Like Foolme, I too think that it might take having children of their own before some of our adult children actually begin to realize the true nature of these situations.  So far neither of mine have been all that keen on having children, and I have wondered sometimes if it isn't ultimately related to the gay thing and the fact that on some level they realize it would change how they see the parental relationship, family life, marriage, etc.  Time will tell.

Thanks to all of you that have responded.

Another child graduated this weekend and its business as usual. Gay ex-husband is charming them all and I'm pushed  to the back of the bus. 

To answer some of the comments above-

To Lake Breeze-I don't really know what the truth will do to my relationship with my young adult children. As you say, they still may stay aloof. The wedding is six months away, so it wouldn't be like springing it on them and adding to the stress of the ramp up to the wedding. I do agree that future mother in law  was WAAAAAY out of line lecturing me on my 'behavior' and telling me I needed counseling so that my behavior would not effect the celebration. 
I did get into a heck of an argument  with my oldest this weekend over all of this.The gay stlil wasn't placed on the table. This child tells me that she cannot understand my anger, cant be expected to pick sides [I never asked her to]  and some other comments from her were that no mater what happened, she'll ALWAYS have a strong relationship with her Dad and nothing I say will ever have an effect on that-why can't you [me] just move on??? And that I need to leave the future on laws out of it. Of course, the future in-laws, children and their significant others are wined, dined, hosted at his [formerly my  precious] house, taken on fabulous vacations and given all the money there need for education, cars, entertainment. I haven't mentioned his horrendous treatment of me in the divorce, leaving me with far less than half of the assets we both accumulated over the years. You'd think that at least gay ex would feel some compassion and leave you in a place of financial comfort after what they've put us through, but no. Torture me that way too! 
This argument with my eldest yesterday ended with my saying that I intend to add the truth to the equation and that I believe that its up to them to decide how to handle things after truth is added to the equation. No response to that. She hasn't talked to me since.Today at the graduation she, her SO and gay ex arrived, sat down at the front of the auditorium and ignored me completely for the 6 hours this commencement lasted. The whole group including the graduate are now out having a fabulous dinner together. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE? 
 

Hello,
Without revealing too much identifiable information, answers are:
 Divorced now about a year after a contentious divorce. Even the divorce attorneys and judge commented on how difficult gay ex-husband was to deal with. When you are a pillar of the community and see yourself as a fine upstanding citizen, you feel threatened with any criticism. He was so irritated that he had to follow the legal rules and was above it all. He felt that he was entitled to do anything his heart desired. And just because he'd had secret anonymous liasons with countless nameless men since he was a teen didn't mean he was GAY!  He had these encounters because he' just wanted to have someone to touch'. I didn't know about his sexcapades and BEGGED HIM for years for sex with no success.He didnt want to touch a woman, only men, but he is not GAY! haha
The children were never given a reason [by me] for the divorce. Ex told them that I left him for no apparent reason and that he was shocked.
The divorce occured just after the last child left for college.
The future mother- in- law is a real prize isn't she? Of course she thinks her child's soon to be  father-in-law is a pillar of the community !  
This whole thing is so perverse. I'm thinking of getting two therapists, one for each of my kids and telling my kids in front of both therapists who will be able to support them and deflect the sh##storm that will undoubtedly be unleashed on me because these kids are not going to want to believe the truth. 
 

Hello,
I plan to tell them that I was indeed trying to protect them by not telling them the reason for the divorce, but now my relationship with them has been tainted. My children  HAVE chosen sides without knowing the truth.
I too wondered about them thinking I was making it up in order to get back in good graces by tainting their feelings toward 'pillar of society'.
The person who did our marriage counseling was extremely disturbed about the whole situation and even called to check on me several after we stopped attending counseling.  I dragged gay ex into counseling and confronted him about a heterosexual affair after finding condoms and all of the other usual clues to an affair. To my absolute HORROR he confessed to anonymous sex with men since he was a teen including during our entire marriage and while i was pregnant, So actually he not only put my health at risk but my unborn children too! Nice guy!
I talked to marriage counselor about this situation and the counselor has agreed to sit in when I tell my children. I guess Ill tell my kids that the counselor cannot divulge details of our counseling, but is not going to sit there while I lie to my children about something of this magnitude. I also have a sworn notarized statement that my attorney had me produce during the divorce which outlines his activities. This document was submitted to the court and sealed a couple of years ago. 
As far as the future mother in law and her telling me to seek therapy- I have been a saint when it comes to negative comments about the gay ex. I have said nothing negative to my children about their Dad until this weekend when I told them that they needed the truth about the cause of divorce because I was not  going to have my relationship with them ruined when they did not know the truth. I did call him a jackass under my breath just one time when i did not know my daughter was standing behind me. The future mother in law, in same conversation in which I was told to seek therapy, told me that ex husband is very , very mad at me. 
This 'Pillar'  , I swear, has everyone eating out of his hands. There is far far more devious stuff that he has done , all after I made my discovery. He is I think attempting to intimidate and control me with his manipulations. The marriage counselor was initially very concerned for my safety and told me to never be alone with him, never get in a car with him and never eat/drink anything he had prepared. 

Hi angry, I'm sorry if you felt I was pressurising you to divulge identifiable information, that wasn't my intention. I was just trying to get a clearer understanding of your situation.

Is the PILLAR not ever worried that any of his random "conquests" might out him if he's known locally? That baffles me, he's letting everyone think you're the crazy ex wife and all along he has a string of men who he knows nothing of their personal circumstances or if any of them could have reasons to blackmail him or just out him for the sake of it. Has he ever asked you not to divulge his secret life? Was that written into your divorce agreement or is he just relying on your good nature to keep quiet?

I think telling your children in presence of the marriage counsellor is a good idea, that's great thinking on your part. Re the sealed document you could tell them there's a sealed document the courts have seen outlining entire details, just don't disclose the exact contents of it. If they insisted on not believing you suggest seeking a court order to have them view the document, let them see you'd go to great lengths to show you were protecting them from the real truth until you feel you can't any more.

I honestly don't know how you've managed to stay without speaking of him negatively for the past few years, it has to be eating you up inside. The truth has to come out for your future and your future with your children. The more you go on without telling them the more they see you as the crazy one and the more he has them eating out of his hand.

It's a very difficult situation. I think for you it's great the marriage counsellor agreed to have you tell the children in their presence and wish you all the best with it.