Wow! You are stronger than I was!  I still struggle after being divorced over a year.  GIDH is now with another woman when he is GAY!  He is so in love and I feel sick.  I have gone no contact even with his family who I have known and loved for 30 years!  Very lonely; live in same neighborhood so I will see he and his new love on the lake together, living in the house we build together...on and on.  I now wish so much that it was a man he was with.  UGH> I am proud of you!

Sallyfindsout,

First let me say thus is the most well written post I have read about our journey ...the saddness, hurt, strength all balanced..you sound stronger/better.

I want to give you a big hug..just to say..me too..I get it..went through the same.  Wish it was only 8 months for me.. it took 2 and half years from discovery to excise myself...but most if that was her learning how a divorce works.

One quote I picked out of your well written journey..
"
-  I felt  nothing - not pity , not sadness, not regrets ..... the next day he acted out as usual - it confirmed my decision to me , but it didn't screw me up emotionally like it would have done as I have cut the cords and broken the hold "


I'm getting there..when I see my ex now acting all normal I try to feel nothing.  I have lots to feel after being with her a bit longer than you...  fear, sadness, hurt.

I'd like to get to the point where I feel nothing..if not that..not pity or fear but a apathy? When I see her.

The thing is..we feel..it meant something to us.  Its taking me longer than her because I am not a monster. 

Congratulations on your divorce and freedom.  The relief and freedom from our troubled spouses is priceless.  Write back and give us all encouragement and perspective. .even us long timers need it occasionally.

Big sincere hug

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and solidarity

Linda - I likely will have to confront what you are living with now at some point in the future ( unless my soon- to -be -ex husband ends up living with a man, which somehow i don't see happening )  -  I don't know how I would react should he get together with another woman - that remains to be seen
Just remind yourself always that he won't have changed , and that sooner or later she will end up living exactly the same reality you did .... likely your relationship looked very different from the outside than the reality you were living behind the scenes , and it will be the same for her too ..... she most probably just doesn't realise that yet .....

Rob - thank you for the virtual hug and your warm words - when you have been in this place you just know the roller-coaster of feelings and emotions involved don't you... 
 It was 8 months for me THIS TIME around,  but only because I have been here before -  8/9 years ago - back then,  when I first found out he was living a double life in the gay world I was totally devastated , my world fell apart and I totally lost my mind ! - I  could see no future without him - I also realised then that I was totally dependant, almost co-existent ;  that I had somehow lost myself in trying to be the person he wanted me to be ....I didn't have the strength to confront what I knew deep down inside to be the true extent of reality -  and back then I was also still very much in love with him - we had 2 small children ( 7 and 12),  I really wanted to make my marriage work and to keep my family together - and I guess I wanted to believe his lies ( I am not gay, it was just to find out .... It won't happen again ... things between us will be different ... I will work on x y z etc etc )  
So I forgave him - and for many years thereafter I worked on letting go of the resentment I felt ( as that is what true forgiveness entails)  Looking back now I realise I allowed myself to be hoodwinked because I was not in a strong enough position to change the situation - I doubt he even remembers the promises he made to me back then . Now I know he said them to placate me at the time, to wiggle out of the fact he had been 'caught out' - he wasn't truly sorry at all, he was sorry only for the consequences of his actions not for the hurt caused, nor for what he had done ....  but THIS time around it was and is different

His addictions had reached a point where they were influencing every aspect of our lives - we had lost the peace in our home and it was no longer a haven to return to

I had realised that he no longer made me happy - actually the opposite ....

And these feelings bring out a self preservation and survival instinct - I am NOT going to be the kind of person who forever feels their life has been ruined by someone else - because it hasn't - my self esteem is no longer linked to his opinion of me 

There are difficult moments - and I know I need to protect myself emotionally by keeping in a safe place - listening to certain songs or music is not good as it evokes feelings of melancholy or memories - going to restaurants that we used to frequent together is also not good - but there are new places to discover, new friends to make, new cities to visit and countries to travel to .....

I keep busy - it is a protection for the mind - but at the same time I know I need to work through the memories and feelings and emotions - I just need to do so gradually so they don't flood  over me like a torrent and sweep me away

I am doing OK - actually I am doing well - and I am grateful for having discovered this forum as reading the many posts on here back in the summer is a large part of what gave me the strength to make the change and the confirmation it wasn't all in my mind ....

I thought I would feel daunted ... but I don't ... I feel free ....

 
 

Last edited by sallyfindsout2 (March 25, 2017 6:27 pm)

Linda and sunflower,

It certainly hurts seeing them around or seeing them at all because they act like what they did is ok..that they are moral.

They are not.

I hope my ex does marry and is happy...her girlfriend, a man, a unicorn.  But somehow I think even her new outward appearance is false.  Everything about them is false.  Not my problem anymore..and for that I thank God.