On the flip side, what if people felt that homosexuality wasn't a wrong thing to be?  Would they hide? Would they make bad decisions and involve innocent unknowing spouses, partners and kids?  I struggled with anger for a really long time.  When I volunteered at an LGBT shelter, it became much clearer to me why people DO stay in the closet.  It's easier.  While I agree that people in our lives have lied, I don't agree with scarlet lettering.  Wouldn't it be great if we tried to get along with our exes, and they could tell things from their side, as well as us from ours?  Call me a pollyanna if you will but I doubt people wake up to hatch a plan to ruin lives.  It's life. There are a lot of issues surrounding homosexuality, which is why people are focusing on it in the media.  Yes, sometimes choices are made to hide and mask who they truly are.  But why is that?  Shame, ridicule, and being told they aren't natural are huge reasons why people try to hide, build a life that they don't really want, and end up massively affecting several lives in the process.  When forced to choose, of course they choose themselves.  To begin to live authentically and happily, one has to do that (we all are painfully aware of this). This is not unique to homosexuality. We are hateful when they lie, but hateful when they tell the truth.  To me, that's a double edged sword.  It hurts like hell, but it is necessary for everyone to live openly in order to heal, without pointing fingers about who did what to whom, how terrible people are, and how much hurt they cause(d).  Moving forward to clear, dry, land involves letting go of the anger, the lies, the cheating, the manipulation, and having hope and trust that things can be different, instead of focusing on what was.  Focus instead on what can be and how you got in such a bad space to begin with (without blaming yourself or your ex-spouse---not an easy thing).
You may now feel free to throw darts at me.  I just see things very differently from a further vantage point. 

Last edited by maresyd (June 14, 2017 5:16 am)

I agree with Phoenix.

I was never angry that my ex turned out to be gay.  I was mad that he knew all along, and didn't tell ME!  As if I didn't have the right to know that the single most basic assumption about our relationship was a lie.

I've never had any issue with other people being gay.  GO for it.  Whatever.  I have to admit that I find the thought of two men making out as gross.  But no one's asking ME to do anything I don't want to do.  Have AT it.  But don't lie to me about who you are and then leave me to deal with the fallout. It's much the same as is you found out that the person you've been married to for years has been married all along to another woman, and has another family in another state.  Suddenly, your history is re-written; you never WERE actually his wife.  You were never his only family.  Your children were not his only focus besides you.  Someone else was getting the time, money and attention that you should have been receiving.  Did they ever really love you if they didn't consider that you absolutely NEEDED to know that they were already married?  They actively lied to and deceived you to have what they wanted on the side.  You even found out that the other woman came first - she was there alllll along.  There was no reason for him to not divulge that info unless he thought of himself as more important that everyone else involved in the scenario.  NO ONE would say "But it's so difficult in this society to have multiple wives - of course he hid his desires - they were considered undesirable and unnatural and sinful."

My issue has never been with gay people.  My issue is that they marry us under false pretenses - for their own gain.  That's not right, good, or decent.  It's despicable.  None of them will get my pity.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (June 14, 2017 11:08 am)

I remember telling my spouse I knew who he was before he had the courage to tell me.  He blatantly lied to my face and said I was crazy.  I knew I wasn't.  So I left.  I loved myself more than I loved him, and I did love him.  Very much.  He was who I chose to spend my life with.  He was who I chose to leave when I knew in his heart (and mine) he could never give me what I needed.    
I didn't want to throw him a party, or give him a cake, or plaster congratulations on highway billboards. I wanted to hide under the covers and sleep all day.  Or I wanted to drive, and keep driving until I couldn't drive anymore.  I wanted to run....far away.  But I didn't.  I put my chin up, wiped my tears, and knew I would make it.  He cried and begged me to stay, and build a life, and have kids.  It was incredibly painful for both of us.  He chose to act in a different way--by lashing out at me, by telling lies about me, by isolating me from his family and our mutual friends. I offered no free passes for the choices he made.  I was angry. But I never got down in the dirt, as hard as he made it for me.   I continued walking and didn't look back until I was strong enough to face the lies head on and respond to them.  
I did not believe and still do not believe that anyone on the boards has hatred for gay people.  But there is so much anger and focus on THEM.  The ones who broke our hearts.  The ones who wronged us.  To pity them would be ridiculous.  To have empathy and compassion by trying to see where they are coming from?  Maybe not so ridiculous.  My point was more toward the fact that even though people know deep inside who they are, they want something else because of what surrounds them. Or they do something they think they are supposed to.  Or they really do love.   They believe it can work.  They love the best they know how.  And when the reality sets in of who they are and where they have ended up, they either stay in the closet forever, or they come out and radically change everyone's lives around them. And it totally is sucky, for everyone, in any case.  Our exes can't ever succeed in that venture.  Therein lies most of our lives.  
What I want for everyone here is to look forward with an open heart and mind, and to love themselves first, more than anything.  It is so vital for all of us to remember our own worth, apart from other people. To truly love yourself with all your crazy and all your flaws when you look in the mirror. When you have that your heart swells and radiates to everyone around you--family, friends, strangers.    Yes, that's what I believe, no matter how crazy I may sound. 
Peace to you all.