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1 of 1- nonnymoose
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Spouse with AIDs?
I am trying to connect with someone in a similar situation.
My story: I found out a year and a half ago that my husband has AIDs. He broke it to me over the phone when he was in the hospital. He also broke it to me that he was having sex with strange men. I have been struggling with it ever since. I feel stuck. I started to go through divorce with a lawyer, but put it on hold for financial reasons and because of the instability of his health - mental and physical. I am also putting our 2 girls ahead of all of it. Right now would be me being self-centered, like he has been all these years. It would put us in a really bad financial place. I am also scared for their health and not knowing what would be going on if I had to send them to stay with him. I feel I can protect them more from their home. It's not the AIDs that I am worried about - I know more about it than I ever thought I would need to... It's all the other infections he gets. They are 8 and 9. They are not dumb and know that our relationship is not "normal" anymore, but they just seem happy to have us both when they want us. It's also tougher trying to protect them from the truth, that they wouldn't understand - I don't even understand it. I have only ever told my brother and mother... no one else close to me knows the real truth either - which adds to the stress. He has told his family - and I have no idea who else. I worry about others finding out before my girls, and it getting back to them. I can hardly stand to look at him... besides all the lies and betrayal and how it's ripped me apart, he hasn't cut his hair or shaved in months... like he is trying to disgust me even more than I am. We don't speak more than 3 words to each other when we have to. Our main lines of communication are texts and emails when necessary. He has just become this stranger across the hall to me.
- Still Wondering
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
Hi Nonny - I'm so sorry to hear your story but glad you found us. There are a couple of people who come to this forum who have a husband with AIDS as well as have it themselves. I believe a member who goes by "selfrenewal" is someone you could talk to. I forget who the other one is - we have had a recent website change and some of the members from the old forum haven't made it over here yet.
Hang in there. Have you been tested?
- selfrenewal
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
Hi Nonnymoose. I am sorry you're here, but glad you found this group. My boyfriend (ex) of 4.5 years has AIDS and gave me HIV a little less than a year into our relationship. I didn't find out that he'd been with men until after our diagnosis. It was an extremely traumatic time, and I have a post explaining my story under the support topic.
First question, have you been tested? And your children (even if that's extremely unlikely)?
Your situation sounds tough, but it definitely will get better. Your husband was a huge jerk for breaking the news to you that way.
You mention you're scared for your children's health. Can you elaborate on what you're afraid of?
As to being afraid your children will find out, I'm not sure if I can help. I don't have children, so I can't fully understand. But, you may also consider how they'd be affected if they found out from someone else. At least if you and husband tell them you can control what they know and frame their knowledge so it gives them strength not to be embarrassed or hurt if people were cruel about it. I'd highly suggest counseling, particularly one that deals with HIV/AIDS issues. They could provide guidance on how to approach this subject, and also for your healing.
I'm not sure how much help I can provide, but I'll definitely do my best!! A year and a half is still really soon, so it's still like you're in the eye of the storm. It does get easier.
Last edited by selfrenewal (August 26, 2016 12:12 am)
- nonnymoose
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
Thank you both for your replies. Lots of viewers, but no others in the same situation with children? I thought I was alone in all of it when I first found out, but then when I found out all the men who have done the same, it's crazy... I would think there would be so many more with HIV. I am so sorry for the wives who have also tested positive because of their husbands stupid actions. That is one of the things that I am thankful for. I have tested negative twice, and it's been over a year, so I am clean. I don't feel it's necessary for my children to be tested now. The children's health is safety are my number 1 concern.
As, I said before, it's not "catching HIV" that I am worried about, it's other infections that he can get. He had an open wound for the longest time that wouldn't heal before he found out he was positive, they thought it was anything from Staph to Herpes. He hasn't had a CD4 over 200 since he found out, so he is still very susceptible to just about anything infectious you can get. Those unknowns are what I worry about for the girls health. I have seen counselors about the girls... they just say the obvious - that they are too young to understand any of that yet. No one has a good time for them to be told, though. My preference is after college, so it doesn't mess their lives up before then. But it would be sure to get back to them by then.
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Thread Starter- selfrenewal
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
Thankfully you tested negative. Agree about not testing the children now that I know a bit more.
I'm assuming he's on meds, but his CD4s haven't improved since? That seems odd, even if it raised just a few points.
If you haven't divorced, are you living separately?
I think you should direct the children's health questions to the doctors. But, I think if your children have good, non-impaired immune systems you shouldn't be worried. Staph, herpes, other viruses and bacteria are all around us, but typically only affect people with injured immune systems, or direct contact, etc. depending on the disease. Maybe when he has a communicable disese, like pneumonia, keep them with you.
Maybe the other parents on this forum can chime in about when to tell the kids. I think if I had kids I would tell them about the disease - but I come from a very open family, and I also have the disease, so being open is my default.it helps with the stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS. Since I didn't do anything wrong I refuse to be shamed for having it.
As your kids get older they'll be privy to more things and question it. Esp if your husband lives openly as gay. They may just wonder why he's always sick, or has so many doctors or meds. Just something to think about.
I hope others with kids have input. I'm sorry I can't be of help here.
Last edited by selfrenewal (August 26, 2016 2:33 pm)
- F'inglies
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
I found out about his attraction to men January 17, 2017. Since then there have been variations of lies about how much contact he has engaged in with men he met via Craigslist and Scruff, as well as a male masseuse. He claims only 4 men. He had claimed just jacking off and some limited oral. He just tested positive for HIV 3 days ago. I am devastated. I am devastated for myself, for him, for our children who are 17 and 21. We have been married 27 years. Never in a million years would I have thought he would lie and treat me this way. We started counseling in November and the lies have been unfolding. I confronted him about tgt before we started counseling. I finally found evidence and confronted him at therapist's appointment. He still lied. I pulled out the iPad with a string of his text messages with the masseuse. Finally a shred of truth came out and he admitted attraction and intent to "explore" because we got married too young and he just needed to explore this side his sexuality. Blah, blah, blah. He told me he loves only me and it was pure physical attraction for men and no emotional connection. I am numb. I am scared. I am still covering for him with lies about his illness. I have to get tested. I fucking hate what he has done to our marriage. Yet, I love him. How sick is that? Finding my own therapist so I can sort this out for myself. Just so sad, angry, confused, heartbroken, and paralyzed with what to do.
Last edited by F'inglies (June 18, 2017 6:40 am)
- Rob
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
As a regular on the site I wanted to comment.
I did get myself tested ...I had no trust in my ex. The lies and drinking...I worried there would be drugs in the home also.. trust totally shattered and gone.
I can only comisserate what horrible feeling it is at the doctors office...that they would endanger our health ...despite any words they said the fact that we need to get tested has to tell us how little they think of us and drive home the need to just get away from them. It was probably my last cry in a professionals office as I told the doctor how I blindsided I was as a faithful husband.
A warm blessing and hug on your journey away from TGT.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- selfrenewal
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Re: Spouse with AIDs?
Hi F'ingilies, sorry you are here. I haven't checked this site in a while, doing my healing in my own way, but glad to be back. My ex was also cheating on me with men on Craigslist, Grindr, backpage, manhunt...really any dirty, deplorable hookup site, and during that process he gave me HIV. I pray that is NOT the situation for you because it's the hardest road I've ever been down. Life definitely goes on, and it can be really good. It is for me now. But, if I can be of any support, or answer any questions please don't hesitate to reach out!
And I def agree with Rob, don't believe anything they say. And honestly, only believe half of what you actually see. They are skilled at deception and manipulation, even if they don't mean to be. Their life depends on them lying and hiding. Please take care of yourself.