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May 19, 2017 2:49 pm  #21


Re: All my fault...

No need to be sorry Duped.   I find everyone's information is helpful.  Even if it doesn't have anything directly to do with my situation, just reading what is our had gone on with others helps me greatly. 

Kel, of course I know you are right.   I have the first lawyer picked out already that I want to talk to.  Now I just need to call.   I just keep reminding myself that I'm not really doing my children any favors by staying.

 

May 19, 2017 4:01 pm  #22


Re: All my fault...

Yeahhhh, it gets to where you aren't weighing "keeping family intact" against "breaking family apart" any more.  It's more like "Being able to say we stayed together" vs. "Giving them a better model for their future relationships".  Once I realized that the choices weren't *good vs. bad* that I started to see the options differently.  For me, it was more like, "teach them that appearing happy was more important than being happy" vs. "Give them a blueprint for what to aspire to."  I was SO reluctant to break us all up.  Keep in mind that for me, I was not only removing my kids' father from the home, but also his mother.  My youngest - who at that point in time was seven - didn't even remember Grandma not having lived with us (despite the fact that it had been only 3 years).  In addition, another family friend was living with us then, too.  I was removing THREE adults from my kids' lives by deciding to separate from my ex.  And that likely meant moving to a different home, a different neighborhood different schools, friends, neighbors, teachers.  I couldn't see any way around it.  But bottom line was that I was going to explode.  That wasn't MORE important than the kids.  But if I wound up going off the deep end, THEY wouldn't exactly have a good life after that, anyway.  I hate to feel so central to my kids' well being, but that's just how it was.

Now..... I wound up staying in the same house, same schools, same car, same neighbors, same friends.  My current boyfriend moved in, and that's how my life stayed largely the same.  For a while after my ex left, both my former MIL and the family friend continued to live there - for another 8 months, actually.  My former mother-in-law died about a year and half later (cancer).  The family friend who lived with us died of a drug overdose even before MIL died.  In reality, if I'd let allll those unknowns make me stay, the people who I was afraid of removing from my kids' lives would have been gone, anyway.  My ex wasn't gone from anything except the house.  The kids began to see over time how little he actually interacts with them vs. just being around them.  He always had, but they hadn't noticed.  NOW they do.

And now they have a much better model for both a father, a marriage, and a man.  My ex could have shown them how to be a good man, but he just.... didn't.  He's just floating along in life, like he's sleepwalking to his kids' adulthood.  My current husband is intentional.  My son told me that I laugh so much more now.  My daughter told me that she's glad things wound up the way they did.  I was Sooooo scared to blast that family apart.  And in the end, the family wound up much better than if I'd stayed.

They have a better knowledge of a good woman and wife, too.  I'm much happier this way, and much better at showing my husband respect and loving actions.  Those were rebuffed in my old relationship.  So they see a better me now, too.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (May 19, 2017 4:03 pm)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

May 19, 2017 5:29 pm  #23


Re: All my fault...

Bec you wrote;  ".. I know that divorce is the only real option but making that call to a lawyer seems so hard.  I just keep thinking of all the chaos that will follow..."


I hear you Bec and even though I went though this I'm not going to sit here and say it was all easy.  I looked for a lawyer in a fog of despair.  I knew it had to done.
The one place ..a cold horrible place with a cold indifferent lawyer said I should get myself mental help because I was crying.  I see now that divorce is a business transaction.  An empathetic lawyer is nice but you don't want to pay their rates for empathy. ..find a personal therapist and phychiatrist for that.  Look for a lawyer specializing in divorce.

Like opening a bank account the act of visiting a lawyer is just another necessary baby step that our spouses  instagated..it is pomp and circumstance.  Our spouses long ago initiated our doing this with their decisions and actions.

Scary yeah.  My dad watched as my hand shook signing the retainer.  But my lawyer was necessary and worth every penny for me and the kids. 

If your house is on fire you call the fire department.  It is an emergency.  If you find your spouse gay or , in my case, gay and cheating on you it is an emergency..you call a lawyer...and any other help you can get.

Scary but necessary.

Sending a strong warm hug.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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