.  I had one person say yes.  And so I pushed further.  So,..... what you're saying is that it's not important in your marriage to be desired?  To be wanted? To feel confident and passionate?  Because it's sure as hell important to ME."  Well then yeah - suddenly it's important to them, too.

If they push further, and say that no, being desired and cherished and wanted isn't important to them, then I guess I'd ask what the hell was the point of marriage, then?  You can be all other things to people without marriage, after all.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Thu Jul 6 2:07 pm  #13

Re: Ways to get her to get out of the closet

Hi Steddiecat,
 Sorry you had to find this place.
I guess I got lucky. Six weeks after our 27th anniversary she said "I am gay" and she moved out to be with her girlfriend. I am now going on six years remarried and she is married to her new wife. Lucky for me they live halfway across America from me now.

I know not all situations are good for someone to out their gay spouse but keep in mind this is also your life story you are living and you have the right to tell your story however you see fit!

Be well.

"Narcissists can only kick you when you’re down"


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