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Wed Jun 28 6:34 am  #11

Re: So new to this

"...And what in the world is wrong with me? 

Why... Am I not enough?..."

Yes, they demean us.. they think these other people are better in someway..they forsake their promises and vows..

We are enough..we are so caring and trustworthy. .our love etc is beyond their comprehension.  As others said they don't deserve us.

I long ago stopped putting myself down and thinking that way because I had her for need to jump on their band wagon of what they think is wrong with us...because it is not true.

If he is so shallow and selfish as to discard you..well..  his loss.
These spouses/ex spouses are not gods..they are not omnipotent beings..they are, dare we say it..very flawed mortals.  Some like my ex are so selfish as to be capable of infinite hurt in their  sickness or flaw.  And that I want to get far away from.  How I wish to know people like yourselves that are authentic, empathetic, and love truly and deeply with a morality that goes into your core being. 

While you feel demeaned and angry now , take that rightous anger and give your fierce love and loyalty back to yourself and kids..  these spouses don't deserve defies their understanding.  You did nothing wrong but love fiercely..they chose not to..a sad and scary thing we want to get far away from..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

Wed Jun 28 1:03 pm  #12

Re: So new to this


You are definitely doing the "Pick Me!" dance.  It's where no matter how poorly they treat you, no matter what they say, you get your SELF-esteem wrapped up on someone ELSE's opinion of you.  Now, we here all get that - we've lived that.  But that is NOT how it's supposed to work.  And we inherently know this - because we don't judge OTHER people by the same standards.  If your best friend or a colleague or acquaintance had a spouse that dumped them, you would view that as being on the spouse - NOT on your friend.  You would not think "Oh - now that they've been dumped, I see them as not being good enough."  No!  But we allow this kind of poison and untruth to creep into our OWN assessment of ourselves?  It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not healthy.  It may be your gut reaction, but it doesn't make sense. And you're going to have to fight your feelings with your head right now.  It's imperative.

You feel rejected, and most people (especially women) who are rejected look at themselves as the problem.  Society has taught us this, after all.  If we're picked on in school as children, it's because someone sees you as not good enough - either in your outward appearance, or your personality, or your abilities.  Heck, you can even be too GOOD at something and be teased - because that makes the bullies feel badly about themselves (so they deflect by re-focusing the negativity on you).  But kids are cruel - we aren't supposed to reject people because they're different than us.  We will value that trait, eventually.  And yet we STILL take that lesson from childhood and try to fix ourselves to be more acceptable - to people who are shitty to us!  I mean, think about that for a moment; we are trying to make ourselves more acceptable to people who we dislike!  We don't agree with their opinion, and yet we are STILL trying to get them to pick us?  We've been doing the "Pick Me!" dance since childhood!  But it's not good, healthy or right.

You are good enough even if he doesn't want you, Aucher.  He has decided it's HIM who's different than he was before.  He used to present himself as a straight male (even if he did have some gay experiences).  Now he's identifying as a bi trans female?  If he's identifying as a different person than before, he's of course going to have different needs and desires than he allowed himself to have as a straight male.  And he can't meet those needs with you.  NOT because you're not good enough, but because you're not fitting the mold of what he sees as the type of person who can fulfill those needs.  Let's say that since he's bi and trans female, he's wanting someone who can have sex with him while he's in female clothing and makeup, and also includes another man in the encounter.  Is that you?  If it's not, WHY would you want it to be?  He inherently knows that you are not going to be that person to him - because THAT'S.NOT.WHO.YOU.ARE.  So he has to go find people who CAN be that to him - let him express himself in that manner, and find it exciting.  It's not that you're not good enough for him - it's that he knows you won't stoop to that level in order to give him what he wants.  And you SHOULDN'T - not unless it was going to be up your alley and fulfilling.  So he's going to go look for people who can be that to him.  LET THEM be the crazy bitches who give him his sick, twisted sexual scenarios.  Because YOU'RE sure as hell not.  That's not what you signed up for.

He's blaming you because... heck - YOU blame you!  So it'll be easy to throw some more on your shoulders.  That way he can go off and feel good and justified about his shitty behavior.  He yells at you instead of himself, and he feels better.  You feel worse, which works fine for him - SOMEONE's gotta take the blame - may as well be you!

Get angry.  Sad may be necessary, but it's like brakes on a car.  It'll slow you down and stop you.  Anger is the fuel - you can burn that stuff and go 90 mph and feel like you're getting somewhere.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Thu Jun 29 5:22 pm  #13

Re: So new to this

Thank you all so much for your help and support.

I've talked to a lawyer and she said everything as far as finances are taken care of so according to our state it is just a matter of waiting it out. There is a one year separation period before you can file for divorce.

I've been strongly advised to move. Moving has always been traumatic for me. I'm discovering through counseling that this is an issue that stems from my childhood and I suppose it is good to be aware of that but still hard nonetheless.

My husband is standing by his declaration of "bi" and is now saying things like "I destroyed my beautiful family. I should have just stayed and let everyone walk all over me." I don't respond. I can't imagine what good could come of responding to such statements in either the positive or the negative.

Yesterday he went on a texting rant that included a lot of "I hate my life, I hate existing, I have love, I hate hope, I'm sick of fighting, I'm sick of fighting for myself, in sick of fighting for you, I'm sick of fighting for the kids, _________ was my favorite and he hates me now, this world is designed for us to fail so the gods can take pleasure in our pain....." I didn't respond, until it started to spiral heavily into what sounded suicidal. I did not respond through text but decided for the first time ever to just walk over to his apartment and check on him (all while he was texting this scary, manic stuff). I knocked on the door and he answered immediately, as if he were already standing right inside the door. He opened it with a smile and said "Hey! What brings you by?" I was a little surprised at this. I told him I came by to check on him. "Do you want to come in?"- he said still smiling as if NOTHING was wrong.
I stepped into his apartment and saw that his mother was sitting on the couch. She smiled at me and said hey. I said "The nature of your texting just now indicated to me that you might not be ok so I wanted to check on you." Then he said,"no, I was just hanging out here with Mom."
I just responded with "okay then, I'll let you two visit and head home." He hugged me. Said thanks for stopping by. They both smiled and said goodbye and I left.

What in the actual f*ck?!
Is this normal?!
Did any of you go through similar behaviors where your spouse or partner acted towards you like the end of the world but put a total mask on line nothing was happening at the same time?!

Please tell me I'm not the only one.

He was diagnosed bipolar a long while back and has been in denial of the diagnosis saying his ex wife had him diagnosed bipolar and that it was inaccurate. He's been off meds for almost 3 years... But it really seems maybe worse than just bipolar.

It's mental illness or this type of behavior common for these types of situations? I have no idea what to believe from anyone anymore.

     Thread Starter

Thu Jun 29 7:18 pm  #14

Re: So new to this

Might also be narcissistic manipulation with the vaguely suicidal talk. "Here's a hoop - please jump through it while my mother witnesses it." If he talks like he's going to harm himself, maybe just call 911 and keep the texts in case he tries to dismiss it as you 'over-reacting'. If he is testing your boundaries or his power over you, a knock on the door from emergency response folks might show him that this is not a subject to play mind games with and will also show him that you have only one response and it won't be to come running and check up on him personally.

Good luck, as jkpeace says, this isn't about his medical condition, it's about his actions.


Fri Jun 30 2:10 am  #15

Re: So new to this

It's interesting to read another 'trans' spouse is considered bipolar, I do wonder if this whole 'I want to act like a woman' thing is just driven by this. It's such a mindf*ck, Aucher it will take you a long time to come to terms with this, you may never understand it but time will help you to come to grips with the fact that this is not a life for you, even if you never actually understand what has happened. I'm six months post finding my ex is a crossdresser who advertised online for other crossdressers and I still shake my head in disbelief. I just don't understand it but I know I don't want it.

I wish you well, look after yourself.


Fri Jun 30 4:07 am  #16

Re: So new to this

Aucher, I would follow Daryl's advise about not responding to his "suicidal" texts except by calling 911. I went through the same thing with husband #2(not GID). When I told him I wanted to divorce, he started in with all these "woe is me" "nobody loves me" "I'm just going to end it" type emails. Since he was deployed, I couldn't go make sure he wasn't actually going to hurt himself. So, I forwarded all the emails to his supervisor and boy was he pissed when he found out I did that. Of course he wasn't suicidal. He is a literal case of NPD. He didn't try the whole pity me/suicidal angle with me again. Good luck with everything. Just remember that things will get better.


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