Lisa4kids wrote:

Nutmeg0516 wrote:

Hi Sean! I have a question-how did you people in your situation perform with their wives sexually? Sorry if that's too personal-I am only wondering because that's what threw me I guess. If he didn't seem to enjoy it sometimes or finish I think I would have been more suspicious

See now, mine just closed his eyes and hurried up. I could have been a blow up doll for all he cared.  There wasn't any intimacy or sensual moments.  I could see how it would be even more confusing if the sex was good.  My husband even acknowledges that the sex wasn't good but he blames me for it.  Hahahaha.  Funny thing is, I never had any complaints before him.

 
HA! I wouldn't say the sex was good. It was in the beginning then got pretty routine.

Thank you for posting Lisa and Nutmeg. In reply: 

"I have a question-how did you people in your situation perform with their wives sexually? Sorry if that's too personal-I am only wondering because that's what threw me I guess. If he didn't seem to enjoy it sometimes or finish I think I would have been more suspicious." 

This question doesn't bother me at all and I may have even written about it before. I met my girlfriend when I was 18, married in my late 20s, and divorced in my 40s. I think I was just happy to be having sex in my teens, "I'M HAVING SEX!!!!", maintained some interest in sex in my 20s, but then starting losing interest in heterosexual sex in my 30s. We only had sex a few times a year in my 40s and divorced not long after. 

What follows is purely my opinion based on my own relationship experience and what I've read here. So please interpret what I'm about to share accordingly. I believe that a gay man can maintain some degree of sexual interest in a woman until he starts exploring and then acting on his homosexual feelings. I maintain that I was born gay and first felt sexually attracted to other boys around age 5 or 6. But I was scared to act on it. Sex with my girlfriend/wife was always mechanical as I focused more on having a quick orgasm rather than enjoying the experience. I never really enjoyed kissing my wife. Why? Because it felt like kissing my sister or perhaps a female cousin...although I've done neither. 

I discovered online pornography and specifically gay online porn in the mid-90s. I was completely hooked from the start. Virtual sex then wasn't enough so I started to hire male escorts. When escorts were too expensive and infrequent, I then had countless anonymous hookups using an application called Grindr. When I started watching and masturbating to gay porn, it burned off my sexual energy (and perhaps my testosterone as well) so my wife and I had even less sex. Once I'd had sex with a man for the first time, an escort during a business trip in 2008, this effectively killed my ability to have sex with my wife. When we separated back in late 2013, my wife and I hadn't had sex for almost two years. 

In response to your question, I think a young closeted gay male in his teens can still have sex with a woman. With my raging teen hormones, I was constantly horny and looking for sex. But while the young gay me may have been able to maintain some semblance of interest (and my erections) into my 20s and 30s, things changed in my mid 30s. My feeling is sex becomes more intimate (or perhaps more psychological) and less mechanical as we age. This may explain why I simply couldn't perform after I'd discovered gay porn and, later, started experimenting with gay sex. Once I'd had sex with a man for the first time and had experienced intimacy based on my true attraction to men, this effectively shut off any chance of me ever having sex with a woman again. 

I hope that answered your question. If not, please feel free to write again. 

Last edited by Séan (April 25, 2017 8:41 am)

Thanks for posting Mrs Lonely. In reply: 

1. My next question to you is regarding our divorce and the children.  It seems that my husband is now in the phase where he is into porn and he already chatted to a gay man.  I know that he went to dinner with gay men, but I am not sure if anything else happened.  

Gay/straight relationships are a lot like icebergs in my opinion...only 1/10th is visible while 9/10ths remain under water. So let's just assume he already has an active (gay) sex life and perhas a new partner. That stings a bit I know but now is the time to be proactive and that means planning for all contingencies.  

2. It seems that perhaps the next phase for him might be having lots of hook ups.  

Correct. This is often referred to as "gay adolescence." 

3. I am concerned about what my children might be exposed to when they are with him - he once let a friend secretly stay over while I was out of town and the eldest son (4 years) was with him.  

That's very troubling so you're absolutely right to be asking questions. 

4. How responsible can I expect him to be when he is in this teenage hook up phase?  Maybe it is unfair to ask such a question of you, but I am really concerned in this regard and need to handle this right from the start.  

Let me ask you a question: would you leave your kids with a sex-crazed teenager? The answer is likely no so I'd start taking steps to protect your kids for the first 18-24 months post divorce. If your husband is anything like me, he'll probably go through the gay adolescent phase for about 1-2 years before it calms down. 

5. It seems to me that if he will just admit and accept that he is gay he might be able to behave himself and find a responsible partner.  

In a perfect world yes, but we're dealing with a more messy reality here. Unfortunately, during the adolescent or hook-up stage, he'll likely be around (damaged) men like himself and have relationships based almost completely on sex...rather than intimacy. I'd be ready for him to tell you that he's found "the one" in the next six to twelve months while also pushing to make this person part of your childrens' lives. I hope that isn't a shock my friend but it's best to be prepared. Gay men with baggage tend to attract partners like themselves, so his first relationship is likely to be rocky and short-term. So I'd suggest taking a more pro-active approach. Rather than waiting for an admission or apology, I'd suggest setting some ground rules: "You're gay. I know it even though you continue to deny it. If and when you have a new partner, I'd like your word that you'll wait for at least six months to a year before introducing this person to our kids. They've been through enough already."

6. But he is a very long way off from that and I am scared of him living in the dark and dragging my sons into that.

Let's assume he already has a male partner. Why? Because I'd hate for you to be blindsided yet again. Reading my answer to #5 (see above), I'd start setting some ground rules for introducing a new love interest to the kids. These rules can apply to both of you to make it seem more equal. 

So what's my point? I think it's best to adopt a worst case scenario mentality and plan accordingly. This serves two purposes: first, you're no longer holding on to the myth that he'll miraculously become a better man which means you'll no longer be disappointed in him. Second, you're protecting yourself while also being proactive. 
Now that you're divorcing, you no longer need to minimize his behaviours. We deny and minimize because we're hoping the marriage will survive. Now that you've started to detach, you can stop with the "one time" or "he's just dating" and "he'll get better some day" bullsh*t. So let's just assume he's given in completely to his same sex attraction, is hooking up with lots of men, and might even have met a potential partner. If he's in the flush of puppy love and is acting like a love-struck teen, he'll want to introduce his boyfriend to your kids right away. So I'd be prepared for that scenario to avoid being blindsided. 

I hope I've answered your questions Mrs. Lonely. If not, please feel free to post again. 

Last edited by Séan (April 25, 2017 9:12 am)

My pleasure ML. I hope I've helped in some small way. I agree with your lawyer and, given her experience with similar situations, I'd suggest following her advice. As I've shared in previous posts, I believe there is a natural progression to healing from gay/straight relationships. These various stages often mirror the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We are after all mourning the death of a relationship. I applaud your decision to focus on you and your children. As I shared in my last post, I also believe straight wives are more than justified in protecting the kids during an ex-husband's 'gay adolescence'. Thanks again for sharing.  

I really hope we're talking about the potential of risky behaviours putting the kids at risk and not the gay factor of his partners being a danger to the kids.  I would expect that any straight or gay parent would consider their child's safety a priority.  Or is it because the partners are men because women can cause physical and mental damage to children as well.

I hope I'm mistaken.

Vicky