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May 7, 2017 11:53 am  #1


Divorce lawyer or mediator?

It's time for me to face the facts and tell my GID husband I don't want to be married anymore. I don't have any close divorced friends to ask for help.

Do you all have opinions on lawyers vs. mediators? Did you ask your spouse to go with you, or did you go alone? Did you separate by moving out, or did you ask the spouse to leave? Or did you live in different parts of your house?

Our assets are fairly evenly split so that may be pretty easy to figure out. How much does a divorce even cost? Did you pay a lot at the beginning? Any input is welcome.

 

May 7, 2017 2:50 pm  #2


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

Usually you pay retaining fee to hire the lawyer. ..2500 to 5000.
Then they start using that up as the divorce drags on..it can be 2 to three times that if you have an evil spouse like I did.
If your spouse is agreeable it need not cost that much..some people can file the papers themselves if that is the case. 

But the lawyers know...you have one chance to get it right if your spouse us trying to take everything away from you including the kids..  then, as was my case, it was worth every penny.

Last edited by Rob (May 7, 2017 2:50 pm)


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 7, 2017 9:13 pm  #3


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

Hello Stonehouse - If you are in a larger metropolitan area, where there are many lawyers, it could be well worth your while to go and see a number of them for what is often a free half hour consultation.  You can learn a lot in that half hour, not only if you are compatible, but also a lot about divorce and believe it or not, some of the same stuff you might otherwise get from a therapist.  Divorce lawyers (those who do family law on a regular and exclusive basis, not lawyers who "throw in" a divorce with the other stuff they do), are a unique breed and they actually know quite a bit about the "therapist" side of things.  They have acquired their knowledge differently, but they absolutely know the ins and outs of the situation.  They won't be as "touchy-feely" because they are focused on the legal issues, but that does not mean they are not aware of the psychological side and cannot or do not give advice on that level.  It will just be more matter of fact and perhaps blunt than what you would get with a therapist.  If you can, do go to many of those free half hour consultations, or even pay for an hour with different lawyers here and there, before deciding on anything.  What you learn in this process will turn out to be invaluable for your future.

Also, do not trust that everything will stay as amicable as it might seem now.  When it gets down to the real thing, it is amazing how things can change, even if you think things are "fairly even" and "easily split".  Be prepared for a real change in his tone and personality and for a hassle.  Maybe it won't happen, but do be prepared and assume that it will happen.

All the best and good luck.


"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
 

May 8, 2017 8:38 am  #4


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

Stonehouse

This is a hard question because everyone's situation and legal needs and relationship with their soon-to-be-ex is different.  So you might get very different advice and all of it is good and correct.. just for different people. 

My story:  I sat my ex down at the kitchen table and told her "this can go one of two ways.  We can sit down here in a few sessions and talk through everything and come to agreements amicably or we can each hire attorneys, spend $10-15k each, drag the divorce out for a long time, hate each other and make things worse for the kids, and still have to make the same decisions between us in the end.  Which way do you want to do this?"

I made two lists.   1.) Things we agree on.   2.)  Things we still need to talk through.    Note that my second list wasn't "Disagree"..  I kept things worded positively.   In our first discussion we agreed on all but 3 things.  Over the next couple days we worked out 2 of the other 3. 

We chose to go to mediation even though we technically didn't need it.  We could have agreed on everything together and written it up and been fine.  But, we both agreed that it would be good to have a neutral 3rd party who was experienced in divorce law to help us think of things we had not yet considered.  We wanted to make sure we weren't missing any big topics that might turn into fights later.   

We had a 3 hour mediation session.. come to full agreement, had them type it up and we both signed.   I took it to the judge the next day to submit. 

Having the mediation agreement in place allowed me to take nearly 3 months off the mandatory (not so mandatory) waiting period and we pushed the divorce through quickly. 


All considered, we spent $250 on the state fees and $500 on mediation.   


But, I was fortunate.  I moved very quickly to get things done early in the process while we were still amicable.  If I had waited a couple more months it would not have worked out the same.   I submitted the agreement to the judge early which meant it was basically done.. no changes to be considered later.  At least this is what she thought.   Technically nothing is done until the gavel falls and the judge signs the decree..  Still i walked on pretty thin ice for a while.. I was very careful and calculated in what buttons I pushed while waiting for the case to be finalized because I didn't want to have her go off the handle and hire an attorney and make things a mess.   I was also very generous financially with her.  I could have made a very strong legal case to go after some inheritance money she had and to go after some pension funds.. but I chose not to do that because I wanted to keep the peace and be reasonable.   Finally I had some leverage on her because she didn't want the cause of our divorce to be public. I used that to my advantage in one conversation early on and then never had to bring it up again. 



So what should you do???

I would start at the kitchen table.  Make two lists and figure out what you agree on vs. "not yet".  Don't argue over the "not yet".. just write it down and come back to it later.   Start with kids and custody if you have them.  Then go to finances (assets and debts), alimony/spousal support, then personal possessions.

When you are done with your initial lists.. take a look at how long the agree list is vs. the disagree list.  If you only have a few items you don't yet agree on.. then you are perfect for mediation.  The mediator will help you discuss the items that are still in question and help you make an agreement. 

If mediation doesn't work and you feel like you are being taken advantage of.. then you need to get an attorney. 
If you don't feel like you can handle the stress of the situation.. get an attorney. 
If you don't have any confidence in the laws of your state and you don't even know where to start.. get an attorney. 
If you don't think you trust your partner to be amicable long enough to get a mediation agreement in place.. get an attorney. 


Otherwise, I think it's wise to sit together first and go through as much as you can.  This will save a lot of money.  Use the mediator to help hash out the items you don't agree on initially.  If that still doesn't work, then hire attorneys..  
 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 8, 2017 8:47 am  #5


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

Phoenix,

Your ex must be a saint.   I could not deal with my ex raging and screaming..  at me, the lawyers, everyone.
My standard reply was have your lawyer talk to my lawyer, this could be over tomorrow.   Even though we lived in the same house.   My lawyer was not afraid of her and could stand up for me from a perspective based on reality.. ...ie  no you are not entitle to money until he's buried in the ground.

 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 8, 2017 9:22 am  #6


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

lol.. saint is a relative term.   She lied to me about her sexuality, stole 16 years of my life, rejected me constantly and destroyed my self-esteem, fell in love with another woman (married no less), lied to me about it over and over when I felt like something was wrong, then cheated on me and left me for her.  So yeah.. she's a real saint!

But it could have been worse.  I think you win the prize on that one. 

My ex was not outright abusive to me.  She didn't scream at me directly and she didn't call me names.  I never gave her anything to scream about.  (I'm not implying that you did).   

She also didn't try to go after me with greed for money or possessions.  She was very fair (for the most part).  I think despite her incredibly selfish decisions she genuinely cared for me and wanted me to be happy in the future so she didn't try to ruin me financially.  

Because she was reasonable i was able to handle my own divorce without attorneys in a quick and amicable fashion.  The business end of it at least.   There are emotional scars that run deep and will forever.. but from a business standpoint the divorce was successful. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 8, 2017 9:49 am  #7


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

When the hubs and I split (not my current guy situation) I did what Phoenix did with a twist. I retained a lawyer for my protection and treated the situation as a mediation between the two of us. My exact words to him were, look, we can work this out like sane adults, or I can have my lawyer nuke your ass in court for so long there will be nothing left to split or take away after the attorney fees are paid on both sides. Your choice.

In the event he stopped cooperating with me or started jerking me around, he would have heard, my lawyer will be contacting yours. And that would have been it.

Cost for me was approximately $3,000.

 

May 8, 2017 11:34 am  #8


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

I used my company's legal plan to divorce.  Dh and I had a pretty easy split.  We held no property, we had very little debt except for his new student loans, which he assumed.  Our biggest issue was custodial stuff - working out holidays and the like.  It wasn't difficult.  In the end, I essentially wrote the whole thing myself and the lawyer relayed it over to the other lawyer and we had a few back-and-forths to come to agreement on.  When we walked into court, we had already signed the paperwork saying that we agreed to everything.  The judge essentially just stamped the paperwork and we were done.

My legal plan costs me $10 a month.  All I paid for the actual divorce was the $650 or so in filing fees, etc.  Actual court costs.  I paid it all because ex said he didn't have the money.  Neither did I, but I wasn't letting a few bucks stop me from dumping his ass!  Lol!

Kel


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
 

May 10, 2017 5:36 pm  #9


Re: Divorce lawyer or mediator?

Mediation was how we chose to split as GIDX is a lawyer and he knew it would cost us both a lot more if we hired lawyers.  We probably saved 10K just doing it via a mediator.  So really the more you can agree on the better, but also it doesn't have to be amicable to mediate the way things go....that is the mediators job! 

I did hire a lawyer for an review of the agreement just to make sure it was not unfair to me.  Our sons are all adults, and we went for a clean break - so no maintenance.  I felt mediation was much quicker than using lawyers, but then it must vary widely.

Good luck....

 

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