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Sun Jul 2 3:24 pm  #1

Really Starting to Wonder.....

I'm new to this forum.  I have recently started seriously questioning my husband's sexuality.  We've never had great sex.  Before we got married it seemed fine (not earth-shattering, but good enough).  When we got married it stopped.  We only had sex three times on our honeymoon.  After that it wasn't all that often.  Maybe once a month in the beginning.  Early on he said he didn't like me on top.  Went to far as to say it hurt and that I rubbed him wrong.  So now for the last 15+ years we have only done it with him on top.  He doesn't ask for doggie, but did about 8 months ago for the first time.  Also we've only had sex one other time since then and that was in February.  When we do have sex it is very mechanical, no boob touching ever (I am a size 2 girl with 32 DD natural breasts so he should want to touch!), no oral sex ever (me or him), almost seems inexperienced or something.  No hunger, no passion.  I have been in conversations with other women over the years where they say their husbands are always after them and it drives them crazy.  I have never felt this way and when it comes up in conversation with other women I always feel a little sick in the pit of my stomach.  About 8 months ago I started thinking something was up.  He was working all the time and gone a lot and things didn't add up.  He had taken a new position at work and was saying that he was so busy with that so that was a good enough explanation except that my gut said there was more.  I started thinking he was cheating.  I started writing everything down that was weird (like working till midnight all the time).  Unexplained absences where he said he was at work, but one time I found out from someone who works there that he was not actually there.  In the back of my head I kept thinking he can't be cheating because he doesn't have the sex drive to cheat so I would think another man and then think there's no way.  He doesn't have the stereotypical gay traits so besides the low sex drive it didn't totally add up.  Finally after about 4 months of me questioning it I broke down one night and asked if he was cheating.  He assured me he was not, but said sometimes when he's out with different groups of friends of ours he feels like they know something about him.  When I pressed further he said he thinks there's a video out of him jerking off.  I thought this was super weird and super specific.  I asked if there had been a time he possibly could have been videoed doing this and he said no it's just a feeling I have.  This did not sit well with me at all.  It seems like this might be a cover for something worse.  I begged him to tell me if there was anything to know.  Even asked if gay and he said no.  I said if there is anything and I find out later I will leave.  He still said no.  The next night when he came home from work he kept looking like he was going to tell me something.  I thought this is it.  He's going to come clean, but then nothing.  This was a Monday night.  By Thursday he was having a nervous breakdown.  Started having delusions.  Thought our house was bugged, thought his phone was bugged.  Couldn't keep a thought in his head for 5 minutes.  This went on for 4 nights and then some friends and people from work stepped in.  They ended up making him go to a rehabilitation center as they thought he was abusing drugs or alcohol or something because he was making no sense.  There is a lot more to this, but basically he ended up at a place out of state (didn't want to do treatment here because he didn't want run into people around town he'd met at treatment.)  Before he left he told several people including our 13 year old daughter that there was a secret.  Things were going to come out, but he wouldn't say what.  The night he left he said no matter what happens I am doing everything I do for you and the girls.  Things are going to come out and I just want you to know that, etc.  So after being in treatment for a couple weeks he changed his story.  There was no secret, that was just part of the delusions.  He ended up being treated for depression and anxiety and alcohol abuse.  No one from the treatment place really ever talked to me.  When they did they said they had to keep his confidentiality and had to have him on the phone too.  He's back now, but not taking anything for depression which I think is weird.  They said delusions from lack of sleep, depression and anxiety.  I think pretty extreme to cause such delusions and even weirder if that bad why he doesn't need to be on some sort of anti-depressant.  Another part of this is that he has been emotionally abusive/critical/controlling to me throughout our marriage.   It was so subtle that I didn't really completely realize it until all this happened.  When he left I felt a huge sense of relief.  So relieved I could hardly talk to friends, because I think they were thinking I'd be worried and concerned for him, but my reaction was actually relief to have him out of the house.  When he came back I was really upset.  I have broken down crying so many times I can't count.  Partly because I am afraid abuse will come back (which right now he is working really hard to keep in check, but I still think will come back) and partly because people keep saying they can fix the sex part (therapist), but it was never there in the first place.  How can you fix it?  I really want to leave him, but I am a people pleaser and he doesn't want our marriage to end so I have a hard time because of that and because it will also break my kids hearts.  I also am one who worries what other people think.  I keep wishing he'd just leave me.  Just a couple of other things to add, he is very homophobic and I think the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to him would be to have to admit he was gay.  He is a very successful business man and I think he thinks he couldn't exist in that world if anyone finds out.  It think that is why he desperately clings to the girls and I.  He says he loves us, but before he went to treatment he spent no time with us.  If we went on trips he'd work the whole time.  When at home he always sat back in the bedroom and didn't interact with us at all.  Since he's been back he's trying to be better.  He's not being critical of me or the girls and he's spending more time with us, but I am still so unhappy.  I know that at the end of the day, even if we can fix all the other stuff that the sex part won't get better and I deserve more.  I don't know what to do.  I feel like if I had proof of the gay I would be able to do it, but all of this is speculation....anyone who has any thoughts on this let me know....


Sun Jul 2 6:39 pm  #2

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

There are certainly some red flags here. The lack of passion, extended "work" absences, even the homophobia. Sometimes it's an overcompensation to look straight to others. What is really odd is the whole breakdown event you related. It made me think that someone was threatening to "out" him. And how could there be a video of him that he would be unaware of unless someone planted a spy cam on him? If you think you can salvage this relationship then I'd suggest counseling to keep working on things. If you don't think that can happen and are not happy you should do what needs to be done. Why do you want to suffer and be unhappy just to please others? As for the kids, many here will attest that they are better off with separated/divorced parents than witnessing a broken unequal relationship on a daily basis. You don't have to decide all at once, just take small steps. You may want to keep an eye open for suspicious behavior such as locked phones, more absences, strange calls and texts, computers with no internet history and so on. Take care of yourself!


Sun Jul 2 10:29 pm  #3

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Welcome to the forum Josie. Sorry you find yourself here.  We all know how devastating it is to have the issues that drive you to find us here. 

Here's my line of thinking.. 
He doesn't enjoy having sex with you.  His lack of enjoyment comes down to one of two things - 1. He is attracted to men.  2.  He is asexual and not attracted to anyone.   Right??  Has to be one of these two things in my opinion.
Let's start with the second option..  asexual.  If he was asexual, why would there be a video of him jerking off?  Why wouldn't he tell you this? There is typically no shame in being asexual.. people who are this typically have no issue admitting it.
So that leaves the first option.  He is gay.  Makes sense that he wouldn't want sex with you.  He wouldn't be attracted to your breasts.  He would no longer feel the pressure to have sex after you've committed to marry him, so the frequency would die off immediately.  Men are visually stimulated, so from what I've read, watching jerk-off vids and making jerk off vids is common practice for gay guys.  Having a nervous breakdown around the possibility of his video being public would align with him being gay and not wanting that to be public.  Abusive, critical, controlling is typical narcissistic behavior, which is very common for a closet gay man who's marriage exists to benefit him and his ability to be seen as straight.  

All I can do is offer my opinion based on the info you gave, and that opinion is that your husband is gay.  

Have you considered going to a marriage councilor to have a professional help you communicate?  

-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 


Mon Jul 3 9:34 am  #4

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Thank you Phoenix and Daryl.  The comment about the computer and phone is also there.  The past few months he had his phone on him all the time and silent.  I've looked at computer and ipad and phone safari history and there is nothing on any of them.  We have been to a marriage counselor once together and he went by himself last week and I am going by myself today.  I plan to tell her all of this.  At this point what I really want is to get out of this hurtful relationship, but it has been hard for me to do for some reason.  If I could prove the gay it would be so much easier.  If I accuse him he will never ever admit it.  Anyone ever hire a private investigator to figure it out?  I've thought about it, but don't know if they would find anything.  I think if he had been doing anything he might not be after all the rehab and everything.  He's working really hard to stay here with us as a family so I think he might have curbed anything that might have been going on for now.....

     Thread Starter

Mon Jul 3 10:46 am  #5

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

You have to consider the likelihood that you will never get an admission or proof. What you have to decide is when you have had enough and it's no longer healthy for you to stay. If he's decided to work on things then why can't he open up and be honest? Without honesty and compassion what do you have? Peace and strength.


Mon Jul 3 2:04 pm  #6

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Wow Josie,

So much distrust.. it will eat you up and gnaw at you.    These spouses.

From what you wrote...he sounds like someone with a guilty conscious.  Like
he did something wrong and is paranoid.

My ex acts super paranoid whenever I interact with her now.  Quick to jump on any word like I am accusing her of something.   And we are divorced and separated.

These spouses.   The problem with TGT is there are no take backs.. If he did something  he should be worried because if you find out there is no going back...with a straight spouse they cannot become ungay.

Lots of red flags in your story and the lack of trust , as your experiencing,  is mind boggling.    We've seen spouses do some crazy things to keep their secret.  These spouses just don't get it.. once the trust is gone the marriage is in so much trouble.  So if he goes out with a guy friend for a beer is it two buddies getting together or a date?  And why should you have to wonder.

At this point...just take things slow and steady  but be aware...snoop.

You can ask yourself why you have to should and what kind of marriage is that.  Slowly make your plans and take care of yourself and kids. Small stoic deliberate steps.  This is a serious emergency that requires serious thought and calm cool steps to protect yourself and the kids.   We people pleasers  (i am one too) did nothing wrong but give loyal fierce love.   Just maintain status quo for now and be aware of his actions more than his words..
but we aware of your own anxiety and body.. it will tell you when you've had enough  (i shook
uncontrollably at the violation of trust..I knew I couldn't go on like that).

A warm authentic hug.

Last edited by Rob (Mon Jul 3 2:05 pm)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Mon Jul 3 2:10 pm  #7

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

  I don't know if your husband was suffering from paranoid delusions from a mental condition like bipolar or was afraid someone was about to out him, but I think you ought to get the full picture of what your finances are right now.  If he was falling apart because he was afraid "things were going to come out," and he was talking to you about videos of him masturbating, and telling you that "everything I am doing I do for you and the girls" I wonder if he wasn't being blackmailed, which could certainly explain why you thing he might have "curbed anything that was going on"--not just any gay sex but the threats, too.  I don't mean to contribute to your feeling that life's gone crazy, but I think that regardless of the reason your husband began to act in so unstable a fashion, you need to make sure you are protected financially. 


Mon Jul 3 3:14 pm  #8

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Good point, OutofHisCloset. In addition to making copies of all statements for debts and assets if you are in the U.S. go to this website ( to find out how to get a free copy of your credit report so you can see if any accounts have been opened in your name that you did not authorize.

If your credit is better than his and you get credit card solicitations in the mail it is possible that he has opened one in your name to get a higher limit than he could get based on his credit history.

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

Mon Jul 3 4:30 pm  #9

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

Thank you this is all good advice.  When he went to rehab they thought maybe bipolar at first, but after I panicked over this, he said no he's not.  Don't know if he's actually not or if he just wanted me to think that.  As I said I had barely any contact with the place he was in.  In his paranoia he did think his work was out to get him.  That's who he thought bugged our house and his phone.  He thought they were setting him up to take the fall for something.  It honestly never made much sense to me and always sounded crazy.  In the end his work was nothing but supportive, but in some ways too supportive.  Someone very high up in the company ended up being the one who took care of everything in getting him to the rehab place.  They pushed for this place the whole time which I thought was weird they were so bent on him going to this place and it was across the country....This higher up ended up flying him there on the company's private plane and getting him checked in.  I have had friends comment that this seems weird and some of my husband's friends have said they don't get a good vibe from this man.  Seems shady or something.  I have even wondered if this is who an affair could be with and that is why he stepped in and got him out of town so quickly.  Also my husband never ever cries and I saw him getting teary when talking to this man on the phone and another person from their office saw him cry while talking to this man.  So either it's some sort of affair or they were into something financially that wasn't right.  Weird thing is before he left he gave me a copy of our financials and wanted me to give a copy to my dad as well.  Never could figure that out.  Financially we are fine according to that and his credit is as good if not better than mine so I don't think he would take one out in my name, but I will check.  

     Thread Starter

Mon Jul 3 7:10 pm  #10

Re: Really Starting to Wonder.....

There's a whole lot of intrigue and whether he's gay or not you don't want to find out that he's up to his eyeballs in a financial fraud. You might want to try to get several years' records on those financial accounts and see if there are deposits which seem out of the ordinary. This is the woman you do not want to be:

Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.

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