OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

mama1017 · April 2, 2017 8:34 am

I was married to a gay man for 14 years and did not know it. The first time my current husband met my ex (with whom I share two kids) he said, "Why did you marry a GAY guy?" I told him he was wrong, and my ex wasn't gay. What denial I was in. I spent the next five years trying to rehash our entire history and examine our every encounter and realized he is in fact gay. I couldn't believe the things I overlooked, the things I blamed myself for, the things I accepted were my fault!!! He really F-ed over my mind! I recently have started to reach out to people who knew us and they don't believe me and this is more devastating that I could have ever imagined. We have been divorced almost 10 years and I still feel tormented! I still have such a sense of betrayal and depression--which is only compounded by feeling that no one understands me or what I have been through. My ex husband stopped wanting sex right after we married--we did not even have sex on our honeymoon! He started to nit-pick and emotionally abuse me and push me away from day one. We fought and fought and he always blamed me or my cooking or cleaning or my weight. I believed it all; I thought I was defective and I tried harder . . . I walked on eggshells. I thought if I was thinner he would love me. Many years into the marriage he would only have sex with me once a month--boring, passionless sex and only when he wanted it--never when I did. Once I told him I wanted sex and he masturbated right in front of me and refused to have sex with me. He would not sleep in the same bed as me for years . . . wouldn't even say goodnight most of the time. I was utterly lonely and alone. Once I saw him flirting with a man . . . which unbelievably I excused away! He is still in the closet and he lies, lies lies. He stole 15 years of my life and he doesn't care. He has turned my family against me and he makes himself out to be the victim---WHAT??? I am so distraught.

Last edited by mama1017 (April 2, 2017 8:37 am)

maresyd · April 2, 2017 10:00 am

mama1017,

After reading what you wrote, I'm hoping your current husband is offering some support and not blaming you.

Get a counselor to talk to. You're in shock. Be assured that everyone here reading your post sees a familiar story. People may never understand or accept what you went through, especially if he's still in the closet. But this is your life, how you feel and what you experienced DOES matter. Just understand that even if you scream it from the rooftops, people may not understand or believe you. It doesn't mean it didn't happen.
There will be if there isn't already, a rollercoaster of emotion. But the best you can do for yourself is FORGIVE. Forgive yourself for not "knowing", stop the madness.

Trust me, we all get it here. Glad you found us.

Abby · April 2, 2017 1:48 pm

Whatever the reasons your ex-husband was a rat bastard the glorious fact is that he is your ex. His rejection and cruelty are behind you and hopefully you are loved and respected in your current marriage.

Looking backwards too much can result in you missing out on the present and could be a stumbling block to your relationship with your new husband. (Worst case scenario is that your self-esteem was so low that you married another man who cares only for himself and you are in another bad place.)

Talking with a counselor can help you learn from the past and enable you to move beyond it. It can help you with your present marriage and also may help you find ways to relate to your family even if your ex never acknowledges he is gay.

.

phoenix · April 3, 2017 7:28 am

Hi mama1017,

Thanks for signing up, but sorry you find yourself here.

It's earth-shattering to find out that so many years of your life was given to a fraud. I'm glad you are in a new marriage and hopefully very happy about your life today and your future. Even so, the damage done in our past needs to be dealt with so that you can heal. That kind of emotional abuse that you described will have long term effects on a person. You were truly abused. It was not your fault!

I'm curious to know if you've talked to your current husband about this. I imagine some people would keep a past like this a secret, but I think it would be good for you to share these things with him so that he can help you and support you.
As mentioned, I would encourage you to find a therapist that you can talk to so that you can start to process those wounds from your past.

If you stick around (I hope you do) after you've had a chance to process your past, I think you could be a big help to our group by sharing your experiences with your past marriage to a gay man in denial vs. your new marriage. We have a couple other people who can share these viewpoints and I think they are so helpful to those of us who wonder if we can look forward to a real marriage and wonder what it would be like to be married to a straight person.

Kel · April 3, 2017 9:49 am

Hi Mama,

I'm worried about your current marriage more than anything. Do you feel loved and accepted by your current husband? Cherished, respected, protected? If so, then you will need to deal with your issues from your ex very soon, and aggressively. Otherwise you run the risk of your current husband thinking that HE cannot make you happy - which for a good honest man who loves you, is their WHOLE.GOAL. If they cannot do that, they will not feel necessary. Whether right or wrong, that's just how they work. If all you can focus on is a man from your past, that speaks volumes to your current husband.

I assume that you and your ex divorced over other things since you didn't know he was gay until afterward. I mean, it's entirely possible that you divorced over the things CAUSED by the gay, but just didn't know they were symptoms of the gay thing. Regardless, you weren't getting what you wanted out of that relationship, and it ended. Were you ever able to fall out of love with your ex? Had you moved on by the time you met your current husband? Did you fall in love and marry this husband for the right reasons, or do you feel like you rebounded? I guess what I'm asking is...... why are you more concentrated on the past relationship than the current one?

It's very common for many of us here to find out our ex was gay and then feel like our old life was all a lie - inauthentic and fake. I have looked at pictures of us together and thought, "Did he know here? We LOOK happy, but we weren't - because he never really wanted me. It's like highjacking our memories. But..... DON'T let your ex steal your PRESENT, too! Don't let him ruin ANOTHER marriage. If you love they man you're with, fight for that relationship. Do whatever it takes to process the past and move one to a healthier place for the man you're with.

Kel

awake · May 19, 2017 2:22 pm

Mama, I'm just curious..how did your current husband know he was gay? What signs did he give?

cw · May 20, 2017 3:41 am

Hi. I just found this website & hope this is the right place to type my message.

3 days ago I somehow found email messages on the computer (I don't know the password so have no idea why I got his email & not mine) where my husband of 30 years was responding to personal ads, describing his genitals to men & saying what he wanted to do. Then there were messages between him & someone who apparently liked the description of his genitals. He told this guy to come to our house, & in another message said he wanted him to meet his wife (me) I asked him about this & he said he'd been having gay sex for about 2 years "because he was horny." He said it was just one guy & they didn't use condoms. He said I met this person--I remembered him coming over too-he seemed really friendly & I think my husband said this guy was there to learn how to make ukuleles, which my husband was making at the time. He said he was a friend of a friend. Why would he want this guy to meet me? So now I'm getting an HIV test & my husband says he's going to stop seeing this guy. I told him don't bother because I can't believe anything you tell me anyway (& I'm not going to have sex with him anymore) He says he's sorry & he wants to make it up to me. That doesn't make sense to me...he risked my health & our kids' futures for 2 years, clearly he's never cared about us. I told him I see now that it's dangerous for me to trust him on anything (I've always been very gullible & he's never had any problem with taking advantage of it.) The thing is, I don't want to get a divorce...he wants to make up, but will he still want to when I tell him I'm not having sex with him EVER again? It sounds like most couples in our situation do split up....but he's pretty easy to get along with, even now, & our kids are fairly young. But I don't want to get HIV & he doesn't do well with condoms.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't even know what I should be asking. I think I'm kind of dazed.

Rob · May 20, 2017 5:48 am

CW,

Welcome to the forum that none of thought we would be joining.

Your story sounds frantic but rightly so...it is a shock to find that our spouses were not honest and kept a horrible secret from us.

Take a breath a breathe...you need time to process this. First you did nothing wrong and your husband is wrong...so wrong...please don't fall into the trap of fear and doubt that it paralyzes you...You're doing great because. . Second , yes take necessary step; get tested and stop going near him. This is a fundamental thing to do..dont let him tell you otherwise...I don't know about your husband but if I had went to my now ex wife and told her I had been cheating and having sex with anyone or any thing she would have no problem telling me to go rot in hell. (In my case she was the one doing this and still she made like I was the one who did something wrong)

Start taking baby steps for yourself and kids...you did the first by getting tested.

I urge you to sleep elsewhere in the home..not near him...and emotionally distance yourself from him so you can process this. Do not let fear of seperating cloud your judgement of his bad and morally wrong behavior. We can tolerate many bad things from our spouses. ..we love them. But there are some things..taboos...that they should not cross and we should not tolerate.

Be kind to yourself..start building your support system. One day at time.. your kids will need an emotionally strong mother that puts them first and is not cheating on the family keeping horrible secrets..

A kind hug.

Duped · May 20, 2017 1:34 pm

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:51 pm)

Shari · May 21, 2017 11:06 pm

Cw,
You are in shock. Divorce is not always the answer so if you are unsure, don't assume that's your only choice. Take time to digest. Ask for whatever you need. Post and visit here (and possibly some other groups) often.
I'm so sorry that you are having to be a part of this club, but happy you found us!!

Index
» Support
» New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

April 2, 2017 8:34 am #1

New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

April 2, 2017 10:00 am #2

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

April 2, 2017 1:48 pm #3

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

April 3, 2017 7:28 am #4

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

April 3, 2017 9:49 am #5

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

May 19, 2017 2:22 pm #6

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

May 20, 2017 3:41 am #7

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

May 20, 2017 5:48 am #8

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

May 20, 2017 1:34 pm #9

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

May 21, 2017 11:06 pm #10

Re: New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

Index
» Support
» New here, need support which I don't usually ask for . . . so sad

Board footera