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April 29, 2017 6:45 pm  #1


Advice about the kids

Ok so I keep going back and forth.
She wants to co-parent our kids. I honestly don't know if I can. There is a part of me that when it is time for the divorce I want to go for full custody. I am torn because I don't want to take the kids from her but at the same time. I don't think I can handle when she starts bringing dates home  plus she has started doing to them what she has done to me when I try to express my feelings she snaps ignores them and says they are attacking her. I have told her on a number of occasions that no one is attacking her. They are trying to tell you how this is affecting them. No they are attacking me and trying to play us against each other. Also I feel like she resents the relationship and having the kids which is a really crappy thing to think about your spouse. At my wits end. So advice has co parenting worked for you? Or did you go for full custody?

Last edited by Demons-halo (April 29, 2017 6:56 pm)

 

April 30, 2017 8:24 pm  #2


Re: Advice about the kids

My ex and I coparent 50/50. I don't like it either but they need to have their relationship with their mother and I'm not going to force them away from her. It works well, I just make sure to shut down any conversation she tries to initiate beyond the nuts and bolts of co parenting.

 

May 1, 2017 5:59 am  #3


Re: Advice about the kids

First full custody is expensive to go for and sadly in my state they favor the mom.  I would really need to show the wife  is a axe murderer to get full custody.  The courts here do not consider gay to be of any consequence. 

But therein lies the evilness of TGT and these spouses..the most hurt and evil you'll feel..the lowest point in your life will not be the wife being gay or even cheating on you..it will be her trying to take the kids away from you..as if that is normal or humane.
I recall my ex asking me as we divorced in silence.."are you asking for full custody?"   No I said that would be too expensive.
I did not tell her I could not do that.  The fact that she thought me capable of that was sad... 

If you think about the kids ...they need a mom and a dad..  they don't care where mom and dad live..they just want a mom and a dad and to know they are loved.
We still have a use for these spouses...they can be the mother/father for our kids.  No we don't approve of their lifestyle and we lose the kids to some of that.  But the kids need not lose a parent..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

May 1, 2017 8:56 am  #4


Re: Advice about the kids

This is a hard situation DH.   It's actually the most stressful thing in my life right now.

It's hard advice to take, but I think you have to try to step back and think about this from the kids perspective first.  Do you think it's best for them to have their mother removed from their life?  Unless she is endangering them, I think it would make their lives worse.  So i think you need to be open to some kind of sharing agreement. 

I'm struggling with this as well.  My ex left me for a married woman with a child and a history of drug abuse and suicidal tendencies.. oh and someone with no morals as proven by her adulterous affair.  This is the last human being on earth that I want around my children.  I made her agree to 8 months before she had the other woman move in.. but we're at 5 months now and she is apparently violating the agreement.  So i'll most likely be speaking with the court soon.   It's just a bad situation..  but I'm doing what I can to protect my kids to the best of my ability.  We are currently 50/50.. but I might push to get a higher %.  Still, I wouldn't try to go 100% because the kids need to have a relationship with their mother. 

I would encourage you to keep a parenting journal.  Make an entry every evening.  Mention what interactions you had and if something concerning happened, make notes about it.  This can be extremely valuable if you need to have some difficult conversations with the courts over custody. 

 


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

May 1, 2017 9:35 am  #5


Re: Advice about the kids

That's great advice thanks

     Thread Starter
 

May 3, 2017 11:37 pm  #6


Re: Advice about the kids

Demons-halo,

Please let me share my experience with you.
I would take 100% custody of my kids if I could!!!

I needed to get away from my GXH because of 
his deceit (having an affair with his boyfriend for 7 years before I discovered TGT),
and his lack of empathy,
his mind-games,
directing every conversation back to himself,
his victim mentality,
his sense of injury (then anger) if I questioned him,
his tricks of give/take back,
the hatred in his eyes,
the deadness in his heart...
I could go on and on. 

I got away slowly.
I AM NOW FREE, FINALLY!
But my kids are still mostly powerless against GXH's wishes.
No matter what the court documents say, my GXH does whatever he wants when he has the kids.
Never have I felt so powerless!
I could fight it in court, but I understand that I would lose everything financially.
My GEH would never let me "win".

So now I do NOT agree with the idea that kids need
both a mom and a dad, NO MATTER THE PARENT'S BEHAVIOR.
I mean, do you think a kid needs a dad if he's a pedofile?
Does a kid need his dad if he's an abusive alcoholic?
There has to be a limit
to what kind of person I have to give my kids to.

My GXH is confusing and causes emotional pain to those around him.
I used to think he was a good dad, but as my kids have gotten older, they tell me of the stuff he's done to them.
It is the same flavor of things he did to me. And I CAN'T BE there with them to protect them.

I do think my kids see through him more as they get older,
but my youngest (13) is still being victimized by his dad's manipulations.
My youngest son told me he'd like to stay with me all the time,
but that STAYING WITH ME would make his dad SO SAD. 
I tell him again how dad is responsible for dad's feelings,
I am responsible for my feelings, and he (my son)
is only responsible for his own feelings, not dad's.
But GXH's manipulation is more powerful than my teachings.

The only thing good about my son having to spend time with his dad is...
NOTHING!
Who needs to spend time with a monster, and internalize it ???

If I had 100% custody of my kids,
I would let them spend time with their dad as much as THEY want, not as much as HE wants.
But, I would have the ability to keep them (protect them) if they did NOT want to go with dad that week.

My oldest kid is away at college.
The middle kid has simply refused to go to her dad's for the last year and a half (she has STRENGTH!).
And the youngest struggles on, living one week with Dad, and then one week with me.

Now that my GXH doesn't control me, 
he wants to get his emotional supply from the kids.

That has been my experience.
HopeSprings

 

May 3, 2017 11:51 pm  #7


Re: Advice about the kids

Wow HopeSprings. Thanks for sharing I appreciate it. I don't know what to do yet. Had a incident today that I all ready wrote about. I don't want them to hate their mom. But she just seems so distant and self absorbed some times her personality towards me and them has changed and I know they can see it. When we were married and they were younger she was overly protective had them glued to her side. But since coming out she's changed into more they can fend for themselves. It's like it just happened out of nowhere. But at the same time she won't listen to how they feel about everything because they are attacking her. I really am at a loss.

Last edited by Demons-halo (May 3, 2017 11:51 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

May 5, 2017 11:47 pm  #8


Re: Advice about the kids

Demons-halo,
Does she, or has she ever shown empathy for others?
Does she have the ability to look at something from another person's perspective, and know how they might be feeling?
HopeSprings

 

May 6, 2017 5:21 am  #9


Re: Advice about the kids

HopeSprings wrote:

Demons-halo,
Does she, or has she ever shown empathy for others?
Does she have the ability to look at something from another person's perspective, and know how they might be feeling?
HopeSprings

I know this question is for DemonsHalo.  But it's so well asked.  For my gay ex
.NO..just no. No ability to put herself in anothers shoes.

Thinking back it wasn't just the in the end .. I do not recall her being very empathetic with me or the kids throughout the entire marriage.  For example I always had to comfort the kids if they were having meltdowns..listening and empathizing.  She was more harsh telling them to stop it
. that they were wrong for being upset or (more likely) blaming anyone and everyone that they were upset.
It makes me feel very foolish now  that I thought this was normal.

Certainly in end if they never directed this at us before  this lack of empathy can be frightening..almost demonic. 
I thing for a gay spouse it serves several purposes...it deflects attention from TGT....and it puts us on defensive.  I can vividly remember being told not to cry in front of the kids ..that there was something wrong with me. 

I hope we all learn to see this...to not let our love for our spouses blind us to what is wrong and inhumane behaviour.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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